So the news is out, YAY! What a relief for me that I don't have to keep this secret anymore. On the other hand, maybe it was a better secret to be kept. I have thanked you all for your outpouring of support and love, but now I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed and sad by this reaction. Sad because I realize that this is my new normal for a while. Just for a while, this isn't going to be me for the rest of my life. I can't let it. Again, I don't have time for this shit.
I went to bed last night with a full heart and was overly emotional. Messages kept pouring through my phone, computer and carrier pigeons. I heard from people near and far, old and new friends it was incredible. On top of my body being pumped full of toxins (FDA approved, duh), I am also being pumped full of emotions. It wasn't really until last night after the kids were asleep, and we had a minute to come down that I realized I have been living in overdrive for the past few weeks.
If you look at the calendar, this all happened over a 3 week span. I found the lump, went for scans, went to docs and shit found myself in a chemo chair. I haven't let myself breathe and really absorb what's to come. I really don't think I wanted to or had the wherewithal.
I never realized that I was a person always on the go. Many people think that I am a lazy sloth, but in reality I have a lot to do and keep going. Whether it's my kids, husband, dog, house, whatever. I am always doing SOMETHING. That's where my realization kicked in. I can't keep GOING without coming down. If I constantly live UP, then there is going to be the inevitable FALL. That's where last night came in and I kinda had a breakdown. I think its rightfully deserved, yes?
The point of this post is to let you know that I am a fucking WARRIOR but I am also HUMAN. I am going to have great days and I am going to have bad days. So far I am feeling super fortunate to not have the effects of chemo that one might expect. I don't have my head in a toilet or screaming out in pain. Lets just hope that the rest of the treatments stay this way as well, because I could use a little break.