This morning I am feeling a bit sad. I am entitled to that, I have cancer. It has only been a mere 3.5 weeks since the shit hit the fan really. In all honesty, I haven't even processed what is going on. I have been on overdrive going from one appointment to the next, scans here, scans there and then chemo. I haven't had it all settle. I haven't really wanted to. Because that makes it real. I don't want it to be real. I want this to be a bad dream and I will wake up and say, PHEW JUST A DREAM. It's not a dream. It's my reality, albeit temporary, it's hard to see that.
The title of the post is one that's hitting home for me today. I just want to do normal stuff. I want to be the mommy that I was a month ago and run around like a nutbag with Asher, and lay around with Dylan while he throws up on me (classy). But I can't. I can't because now I have a port in my arm that really fucking hurts. I wanted to go to MyGym with D this morning alone, but I can't. I can't do much alone right now and aside from scaring me, it's pissing me off. I have been independent since I was a kid. I like to do things myself, I like to be ALONE. Now I can't. Its temporary, but I hate it. Don't get me wrong, I love the company, but a little too much of people makes me nuts. Hence, loner status. I think my husband thinks I am weird when I just want to sit alone and do nothing. He's not like that.
While driving to school this morning, or even watching tv, looking on Facebook, I see happy people. I feel like I took that for granted. Living. I see people all carefree and having a great time, whether its getting coffee or waiting in line for a prescription. I guess I can't really explain it, but before I just existed. Now I want to live. Yea I might think secretly why didn't they get sick, but I know it doesn't work like that. I don't want to take it for granted anymore. I want to appreciate the moment and live it.
So today I am attempting to go into the real world, with HELP. Dylan is literally the epitome of a house baby at this point, so the kid could use some interaction. He thinks Stewie the dog is a kid. I've decided Dylan is so well behaved at a restaurant because he thinks it's an alternate universe and it's temporary. He doesn't get out often. Cancer or not, he's loved but is a second kid. Can I get an Amen?
Off I go, I hear the car pulling up now. My chariot awaits.