Taking it all for granted

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This morning I am feeling a bit sad.  I am entitled to that, I have cancer.  It has only been a mere 3.5 weeks since the shit hit the fan really.  In all honesty, I haven't even processed what is going on.  I have been on overdrive going from one appointment to the next, scans here, scans there and then chemo.  I haven't had it all settle. I haven't really wanted to.  Because that makes it real.  I don't want it to be real.  I want this to be a bad dream and I will wake up and say, PHEW JUST A DREAM.  It's not a dream.  It's my reality, albeit temporary, it's hard to see that.  

The title of the post is one that's hitting home for me today.  I just want to do normal stuff.  I want to be the mommy that I was a month ago and run around like a nutbag with Asher, and lay around with Dylan while he throws up on me (classy).  But I can't.  I can't because now I have a port in my arm that really fucking hurts.  I wanted to go to MyGym with D this morning alone, but I can't.  I can't do much alone right now and aside from scaring me, it's pissing me off.  I have been independent since I was a kid.  I like to do things myself, I like to be ALONE.  Now I can't.  Its temporary, but I hate it.  Don't get me wrong, I love the company, but a little too much of people makes me nuts.  Hence, loner status.  I think my husband thinks I am weird when I just want to sit alone and do nothing.  He's not like that.  
While driving to school this morning, or even watching tv, looking on Facebook, I see happy people.  I feel like I took that for granted.  Living.  I see people all carefree and having a great time, whether its getting coffee or waiting in line for a prescription.  I guess I can't really explain it, but before I just existed.  Now I want to live.  Yea I might think secretly why didn't they get sick, but I know it doesn't work like that.  I don't want to take it for granted anymore.  I want to appreciate the moment and live it.  
So today I am attempting to go into the real world, with HELP.  Dylan is literally the epitome of a house baby at this point, so the kid could use some interaction.  He thinks Stewie the dog is a kid.  I've decided Dylan is so well behaved at a restaurant because he thinks it's an alternate universe and it's temporary.  He doesn't get out often.  Cancer or not, he's loved but is a second kid.  Can I get an Amen?  
Off I go, I hear the car pulling up now.  My chariot awaits.

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