I think I'm demented. Along with the cancer I am certifiably insane. But this we knew already, yes? I say I am demented because who makes a song into a title for a blog….about a PORT?
Back to the point. Today I got my port put into my arm. Yea, they don't tell you that it will hurt like a motherfucker after the lidocaine wears off. Im talking little bees stinging my incision, over and over again. The reason for the port in my arm is simple- they don't want these toxic chemicals killing my veins every single time I get an infusion. That means that for the next 5 chemo and the remaining herceptin, I will have a lovely little port that they can literally prick and inject me. Cool huh? No. Not cool because I still have fucking cancer. Breast Cancer. CANCER. FUCK YOU CANCER. Get it? Got it? Good.
Excuse me while I have a pity party…. WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME? I WAS THE GOODY TWO SHOES (KINDA), I NEVER DID DRUGS (LOOKING BACK, SHOULD HAVE), I NEVER EVEN LIKED DRINKING (UNTIL I MET THE LAHAINA LEMONADE AT THE FOUR SEASONS MAUI)! I DIDN'T STAY OUT TOO LATE, I NEVER LIED TO MY PARENTS…. OK so now I'm lying but you get the point. Why do bad things happen to good people? I am a good person! Fuck cancer. That's all I have to say.
Ok back to my port. So its there in my right arm, not in my chest as they would normally do a port. I'll spare the details, but it has to do with where the cancer is, the surgery blah blah. Doesn't matter except that its PURPLE! Yep, being I have the cancer of the color I hate (pink), its so nice to have something purple (again twisted). So along with my port, I get a fancy new card in the chance I beep going through a metal detector. Because you know, I plan on galavanting to the Greek Islands and St. Tropez this summer. I am SO glad that I schlepped the kids through LAX to get our global entry. Thanks cancer, now I can't go to New York! Fucker.
Again I find myself blabbering, but I like you and you're here so you're basically forced to listen to me. Should I go on and on about the HELL that is Cedars Sinai and its parking? Did the spawn of the devil create that campus and make you want to lose your mind while trying to find P4 for the South Tower? Assholes I tell you, assholes.
Enough for now, thanks for reading. Again I want to thank you for your kind words, not about the cancer but about my writing! You know how to make a girl feel gooooood.