I caved today and took the bandage for my port off two days early. After having the tegaderm on for 12 days, I just couldn’t take it any longer. I miss my skin and showering with Saran Wrap covering it along with a plastic sleeve got old. Fast. BTW, it got wet under anyway so the doctors need to up their showering suggestions.
It took me a minute, but I realized that this port gave me my first scar. My first of many scars on this journey. It wasn’t until I was on that table last week that I realized I was actually having surgery, talk about denial. It ain’t just a river in Egypt folks. But scars, I will have many. Many, many scars. And you know what? As of now, I think that I am ok with it. I don’t know if I will feel the same when I am on the surgery table in October, but right now I am ok.
Scars show a fight, show a path and a journey. This was not a journey I wanted to go on, I would much rather be on a beach in Maui- forever. But alas, as I have learned we do not choose our destiny, it chooses us for some odd reason. If I had chosen my path, I would have ended up at UCSB (and I would have gotten in), I would have probably had an entirely different major and would not be where I am now in my life- cancer aside. That means that I wouldn’t have my two beautiful sons and wonderful husband. Or Stewie the crazy dog.
I have always lived by the Yiddish word of B’shert, what’s meant to be, or your destiny. I don’t know WHY I was given the BRCA2 gene, or WHY it decided to turn me into a mutant, but I DO know that I will turn this into something good. I will make this my mission for the rest of my life to support my journey, and others along the way. I have always said that I needed to find something for ME to do, and for ME to participate in. Unfortunately I had to get CANCER to have it smack me in the face. Prior to this turn of events I decided that I was going to be the next top Real Estate agent in Sherman Oaks.
I want to make a difference in the world and show my scars. I want to help others who need help or are suffering with this cancer or other types. I want to show people to not be afraid and share their journey’s too. I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I am scared as hell but my cancer is curable thank GOD, but it is a scary fucking place to be.
So I will show my scars, I will wear them with pride. I might not even care if they poke out of my bathing suit next summer. I am a fucking warrior and will do whatever the hell I have to do. Scars and all.
xo,
Jessie
Jessie, this post is brilliant and FIERCE! I feel your energy and your fire, and I sincerely admire your capacity to create a huge vision out of such a dire challenge. Amazing!