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I spell it that way because I am kind of in a daze.  I almost feel back to myself but not quite there yet. It's like when you wake up from an awesome dream but aren't quite awake yet and don't want to surface.  Except this ain't no dream honey.

Current Saturday status is this: Asher is building a LEGO restaurant and having a “bearday party” as he calls it.  That's his word for Birthday.  Zack and Dylan are out doing an errand which results in getting us bagels.  See, when you have cancer you can eat carbs.  Again, silver lining folks.

I tell you about my plans for the day because it fills me with so much pride to see my big boy developing and turning into a full blown human right before my eyes.  He might only be 3.5 years old (don't you dare say he will be 4, the world ends), but in my eyes he's growing by the minute, and I want to slow time down.  Or stop it.  But I cannot stop time, I am not Evie from “Out of this World.” Sidenote- how amazing was that show?  Her dad lived in a glass pyramid!

In a swisty (remember sick and twisty my word) way, I am very thankful that the cancer was found when it was, when my children were as small as they are.  Yes there will be a few things here and there that I will miss out on, but it's not the big stuff in life.  I will be at their graduations, even from nursery school and then college!  I will be at most soccer classes, I will watch Dylan learn to walk.  I will be able to be at these things, just some days I might not be fully there.

So while I will “be” here and “see” things, it makes me feel so much better that THEY won't realize what was going on.  In a few years time, when I am healed and look like a 21 year old pinup, time will have moved on and we will too.  I'll be back on the PTA, back on the soccer field- probably wishing I was someplace else haha.

The point is that I am living in the now, enjoying the messes that Asher makes with his LEGOS, enjoying feeding Dylan his bottles and an all you can eat buffet for his meals, and just watching them interact like brothers.  There is nothing more heartwarming for me, than to watch these two beautiful souls that we created form a bond of brotherhood.   So even if I am on the sidelines for a week at a time over the next few months, I know that they will be OK.  And so will I.

Have a great holiday weekend.


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