Shit got real

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I just had a dose of reality slapped in my face via email.  It was bad enough staring at my bald face after HAIR WASHING DAY this morning, and then this shit.  Are you curious now?

I got my pre op instructions from my breast surgeon.  To say I freaked the fuck out was an understatement.  I am already having a bad enough morning using Zack as my mental punching bag, and being ridiculously done with parenting- then this.  My heart is still racing a mile a minute.

Do you know what really scared me?  Not the fact that I will be having a MASSIVE surgery on September 28, but that the map showed me in one building for surgery and another for recovery.  These buildings are across the campus of Cedars.  That place is big.  Am I going to be unconscious for my first ambulance ride?  How does this happen?  I am serious too.  I wanna know.

All semi kidding aside, it makes this real.  It makes this really real.  I have cancer if you forgot or are living under a rock.  I wish I could join you under your rock of denial or cluelessness.  I cannot.  I am living with cancer and this week is really hard for me.  I don’t like this week, I don’t like much right now.  You know me, I am raw and real.  This fucking blows.  The amount of FUCKS I can say will never make this better.  Even if it does make me feel better for a few seconds.  Then I feel like shit again.

Nothing lately makes me feel better, even shopping!  I can’t even find shit to buy!  I spend time with my kids, they are my life you know.  But with cancer your patience is VERRRRYYYYY thin, especially when said 4-year-old is on an extra long break from school.  Thanks TBH.  To say I am in a funk is putting it mildly.  I wish I could get out of it, but I am allowed.  I hate these days when I make family the enemy.

Sorry for the raw, pathetic and sad post.  It’s just how I feel.  At least I spared you my selfie with the bald spots on my eyebrows.  Talk about real.




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