Sunday July 31

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Guess what!  One month from tomorrow, August 1st, I will have my last fucking chemotherapy!  I have had a calendar that I told you about in my medicine cabinet and I tick those dates off like a motherfucker every night (enough fucks for you?).  It has become my nightly routine to stare at the calendar and cross of the day.  I have this weird thrill as soon as it is over.

This isn’t to say that the cancer party stops September 1st though.  I will still have to endure 2 weeks of side effects and recovery, but I will be thismuchcloser to washing my hair normally and surgery.  I better be OK to celebrate Asher’s birthday at Disneyland!

Surgery, ahh you nasty little bitch you.  It has finally hit me.  Cancer and surgery.  What a twisted little world I have been living in.  Maybe it’s not a world but an alternate universe.  Yes, that is it!  I have been living on the 1/2 floor in John Malkovich’s brain (movie reference people).  There is no up and there is no down, there is just stuck.  Stuck going through the motions without breathing it in.  So that means surgery is real and all of this is real too.  Even the cancer.  Wow.

Are you sick of hearing about me having cancer yet?  I am.  Zack is.  We are so over it.  The problem is that you can’t be over it when you are IN it. I have this habit of not finishing things that I start.  I know, bad quality good thing I’m taken.  Anyway, the point is that I will finish what I started.  I will finish my treatment.  I will make sure to get all 6 of these terrible chemo’s in, whether it’s in a port or my veins.  I will go through with my surgery (really no choice here) and radiation if needed.  I might even stay at Cedars a few extra nights as a vacation.  Semi serious on that one.

I know this is a rambling post, but I just feel like getting my thoughts out there.  That is why I have this blog, I know YOU like it, but it is really for me.  It is a diary that I am keeping and hope one day to look back and say “Damn, I was a strong woman.”  I hope that I am never in a situation again where I am challenged this way, but at least I know I can do it and get through whatever comes my way.  Except a triathlon.  Although you never know.

That is all for now.  Hope you’re all having a nice weekend.  I am feeling good minus a numbish tongue!



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