It’s been 44 days

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It has been 44 days since my world was turned upside down.  44.  That’s not that long.  In that time, I have had 3 mammograms, 1 needle biopsy, 1 breast MRI, 1 Brain MRI, 1 PET Scan, 1 port placement and 2 chemotherapy infusions.  That is a lot in 44 days.  44 days.

I just looked over my calendar from the time I went to see my OB until today.  A lot has transpired over this short amount of time, relating to me and my family.  Isn’t it crazy what can happen at the drop of a hat?

I’m not sleeping much at night, for some reason or another.  Perhaps its the cancer? Last night I was up (through a Benadryl mind you) and had a lot of time to think.  Honestly there isn’t much else to do at 3am when everyone is sleeping around you and its pitch black.

45 Days ago, I was carefree and slightly nervous but happy.  Not a care in the world except for Zack and the kids. Looking back at the months on my calendar here’s what I had going on: laser appointments, going to the gym, carpet cleaning, a dentist appointment and a trip to Vegas.  I thought I was so busy and didn’t have time to do anything.  Talk about taking everything for granted.  What would I do to go back and have to wait at home for the carpet people to show up, or the IT guy to come.  Nowadays I am waiting for my medicine to kick in and be ok to take Asher to school.

I know I am rambling, but the point of this post is to not wait, don’t dawdle in life.  Do something, Be someone, Enjoy yourself.  Make the most of your days because you don’t know what will come around the bend.  I don’t want you to think I am a worry wart or freak you out that it could be you next, but I want you to go out and LIVE.  I cannot wait to be me again.  I want to put my hair in a ponytail again, I want to just live normally.  I know I will never be totally normal again but that’s ok as we know.   I will be a newer me with a true zest for life.  Maybe I will actually go sky diving.  Ok not really, but I will live, love and be.  I will be me.



Doesn’t a nap sound nice?

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My ideal day: waking up late, a nice hot, tasty cup of coffee, a stroll of Bloomingdale’s and a nap.  Of course ending with an episode of Real Housewives.

My reality: Up by 6:45, a lukewarm cup of decaf tea that I can’t taste (metallic taste has settled in for a week- fucker), MyGym and no nap. Of course ending with Real Housewives.  At least I have that. PS- did you see that Jule’s husband filed for divorce?! Not the Asian Jew!!!

Today I figured I would get back “into the world” and take Dylan to MyGym, with my mom’s help of course.  Shit that was exhausting, and I am not talking about chasing him around the gym. Of course he had to start crawling the week of chemo.  I’ll remind him of that when he is older.  I left my mom to chase him around anyway.  Just the mere act of getting dressed and actually looking human was more energy than running a 10k- not like I would know what that was like.  Boy I miss Barry’s.

Doesn’t a leisurely day ending with a nap sound awesome?  We all want to nap and take one when we can and should.  Today I didn’t nap and perhaps that was a good thing.  I haven’t slept much in the past few days, so maybe its my body’s way of saying I am coming ’round the bend again. Or maybe I am just so OVER TIRED that I couldn’t actually shut down.  Or maybe its the fact that Asher screamed for a solid 30 minutes when I was trying to nap because he didn’t like the Hot Wheels I bribed him with.  Potato Potatoe.

Not much else to report today, hopefully I get some good rest tonight.  I might get crazy and try some Benadryl before bed.  Look at me getting all c-uh-razy with cancer.  Today was pretty shitty in the depression department.  I don’t just say that for pity, I just want you to know that I am honest with you all.  I have good days and bad, but particularly today was shit.  It was the kind of “Look at me and I will have waterworks” kind of day.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day and one that allows me to get back in the “world” solo and maybe even put on some jeans.  FANCY!

I hear the kids shrieking, it must be dinner time and Stewie is trying to eat Dylan again….


OH! P.S. Constantine and I watched two episodes of Grace and Frankie this morning.  I think we are going places…

Warrior status: back

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This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

– Rachel Platten “Fight Song”

So I have had a few shit days, and I still feel pretty shitty but that doesn’t mean I am not fighting.  I posted a picture on Facebook that said “Keep Calm and Fight On.” Well, I am fighting fuckers.

The in home hydration seemed to really help yesterday, but today I feel pretty queasy again although I am not so sure why.   Funny enough, my friend said the same thing happened to her (she is going through treatment also).  Last night I caved and vaped some pot.  Is that what the cool kids call it these days?  I didn’t smoke it, I didn’t eat it, I used a vaporizer for it.  BTW, I am legal and under doctors orders to smoke.  I have a certificate.  So lookie there, I had to get cancer to smoke pot finally.  Someone I know is very proud of me.

So the pot, I kinda liked it! I wasn’t feeling well this afternoon and took a few hits and passed out.  I am still queasy but I guess that’s normal.  I would rather smoke than be in a prescription bottle haze like I have been.  I am finally not so foggy that I was able to watch two shows.  That is progress.  They were Royal Pains and Devious Maids, so it’s not like I was being all intellectual.

I was able to make it to school with Marlyn to get Asher, that was a big step.  Mostly because my hair looks absolutely gross but also I hadn’t been out of the house since Friday.  It was important to me to get him today, I made my goal.

With that I bid you adieu, I sense some cookies (there are sooooo many here) and pot in my future.  I get it why people give cancer patients lots of sweets….. they know we get high!



I ain’t here to sugarcoat shit

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Cause that’s just not who I am.  I will be honest.  I feel like shit, fucking shit.  I honestly don’t know if this will make sense, but so be it.  I felt badly not writing yesterday, but not badly enough to struggle through a stupid post.  Thank you for all that checked in, and sorry for the short answers back.  My brain function is basically negative right now.

I am not sure why, but this chemo hit me like a lightening bolt this time.  I mentioned that I feel like I am in a total tunnel and fog, but sadly that’s not even half of it.  I am having a lot of anxiety, mostly because these side effects and feelings are completely out of my control.  I can take medicine, but when I do I feel even more fucked than normal.  I wish I was back to NORMAL.  I know it’s a few BAD days, then a few DECENT days until I am ME again, but I wish I could just crawl under the covers and ignore it.  But that would be called DEPRESSION.  And that isn’t welcome here- its natural but I don’t want that bitch over staying her welcome.  Sure I can throw myself a pity party every so often, I am only human.  But a daily one doesn’t work.  My momma told me this morning that I have to get my fighting spirit back.  It has been hidden for the past few days.

Today I am having so oh so chic in home hydration, basically a saline, glucose and other shit drip in my house so I can feel better and not have to go to Beverly Hills to get it.  I don’t know if it was the sight of my nurse Constantine, or just comfort that he was here that made me feel much better. For the first time in a day or so, I am more clear-headed and upright.

As I have said before, with the highs comes the lows, with the in’s comes the outs.  It is a shitty roll of the dice but I hope that I will get through this next week easier than the last few days and then get ready to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT on.

Thanks for your love, always.


Today isn’t such a great day

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So today is day 2 from chemo #2. I will be honest and say that I feel like shit and my brain is like scrambled eggs today.  My apologies in advance for this sounding like gibberish.  I know understand how Yolanda felt from her Lyme disease…I guess?

This round of chemo seemed to hit me so much harder than the first, I know that everyone says the effects are cumulative but shit, I never expected to literally sleep the entire day away.  I wake from a nap and then 5 minutes later my left eye is literally stuck closed again.  Napping is exhausting.  I felt like I slept the entire day away, but the entire time “Love Actually” was playing.  Either that is the longest fucking movie or I didn’t really sleep as long as I thought.  Regardless, don’t need to watch that again in the near future.

Thanks to everyone for their movie suggestions, if I can actually concentrate long enough, I might watch “Soap Dish,” suggested to me by Judy.

That’s all for now, I feel my left eye starting to close.  Fuck chemo and Fuck Cancer.  Love to you all though!



The next day

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Today is hydration day, I am sitting here in my chair getting two hours of fluids and my Neulasta shot (this makes sure that my blood cells regenerate).  I will be honest and say that today hit me a little harder than my first infusion.  I am a little more anxious and nauseated, but I think the nausea is really due to the anxiety.  I asked for some Zantac in my IV to help with that.  I will start taking my prescription meds tonight if it doesn’t get slightly better.

Jana came with me for my appointment, and I finally got to meet my pen pal Marissa!  She was here today getting hydration also.  It is so nice to finally put a face to the email.  On another note, I wanted to relax while here, but there is a translator over speakerphone translating Arabic for a patient.  It is so lovely to listen to this LOUDLY.

Into the weekend we go, I am a little more down in the shitter today and I just keep reminding myself that I have cancer and it is totally normal.  Fucked up beyond belief, but fucked up.  I can only hope that I will be able to be around my babies as much as possible this weekend before it really hits the fan by monday.  One day at a time, one step at a time, one minute at a time.  That’s all I can do.  And breathe.

Thanks again for all of the good wishes and sentiments on seeing me with Cappy.  He will return in a solid 3 weeks!



p.s. Someone remind me to not play with Snapchat while I am getting an infusion.  There was NO recollection of taking a picture of my cap with a crown on it and then Instagramming!

2 down 4 to go!

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Round 2 is done.  The chemo is finished for the day, and now we are onto the Perjeta and Herceptin.  The caps must stay on for 4 hours after they finish, such good fun!

We took some good pictures for everyone today, some before the cap went on and then some with good ol cappy.  All in all it was a good day.  I had some lovely visitors today that made the day go by so much quicker!

Didn’t see Rod, he didn’t surface today but the caps where here. Gavin my tech didn’t think they were cold enough so he kept them in his little freezer a bit longer. Gavin wins for the day.  Oooooh that Rod.

I also used my port for the first time today, I asked Stephanie if it is really in my vein, you know my neurosis from the other day.  Turns out my mom had the same question! Once she put the needle in (Stephanie not my mom), the needle got blood out so that means winning! End result, chemo went into my veins and is not floating randomly in my body.  That’s a relief!

We met with my doctor today and she was rather pleased that I handled the first round so well, aside from all expected side effects.  I also am now the proud owner of a certified pot card.  Dreams do come true, and I just needed cancer to get one.  Awesome.  Lets see if I finally make it into the dispensary now.

Consensus decided for now on “”Fight Song,” although I think “Eye of the Tiger” is a better fit.  I’ll keep you posted on my final answer.

Enjoy the pictures below, I hope you find them as attractive as I do! Until tomorrow…


Yes, panty liners are on my head
Full finished look with neck pillow
Me, my cold cap and trusty IV




An ode to chemo

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T’was the night before chemo
And all through the house
No one was stirring not even a mouse
Anxiety was as high
As a motherfucking kite
Although I can see a true ending in site
My mom will soon be here to take me in
And annoy me for hours while people stick me with pins
My head will be frozen
I won’t feel a thing
Perhaps the lidocaine will feel like a bee sting
Soon there will be two down
Four more to go
Then on I will go with my life living show


See you on the flip side.



Let’s get ready to rumble

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Tomorrow is the day, the big day for chemo #2 when I step into the “ring.”  I am ready for my fight, and I fight like a girl.  A badass girl, but a girl.  When I tried to box with a trainer once, I sprained my wrist and had to get a cortisone shot.  Shit, I might be fucked.  Again, I digress.  But this cancer has nothing on me, right?

Fight, Fight, Fight! That’s what I will do tomorrow.  I will fight the pain in my head from the -32 cold placed on my head, fucking Rod better have put those in the freezer.  I left him a message, he’s dodging me.  Fucker. I have my heating blanket ready to go, and I need to get an old sweatshirt to cut a hole in.  Why you ask? Because cancer patients and nurses are so smart that they came up with the idea to cut a hole where my port is so I can stay warm while getting treatment.  Brilliant I tell you.  The hard part is deciding which sweatshirt is worth ruining, because I have a weird connection to all of them.

I’ll of course bring my computer, iPad and kindle with me tomorrow. Lets be honest, I won’t use anything or be able to concentrate on a show.  I can pretend, but doubtful.  If you have suggestions on shows to bingewatch, please send because I am stumped and OITNB doesn’t start for a few weeks!

What has been freaking me out though is my port.  What if by chance they implanted this device in my arm and it isn’t really leading anywhere? What if it is just in my arm and they will put drugs into my system without a targeted location.  Am I wrong to think this? Probably, and I am a total worrywart.  Ugh, stress.

The last thing we need to discuss is my theme song.  Yea, I want a cancer theme.  I have narrowed it down to three.  Here they go with sound clips attached:

I am the Warrior (ok totally about love but whatever good title) –

This is my fight song –

Eye of the tiger –

Leave your suggestions in the comments!