Month: July 2016

Guess what!  One month from tomorrow, August 1st, I will have my last fucking chemotherapy!  I have had a calendar that I told you about in my medicine cabinet and I tick those dates off like a motherfucker every night (enough fucks for you?).  It has become my nightly routine to stare at the calendar and cross of the day.  I have this weird thrill as soon as it is over.

This isn’t to say that the cancer party stops September 1st though.  I will still have to endure 2 weeks of side effects and recovery, but I will be thismuchcloser to washing my hair normally and surgery.  I better be OK to celebrate Asher’s birthday at Disneyland!

Surgery, ahh you nasty little bitch you.  It has finally hit me.  Cancer and surgery.  What a twisted little world I have been living in.  Maybe it’s not a world but an alternate universe.  Yes, that is it!  I have been living on the 1/2 floor in John Malkovich’s brain (movie reference people).  There is no up and there is no down, there is just stuck.  Stuck going through the motions without breathing it in.  So that means surgery is real and all of this is real too.  Even the cancer.  Wow.

Are you sick of hearing about me having cancer yet?  I am.  Zack is.  We are so over it.  The problem is that you can’t be over it when you are IN it. I have this habit of not finishing things that I start.  I know, bad quality good thing I’m taken.  Anyway, the point is that I will finish what I started.  I will finish my treatment.  I will make sure to get all 6 of these terrible chemo’s in, whether it’s in a port or my veins.  I will go through with my surgery (really no choice here) and radiation if needed.  I might even stay at Cedars a few extra nights as a vacation.  Semi serious on that one.

I know this is a rambling post, but I just feel like getting my thoughts out there.  That is why I have this blog, I know YOU like it, but it is really for me.  It is a diary that I am keeping and hope one day to look back and say “Damn, I was a strong woman.”  I hope that I am never in a situation again where I am challenged this way, but at least I know I can do it and get through whatever comes my way.  Except a triathlon.  Although you never know.

That is all for now.  Hope you’re all having a nice weekend.  I am feeling good minus a numbish tongue!

xo,

Jessie

Today is a better day then yesterday, thankfully! It really couldn’t get worse than yesterday, so that’s a plus.  My arm doesn’t hurt at all which is so nice and a relief.  It is kind of weird that I have no pain, but I am not going to think about that.  They are trying to get me to do a chest wall port but I really am against this.  Will keep you updated on that next week.

The bad news is that I have been nauseated today, and no medication has been able to stop that.  I have no idea why,  but I am just powering through.  Taste is slowly coming back, and I am going to try to enjoy Italian food tonight.

The nanny search is in full swing, and I appreciate everyone who has sent me referrals.  Hopefully we find someone next week although we will be so sad to see ours go.

Have a great weekend everyone!

xo,

Jessie

Well this morning was just awesome.  I woke up with pain in my arm, and apparently my port has an infection.  I immediately go to the amputation again, but not really.  But kinda.  It was red and hot to the touch, both indications that it is infected.  I have been trying to get an appointment with the surgeon who put in my port but no one was getting back to me.

I immediately emailed my NP, because that is what you do when you have cancer.  She said she would call in meds for me and asked if I have a fever.  Thank god no fever.  Fuck me.  I had plans with Jamie today and I was NOT cancelling!  We have had these for literally a month and I miss her so I went to the mall.  I couldn’t tell if it was hotter than balls in there or I was getting a fever, still no fever.

I finally got to the outpatient surgery center this afternoon, and the doctor immediately said that the port needed to come out.  Uh, I have two more chemo’s scheduled.  I don’t want to fry my veins!  I don’t care, the port is coming out.

So out it came this afternoon, and I will have the next two infusions either via IV or a temporary IV they insert a few days before my infusion.  This was NOT what I had in mind today and it really threw me for a loop.  I was alone at the surgery center and was kinda freaked out.  Of all days for my nanny to leave early, my mom was watching the kids for me so she couldn’t come be with me.

I have to go back Monday to make sure that the infection isn’t getting worse and hopefully gone.  This just sucks, plain and simple.

So my day was absolute shit, and to top it off I need to find a new nanny.  Hope yours was better than mine!  Have a drink or 10 for me.

xo,

Jessie

I woke up today and was just with it!  I got the kids up, let Zack sleep in, fed them homemade French Toast, dressed them and got ready for Barry’s.  It was awesome.  Then I woke up.  It was a dream.

I woke up feeling like shit today.  What a buzz kill.  I seriously had these epic dreams last night and slept a good 6 hours straight (Grape Ape for the win).  The nausea came back this morning which is a big bummer.  I took a Zofran around 7:30am and it has helped me a bit already.  I wish I could have taken Asher to school and stood long enough to give them breakfast, but tomorrow is another day.  I have to constantly remind myself that I had toxic poison pumped into my veins (through a port-a-cath) but I am not Superwoman.  I wish I was.  It hasn’t even been a week since round 4, so I think I expect too much from myself.

It’s an age-old story that I want to bounce back and not rely on anyone but me.  This far in and I still hate to ask for help.  Believe me I have gotten used to having Marlyn take Asher to school and Dylan cry when she leaves, but at least they are little and won’t remember this summer shitstorm of 2016 (that is what we are calling it now).

5 weeks.  5 weeks left of this and then I will have put chemo behind me.  It finally hit last night minus tears that I have cancer.  I didn’t think that it would ever hit but it finally did.  I don’t like how I look, I am losing weight left and right (not the worst side effect, awesome diet but not doctor recommended) and I am all around just sad.  I put on a happy face because I am a fucking warrior but deep down I am sad.  I think that is ok and allowed.  This whole experience has made me love my family and husband so much more than I already did and I thank God every day for giving me such a wonderful support system.  I couldn’t do any of this without them.

Just yesterday I had Zack stand over my  head and examine if I am going bald.  What other man would do that, he’s awesome.  He tells me I am beautiful and don’t look cancery.  We decided that because of my natural part it is thinning a bit, but hair grows back.  So I decided that I will only stand next to shorter people because they can’t see the top of my head.  HA!  If you are tall, stand back!

So with that I am going to try to get out today with the assist of my mom. Perhaps a mall stroll, perhaps Bed Bath and Beyond just to browse.  I’ll go anywhere to not see the inside of my house for a bit.  And poor Dylan could use a different view too.

Hope you are having a beautiful morning, and no tears allowed.

P.S. It’s hair washing day!

EDIT: This happened today, so much for staying away from tall people!

xo,
Jessie

Well, it is day 5 and I am almost seeing the light again.  The nausea has mostly waned and I can almost see straight for more than 5 minutes at a time.  If you want to know what a chemo coma is like, I can gladly break it down for you.

Day 1- Still high from your infusion and steroids.

Day 2- Sheer and utter exhaustion, to the point that you are so tired you can’t move or function.  Hair washing day is a joke and won’t happen.  This is best to not have small children around because you are basically worthless in child rearing.  That’s where Mom Mom and Yoey and Auntie come into play.  By this evening I am wondering if I am hungry but mostly not.  I try to eat cornbread but gag it down.  It’s all about Reglan and pot at this point.  I learned after round 2 that I cannot take compazine because it kills me.

Day 3- Exhaustion to the point that you want to zip yourself out of your skin and wish it was a week from the day.  Most of the days there’s a House Hunters marathon on tv but this weekend I got screwed.  No one wants to watch Tiny Houses.  By the evening I usually bounce back with some energy, most likely because I am so bored and fed up with sitting.  I can’t normally eat but can interact with the kids and put Dylan to bed.

Day 4- A slight rebound in energy, but not much.  Day 4 I usually stay home and stick to my couch for comfort.  There is no eating because at this point my taste has all but gone.  By the evening I cannot taste a thing.  It is all metallic and cardboard and way depressing.  I found yesterday that all I could eat was hardboiled eggs and a potato.  Depressing.  Oh and cake, I had ice cream cake.

Now is Day 5, and I am settled mentally for what is to come.  I know the other side effects that will come visit and I know when they all go away.  I just wish I could speed up the next few days and be over with.  And then I get to do it all over again in 2 weeks!  How awesome am I!?!?!?!?!

I am having a few more visitors today, always nice to have people come say hi to me.  I had some yesterday which put a smile on my face too.  So think of me when you are chowing down at lunch today, what I would do for a chicken tender right about now.  Soon, I will have it soon.

Oh, and before I go one more thing.  I have all the fucking time in the world to watch tv, why is there shit on???  Annoying!!!

Have a good one…

xo,

Jessie

This post is a thank you to the most amazing husband and father that I know.  Zack. I cannot fathom getting through life without him, let alone this fucked up breast cancer.  He is my rock, my lifeline, my love.  He will probably kill me for writing this, but he deserves the acknowledgment.  He is my hero and an unstoppable force of nature.

He has been there for me for the past 14 years, and has never faltered in his affection.  He has been with me through thick and thin (literally, my weight) through the good and bad.  He is smart, he is kind, he is stubborn.  He is my love.

Who knew that when we met 14 years ago in college that we would be where we are today.  Married for 7 years and two beautiful children beside us, and me diagnosed with cancer.  I didn’t.  Shit, I would have thrown that wish back into the fountain.  But he is here, and he is here to stay.  Through sickness and health, right?

Every three weeks like clockwork, I get sick after my chemotherapy (still surreal btw) and every three weeks he is by my side.  He is my knight in shining armor, my helper, my guide.  I couldn’t get through this shit show without him, and wouldn’t want to.  Without fail, he is there for me asking what I need or how I can help.  Without fail he is silently there cheering me on.  Without fail he is outside planting in our yard making our home even more beautiful.

Just this morning he told me about a new fight song that I should live by, and I cried like a little baby.  This is my new fight song, and I dedicate it and my life to you.  I love you.

Andra Day, Rise up:

Forever yours,

Jessie

So here I sit two days out of chemo #4.  I was supposed to have my hydration this morning, but the lovely medical delivery service messed up and forgot to bring me tubing.  Well as I typed this the tubing finally showed up.  Beanna will be back shortly, as I refused the other nurse they wanted to send yesterday.  Yea, when you have cancer you can demand things.  I demand nice nurses!

The kids are off with my parents and Jana until tomorrow.  This morning they took them to the zoo to see the dinosaur exhibit and I think Dylan slept through the whole thing after he got terrified of a pterodactyl screaming at him.  He will need therapy from that I am sure.  I’ll start saving now.

Otherwise so far so good.  I don’t feel just god awful which is a nice change.  I have an appetite which is shocking to me, and just want a turkey sandwich.  I am going to enjoy the next day to relax and recuperate in the quiet.  I have my walkie-talkie and Zack has his.  We are prepared! Oh and of course there is cornbread.

Have a good one folks.

xo,
Jessie

Well, here I sit in my infusion chair minus Rod and Gavin.  I am at the center this morning for my scheduled hydration and Neulasta shot.  Jana drove me, she’s my morning Uber today.  Oh, and she brought me a yummy bagel to boot.  She’s a keeper.

So far I feel ok, just wiped out from yesterday.  I slept ok but the midget’s woke up WAY too early this morning.  I will definitely be napping on and off all day, and weekend! I will just take this quiet time to relax and prepare mentally for what is to come.  We are all stocked up on my supplies that I like to have after chemo.  Cornbread, Vitamin Water, Hint Water, and toast.  So healthy and carby, perfect!

Until tomorrow folks, it was great to hear from so many of you yesterday, and that keeps me going.

Have a great weekend!

xo,

Jessie

Well after the longest day to date, I can officially say that I have finished FOUR ROUNDS OF CHEMOTHERAPY! Insane.  Surreal.  Wild.  Happy!  I know that I still have 2 more to go, but I can do it!  I did ask about having only 5 treatments, and she said she has had some patients who don’t complete all rounds.  I am not a quitter of cancer and will complete the 6 rounds.  It sucks, but it is not life threatening at all.  Just sucks.

I had some lovely visitors today!  Christy came to visit which was so special, I barely remember because I was seriously drugged today.  My sister told me I was Mario and she had to leave to go save the Princess in another castle.  Probably the best line of the day.  My God-Mom Suzi came too!  She brought lunch and I think I ate.  She kept momma company after my dad left.  They all come to say hi, but is it for free food?  Hmm… I know I only show up for the sandwich.

I met ROD!  The fucking pole.  He didn’t like me I can tell.  I called him over all excited to take a selfie, but home boy wasn’t having it.  I tried to be friendly but he wasn’t very reciprocal.  I should be scared for my next round.  Iris is my girl so I will trust her!

I took a picture with Gavin today, he is my cold cap fitter.  Our morning started out talking about our favorite curse worlds.  We all decided that FUCK is the absolute best word in our language.  He’s British so imagine how awesome it sounds coming from him.  I might start calling people “wankers” for fun.

I ended my fucking long day by meeting with my doctor.  She said the tumors are absolutely shrinking and I am responding to treatment very well.  The unexpected news is that I might need radiation after my first surgery.  I would have it for 6 weeks, 5 days a week.  It scares me only bc it tightens and reddens the skin, and after having surgery this is not what I want.  Also from a vanity point of view, I don’t want red skin.  She said being fair-skinned is a bonus though.  More to consider.  This would delay my second surgery for 6 months and keep the expanders in for MUCh longer, great.  I will also have to go on estrogen repressing medicine, something that I always expected but didn’t really think about until now.  Shit happens.

There was a ton more info to divulge, but I am honestly beyond tired and my Ativan is calling my name.  Thanks for the good wishes and notes today, they power me through the cold!  You are all the best, especially those of you who know you REALLY are the best. And a big thank you for the ICE CREAM CAKE!!!!!

Until tomorrow friends, have a good night.

xo,
Jessie

Well tomorrow is the day, the day of the 4th infusion! So naturally I enjoyed myself and had a nice day.  Why not live it up before I am zonked for the next week, right?

Naturally I did some little things around the house and tidied up my paperwork, and then I met a friend for breakfast.  I love her, she is the kind of friend that no matter how much time passes it is still the same.  Friends like that are hard to find, but those friendships are cherished.  Plus she is super talented and creative, the reason why my house has matching furniture!

This afternoon Ash still wanted to go to the movies, so we went!  We met his friends there which was so cute.  He sat through the whole thing, I was so happy.  BTW, how fucking expensive are movies these days?  I was shocked.  Anyway, The Secret Life of Pets is adorable.  I suggest you take your kids or yourself to see it!  Plus it has a good soundtrack!

On the way home, he asked me if I was sick.  That made my heart jump a little bit.  Is he realizing that we do these activities because I am going in tomorrow?  I wonder if he is picking up things now that it has become a routine.  I immediately said no I am not sick, but then realized that I am.

There it is again, the word sick.  I still never realize that I am, because I am either still in denial (which I really think I am) or it just hasn’t hit me yet (another possibility).  As my friend said today, if you didn’t know I had cancer you would never suspect it.  I have my hair, I just look tired and worn down.  Basically I look like shit just no one wants to tell me, I get it.  It would really hurt my feelings, LOL!

So as I go into my last good night for a while, I realize that I am sick but not for long.  I have three more infusions that I will knock out and be done with this chemo part.  The little voice in the backseat of my car is my rock along with his little brother.  I do this for them, my strength comes from them.  I need to stay strong. I am and I will.  All good thoughts for tomorrow.  I hope I meet Rod, the fucking pole.

xo,

Jessie