Well I’ve had a shit few days

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Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth.  This has been a much longer recovery than the 5 treatments before, and I’m over it.  I know I’ve bitched and moaned over the week but it’s really true.

Yesterday sucked so badly, that I knew I would actually sleep last night and I did.  With the help of my friend medication of course.  Lets see, it started with me waking up feeling like shit, the nanny calling in sick, realizing I had to watch both kids alone all day, my parents moving offices so no one to help me, and taking both kids to the doctor in the afternoon.  Awesome.  Well thankfully I managed to bring our old nanny back to watch Dylan for the afternoon so I could fly solo on that.  Then there was a turn.

I got into a car accident in the parking lot of Rite Aid with Dylan.  We are both fine and the car is too.  So Zack came to help me with that because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I might have actually HAD one in the parking lot but don’t really remember.  So with him there, he was able to come to the doctor with me and help with them for the rest of the day. Ah relief.  I was so tired and out of yesterday I couldn’t even function by 6pm.

If you are wondering what it FEELS like when I say I feel like shit, all I can say is having the worst flu aches of your life and walking and sitting literally HURTS.  Most of what I am experiencing these days is severe fatigue and leg pains.  This isn’t the worst but still very painful.  I still can’t each much aside from ice cream and cereal, but at least it is something.  I have spoken to many survivors in my breast cancer group on  Facebook and this is sadly so normal.  Usually by day 10 I have my taste back, but I don’t think that will be this time around.  Someone told me that it will be a year before I taste normally again!  The horror!

Anyway, today I am going to make it a ME day for a few hours.  Its been a while since I just relaxed.  It has been a really stressful week.  I think I will just take some time alone and get a manicure.  That makes everything better, right?

P.S. just got a blueberry muffin and it sucked.  Again.  Grr..

Have a wonderful weekend with your family and friends.  And now that football is officially back, GO GIANTS!!!



Rounding 3rd

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Well, we seem to be rounding third base today.  Not totally, but I think I can see the light.  Last night was especially rough, and not one that I would like to relive any time soon.

Nothing specifically BAD happened, but I was just so uncomfortable and hungry that I was in a bad spot.  Yesterday was the pinnacle of chemo mouth, and any food I looked at literally made my stomach turn.  I basically gagged on a baked potato to get food into my belly.  I tried to drug myself to sleep, but couldn’t even do that so I gagged down a quesadilla to quiet my stomach down.  I think that I finally fell asleep at 1:30am.

Today has been ehh.  I had an appointment with my psychologist which was desperately needed.  I don’t usually go see her during recovery week, but I was so depressed I needed to get out and go.  It definitely helped and I kinda love her.  She basically told me that my depression is completely normal and expected.  It is kind of like going on a great vacation or sleep away camp, you are so UP UP and then crash down because it’s over.  It’s so true.  Thank GOD that this chemo nightmare is finally over, and now I have to come to grips with it.  Believe me, I am more than OK being done with that nightmare.  So I now recover and wait to feel better.  I can do that and then it is surgery time!

I also had a lovely visit with a girlfriend today, who immediately cheered me up.  Sitting with her for an hour or so was just what the doctor ordered.  No talking about the big C, just the kids, life, friends etc.  It’s honestly been a long time since I have been able to talk to someone like her, a real meaningful conversation with no strings attached.  I tell you, people come into your life and damn are you grateful for them.  She even brought me ice cream AND cookies.  A keeper I tell you.

I am going to rest for the remainder of the day now, even though I haven’t really done much, I am still exhausted.  A little TV and writing not bad, right?

Tomorrow will be even better.



Blueberry muffins

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Today is not a good day, this recovery has been much harder than the last in terms of my energy level.  I have none.  The good news in this whole debacle, is that this is the last time GOD WILLING that I will ever feel this way again.  I can honestly say being in pain from surgery sounds more appealing than dealing with a chemo coma.

Anyway, today is day 5 from my last and it’s the first time that I left the house.  I took Asher to school and then hid in my bedroom for the remainder of the morning.  The world was scary and dark to me today, mostly because I am kinda depressed.  OK not kinda, really depressed.  It is all par for the course really, I have chemo, sleep a few days, wake up depressed and lose my appetite. So predictable.

Speaking of appetite, we have a new constant in my life.  Blueberry muffins.  Since the beginning of treatment, well my life really, I have loved me a blueberry muffin.  For some reason or another, every week I have a few (shhh) because that is what tastes good to me.  It must be the abundantly sweet sugary flavor of the muffin that actually lets me taste it, but its pretty much all that sounds good.  I wish I could live in a muffin.  I don’t discriminate though, I will take a good chocolate muffin, pumpkin muffin, really anything saturated with carbs and sugar.

But since my day was going so shitty, I figured I would shower (it is hair washing day after all) and go to Coffee Bean.  They have been my staple lately.  A small tropical tea and a muffin.  Well I was SO excited to taste my muffin and guess what, it was gross.  Like a bad batch or something.  Figures, why would anything be ok today?

So here I am waiting for my mom to come over and cheer me up and get me out of my funk.  Mommy time is always good.  Perhaps we take Asher to Menchies for yogurt.  Why not put more sugar on my sugared veins?

P.S. Don’t send me muffins!!!!


Well hello again

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Good afternoon?  Good evening?  Good September?  I’ll be straight with you, I have no fucking idea what day or time it is.  The good thing is that I haven’t found myself on my bathroom floor….yet.  Compared to Chemo 5, this is a much harder recovery.  I’m not quite sure why, but I knew someone was going to get me in the end.  Why let me off without any fun, right?

The kids went to my parents house yesterday, and they had an excursion up to Oxanard as Asher calls it.  Thank god for my parents, without them these kids wouldn’t see outside the walls of Longridge this summer.  Well, we thank god for them anyway because without their help and my sister’s this summer, Zack would be stuck doing this all alone and I would try to be serious superwoman.  Chemo + Superpowers = bullshit.

Anyway, I finally have the will to write a bit and get all sappy.  This is the depression part of my recovery.  Like clockwork, I get very depressed on Sunday after chemo.  I haven’t been able to sleep much this weekend, so I have just been thinking about my life, summer and the past few months.

This whole ordeal began In the beginning of May, and I found myself sitting in an infusion chair by May 19.  I spent basically every holiday weekend this summer recuperating and getting back on my feet.  As Zack said jokingly, couldn’t we plan better?  No shit, I agree.  I surely missed out on my fair share of good burgers.

As we sit here on the last Sunday of summer, I really can’t help but reflect about all that has gone on over the past few months.  Bear with me as I go down the list: Diagnosed at the age of 35 with breast cancer, numerous tests to make sure it is not spreading, port placements, port removals, 4 chemo through a port, 2 chemo through a vein, my baby turned 1, we had a birthday party, Dylan started walking and I graduated from chemo.  That is a lot to do in 18 short weeks.

18 weeks, that’s all that this was in the scope of life.  These last 18 weeks will last with me through the end of time.  They will stick with me and my family for the rest of my life as a reminder of what I, no WE can handle together.  I have never felt such love for family and friends in my life.  People from all over have come to make sure that I am ok.  Sent things, we have a lot of cornbread and its fabulous.  We have flowers, we have gifts for the kids, we have support.  Just knowing that people care is all we need.  We love each and every one of you and appreciate you.

So as I go back into my hovel of recovery, I just popped up to say hi and that we know you’re there.  Love to everyone, and onto the next chapter that begins September 28.


I made it to the end of chemo!

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Chemo is officially done, I completed six rounds of Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin and Perjeta.  I am continuing with Herceptin until May, but thankfully there are no terrible side effects with that, and it is a 30 minute infusion once every three weeks.

This has been a long road, starting May 19th on my first until today September 1st my last.  There were times that I wanted to quit, there were times I laughed and certainly times that I cried.  It is an emotional roller coaster and one I hope that none of you ever have to endure in your lifetime.  I certainly don’t want to go through this again!

I had the most amazing surprises today, starting from my nurses decorating my chair and walls, to so many friends coming to visit.  What a special way to conclude my journey up until this point.  I even got cupcakes baked with the word TIT on them, how amazing is that.

It was sad to say goodbye to Gavin, my Cold Cap fitter but I am not sad to see them go at all!  He kept my hair, and for him I will forever be grateful! This process would have been ten times harder without hair. I’m forever grateful for him!  I had a Rod sighting today, but we didn’t exchange pleasantries.  How sad.

We had a meeting with my oncologist today, and it went just as well if not better than yesterday.  She confirmed that there are no new masses or anything even visible.  She is definitely on the verge of calling this a complete response.  That is exactly what I wanted to hear!  She said that if my pathology comes back from surgery really well, there is a good chance that I won’t need radiation.  Of course nothing is set in stone right now, but that is exactly what I am praying for!

To conclude for now, I am going to hunker down and prepare for my recovery weekend.  I have my final hydration at Tower tomorrow followed by Constantine my love Saturday-Monday.  Then, no more hydration!  This is my last chemo recovery weekend and I am thrilled beyond believe. I should only have it as easy as #5, where by Monday I felt ok.  Here is to hoping!

Thanks for your love and support!!!!  Don’t worry, this is NOT the end of Cupcakes and Chemo.  There is a lot more to come!  Enjoy some pictures of today, and my celebrations!

IMG_8162 With my graduation cap, tit cupcakes, Stephanie and Cat my nurses and of course Gavin


All of my visitors!


My decorated infusion area and poster my mom made me!