Wishing, hoping, praying

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I woke up today and was just with it!  I got the kids up, let Zack sleep in, fed them homemade French Toast, dressed them and got ready for Barry’s.  It was awesome.  Then I woke up.  It was a dream.

I woke up feeling like shit today.  What a buzz kill.  I seriously had these epic dreams last night and slept a good 6 hours straight (Grape Ape for the win).  The nausea came back this morning which is a big bummer.  I took a Zofran around 7:30am and it has helped me a bit already.  I wish I could have taken Asher to school and stood long enough to give them breakfast, but tomorrow is another day.  I have to constantly remind myself that I had toxic poison pumped into my veins (through a port-a-cath) but I am not Superwoman.  I wish I was.  It hasn’t even been a week since round 4, so I think I expect too much from myself.

It’s an age-old story that I want to bounce back and not rely on anyone but me.  This far in and I still hate to ask for help.  Believe me I have gotten used to having Marlyn take Asher to school and Dylan cry when she leaves, but at least they are little and won’t remember this summer shitstorm of 2016 (that is what we are calling it now).

5 weeks.  5 weeks left of this and then I will have put chemo behind me.  It finally hit last night minus tears that I have cancer.  I didn’t think that it would ever hit but it finally did.  I don’t like how I look, I am losing weight left and right (not the worst side effect, awesome diet but not doctor recommended) and I am all around just sad.  I put on a happy face because I am a fucking warrior but deep down I am sad.  I think that is ok and allowed.  This whole experience has made me love my family and husband so much more than I already did and I thank God every day for giving me such a wonderful support system.  I couldn’t do any of this without them.

Just yesterday I had Zack stand over my  head and examine if I am going bald.  What other man would do that, he’s awesome.  He tells me I am beautiful and don’t look cancery.  We decided that because of my natural part it is thinning a bit, but hair grows back.  So I decided that I will only stand next to shorter people because they can’t see the top of my head.  HA!  If you are tall, stand back!

So with that I am going to try to get out today with the assist of my mom. Perhaps a mall stroll, perhaps Bed Bath and Beyond just to browse.  I’ll go anywhere to not see the inside of my house for a bit.  And poor Dylan could use a different view too.

Hope you are having a beautiful morning, and no tears allowed.

P.S. It’s hair washing day!

EDIT: This happened today, so much for staying away from tall people!



2 thoughts on “Wishing, hoping, praying”

  1. My grandmother was a breast cancer survivor…and her hair grew back thicker and nicer. I also enjoyed the word “cancery”. You are doing great!!! Warrior on!!! Xo

  2. My Mom was a breast cancer survivor. She was 80 and only had radiation . Then had to have another round of radiation. No hair loss, but very tired. My son is a cancer survivor had chemo, surgery, and then another round of chemo. Lost his hair, all of it. He now has all his beautiful hair plus a beard. Jessie, you are my champion….warrior on!

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