I ain’t here to sugarcoat shit

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Cause that’s just not who I am.  I will be honest.  I feel like shit, fucking shit.  I honestly don’t know if this will make sense, but so be it.  I felt badly not writing yesterday, but not badly enough to struggle through a stupid post.  Thank you for all that checked in, and sorry for the short answers back.  My brain function is basically negative right now.

I am not sure why, but this chemo hit me like a lightening bolt this time.  I mentioned that I feel like I am in a total tunnel and fog, but sadly that’s not even half of it.  I am having a lot of anxiety, mostly because these side effects and feelings are completely out of my control.  I can take medicine, but when I do I feel even more fucked than normal.  I wish I was back to NORMAL.  I know it’s a few BAD days, then a few DECENT days until I am ME again, but I wish I could just crawl under the covers and ignore it.  But that would be called DEPRESSION.  And that isn’t welcome here- its natural but I don’t want that bitch over staying her welcome.  Sure I can throw myself a pity party every so often, I am only human.  But a daily one doesn’t work.  My momma told me this morning that I have to get my fighting spirit back.  It has been hidden for the past few days.

Today I am having so oh so chic in home hydration, basically a saline, glucose and other shit drip in my house so I can feel better and not have to go to Beverly Hills to get it.  I don’t know if it was the sight of my nurse Constantine, or just comfort that he was here that made me feel much better. For the first time in a day or so, I am more clear-headed and upright.

As I have said before, with the highs comes the lows, with the in’s comes the outs.  It is a shitty roll of the dice but I hope that I will get through this next week easier than the last few days and then get ready to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT on.

Thanks for your love, always.

xo,
Jessie

5 thoughts on “I ain’t here to sugarcoat shit”

  1. You know these feelings- physical, emotional, mental- are temporary. Hold on to that. It’s ok to feel all the things you’re feeling. You deserve your feelings and they’re valid. You’ll be back to feeling normal (your “normal”) soon. In the meantime, remember you’re loved and there are just so many people who are pulling for you, sending all the good vibes your way, and feeling inspired by your strength.

  2. Hang in there…. You’ll get to the other side . I think if you daily and I’ve added you to my positivity/ prayer list. Your support team is broad. Sending you love, beautiful woman!!!!

    Xoxo
    Jacquie ( Jackson Browne)

  3. Hi Jessie
    I am so sorry for all you are going through but you are a great fighter and you will win this battle.
    Love to come and bring you some lunch and give you a big hug and kisses
    Love you very much and thinking about you
    Sylvia

  4. Being able to express your feelings is part of the fight. Fight on…. Know that we are here to help in any way we can. Your words touch our soul , and when I close my eyes I see your face and the twinkle in your eye …. That fighting spirt you have always had. Sending you love and hugs . Wish we lived closer so I could help out…… But I think of u everyday!

  5. My dear Jessie. There’s nothing to add to all the wonderful and powerful things your friends have posted. I only want to add my heartfelt love and silent wishes during your trek thru this crapola journey you are on. Couldn’t you have chosen a safari or something? My thoughts and love are with you always. Judy

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