I look like me again

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This has been a really great week for me, I finally got a proper haircut and had my hair colored for the first time in over a year.  Yes, I am vain.  Yes my hair is really important to me.  But I am back to me.  I feel happy again.

Throughout this entire fucked up experience of my life, I realized that my hair is a protective shield for me.  It makes me feel whole and normal.  It makes me feel good and pretty.  Everyone wants to feel pretty.  I will forever be fortunate to Zack and my parents for the Cold Caps, and Gavin my Cold Capper.  Without that “shield,” I don’t think that my chemotherapy treatments would have been somewhat easier not that they were easy in any way.  My hair made me feel like I could face the world day in and day out, and allow me to not be super depressed like I wanted to be.  To be able to go on with my daily life and not look super cancery was a really big deal.

For some reason as soon as I saw myself in the mirror in my car yesterday after I left the salon, I started to cry.  I cried happy tears but a massive wave of emotion washed over me.  I had a moment of clarity- which comes and goes as a cancer survivor- that I really had cancer.  I wasn’t me for the 10 months or so of my life.  I was a person in an alternate reality battling a horrible bad guy, well billions of bad guy cells.  It was an insane feeling that is still with me this morning.  But I beat it.  I am here.  As my hairdresser said yesterday, I’m glad I didn’t die.  Not like that was EVER a choice.

I am a little emotional today, a little sentimental and solemn.  That’s ok.  As a survivor we are granted those moments of sadness.  I “rise up” and rise up a thousand times again.  I fight for me, my family and you.  I am here and not going anywhere.  It is my mission to make a difference now, with your help we can do it.

So ya, I am glad I didn’t die.  Now donate to my walk.  Same old Jessie, just better and more badass 🙂





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