Time

The beauty of time is that it goes by, but the sad thing is that it goes by so fast.  Today Dylan is 11 months old.  I cannot even believe that he is this old already.  I feel that the past few months have gone by in an instant, which is both awesome and shitty.  Awesome because it means that I am almost done with chemo (ok halfway there), and shitty because I haven’t been able to really enjoy my babies for the past few months.  I feel like I am almost a weekend parent who enjoys the kids for a few days and then I am gone.

I try to enjoy the days that I am ok to the fullest because I know soon I will be down for a week at a time.  By the end of the days I am so exhausted from playing with them that I cannot wait to go to bed.  It is a good thing that I can still get on the floor and play!

Soon this will come to a temporary end, when I have surgery.  That is my latest worry, that I won’t be able to be the best mommy that I can be while I am recuperating.  It is a long recovery, and one that won’t allow me to pick them up for close to two months.  Two months!  That is a really long time.  Just today, Asher asked me to carry him inside from school.  He hasn’t asked for that in a long time, because he is a big boy as he says.  It dawned on me that in a few months time, I won’t be able to do that so I gladly obliged and carried him.  Damn he is heavy now.

So as I enter my 4th chemo week, I go with a heavy and light heart.  After Thursday I will be close to the finish line, but closer to surgery.  It is bittersweet to say the least, but as I always do, I will prevail.

xo,
Jessie