Cause that’s just not who I am. I will be honest. I feel like shit, fucking shit. I honestly don’t know if this will make sense, but so be it. I felt badly not writing yesterday, but not badly enough to struggle through a stupid post. Thank you for all that checked in, and sorry for the short answers back. My brain function is basically negative right now.
I am not sure why, but this chemo hit me like a lightening bolt this time. I mentioned that I feel like I am in a total tunnel and fog, but sadly that’s not even half of it. I am having a lot of anxiety, mostly because these side effects and feelings are completely out of my control. I can take medicine, but when I do I feel even more fucked than normal. I wish I was back to NORMAL. I know it’s a few BAD days, then a few DECENT days until I am ME again, but I wish I could just crawl under the covers and ignore it. But that would be called DEPRESSION. And that isn’t welcome here- its natural but I don’t want that bitch over staying her welcome. Sure I can throw myself a pity party every so often, I am only human. But a daily one doesn’t work. My momma told me this morning that I have to get my fighting spirit back. It has been hidden for the past few days.
Today I am having so oh so chic in home hydration, basically a saline, glucose and other shit drip in my house so I can feel better and not have to go to Beverly Hills to get it. I don’t know if it was the sight of my nurse Constantine, or just comfort that he was here that made me feel much better. For the first time in a day or so, I am more clear-headed and upright.
As I have said before, with the highs comes the lows, with the in’s comes the outs. It is a shitty roll of the dice but I hope that I will get through this next week easier than the last few days and then get ready to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT on.
Thanks for your love, always.