The next day

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Today is hydration day, I am sitting here in my chair getting two hours of fluids and my Neulasta shot (this makes sure that my blood cells regenerate).  I will be honest and say that today hit me a little harder than my first infusion.  I am a little more anxious and nauseated, but I think the nausea is really due to the anxiety.  I asked for some Zantac in my IV to help with that.  I will start taking my prescription meds tonight if it doesn’t get slightly better.

Jana came with me for my appointment, and I finally got to meet my pen pal Marissa!  She was here today getting hydration also.  It is so nice to finally put a face to the email.  On another note, I wanted to relax while here, but there is a translator over speakerphone translating Arabic for a patient.  It is so lovely to listen to this LOUDLY.

Into the weekend we go, I am a little more down in the shitter today and I just keep reminding myself that I have cancer and it is totally normal.  Fucked up beyond belief, but fucked up.  I can only hope that I will be able to be around my babies as much as possible this weekend before it really hits the fan by monday.  One day at a time, one step at a time, one minute at a time.  That’s all I can do.  And breathe.

Thanks again for all of the good wishes and sentiments on seeing me with Cappy.  He will return in a solid 3 weeks!

xo,

Jessie

p.s. Someone remind me to not play with Snapchat while I am getting an infusion.  There was NO recollection of taking a picture of my cap with a crown on it and then Instagramming!

2 down 4 to go!

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Round 2 is done.  The chemo is finished for the day, and now we are onto the Perjeta and Herceptin.  The caps must stay on for 4 hours after they finish, such good fun!

We took some good pictures for everyone today, some before the cap went on and then some with good ol cappy.  All in all it was a good day.  I had some lovely visitors today that made the day go by so much quicker!

Didn’t see Rod, he didn’t surface today but the caps where here. Gavin my tech didn’t think they were cold enough so he kept them in his little freezer a bit longer. Gavin wins for the day.  Oooooh that Rod.

I also used my port for the first time today, I asked Stephanie if it is really in my vein, you know my neurosis from the other day.  Turns out my mom had the same question! Once she put the needle in (Stephanie not my mom), the needle got blood out so that means winning! End result, chemo went into my veins and is not floating randomly in my body.  That’s a relief!

We met with my doctor today and she was rather pleased that I handled the first round so well, aside from all expected side effects.  I also am now the proud owner of a certified pot card.  Dreams do come true, and I just needed cancer to get one.  Awesome.  Lets see if I finally make it into the dispensary now.

Consensus decided for now on “”Fight Song,” although I think “Eye of the Tiger” is a better fit.  I’ll keep you posted on my final answer.

Enjoy the pictures below, I hope you find them as attractive as I do! Until tomorrow…

xo,
Jessie

IMG_6546
Yes, panty liners are on my head
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Full finished look with neck pillow
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Me, my cold cap and trusty IV

 

 

 

An ode to chemo

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T’was the night before chemo
And all through the house
No one was stirring not even a mouse
Anxiety was as high
As a motherfucking kite
Although I can see a true ending in site
My mom will soon be here to take me in
And annoy me for hours while people stick me with pins
My head will be frozen
I won’t feel a thing
Perhaps the lidocaine will feel like a bee sting
Soon there will be two down
Four more to go
Then on I will go with my life living show

 

See you on the flip side.

xo,

Jessie

Let’s get ready to rumble

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Tomorrow is the day, the big day for chemo #2 when I step into the “ring.”  I am ready for my fight, and I fight like a girl.  A badass girl, but a girl.  When I tried to box with a trainer once, I sprained my wrist and had to get a cortisone shot.  Shit, I might be fucked.  Again, I digress.  But this cancer has nothing on me, right?

Fight, Fight, Fight! That’s what I will do tomorrow.  I will fight the pain in my head from the -32 cold placed on my head, fucking Rod better have put those in the freezer.  I left him a message, he’s dodging me.  Fucker. I have my heating blanket ready to go, and I need to get an old sweatshirt to cut a hole in.  Why you ask? Because cancer patients and nurses are so smart that they came up with the idea to cut a hole where my port is so I can stay warm while getting treatment.  Brilliant I tell you.  The hard part is deciding which sweatshirt is worth ruining, because I have a weird connection to all of them.

I’ll of course bring my computer, iPad and kindle with me tomorrow. Lets be honest, I won’t use anything or be able to concentrate on a show.  I can pretend, but doubtful.  If you have suggestions on shows to bingewatch, please send because I am stumped and OITNB doesn’t start for a few weeks!

What has been freaking me out though is my port.  What if by chance they implanted this device in my arm and it isn’t really leading anywhere? What if it is just in my arm and they will put drugs into my system without a targeted location.  Am I wrong to think this? Probably, and I am a total worrywart.  Ugh, stress.

The last thing we need to discuss is my theme song.  Yea, I want a cancer theme.  I have narrowed it down to three.  Here they go with sound clips attached:

I am the Warrior (ok totally about love but whatever good title) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJ68ovUkw58

This is my fight song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Eye of the tiger – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btPJPFnesV4

Leave your suggestions in the comments!

xo,

Jessie

Welcome to my new site!

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I have officially launched my new website, “Cupcakes and Chemo.”  Please continue to follow along with me on my journey here.  There are a few people who I would like to thank to make this happen.

(Steps up on the podium and adjusts the mic so I can reach it)

First, my dad for securing this website and any other .edu, .org, .gov etc.  Audrey Berkley for creating the badass Cupcakes and Chemo logo!  Love it and love you!  Joel Bess for being so amazing and working on this for me.  Thank you so much Joel! Daniel Bidwell for totally making my vision of cupcakes and ribbons float a reality.  Andrew Esparza for putting this together so quickly. Lastly, Zack for just being my badass sidekick.  Love you so much.

Here we go!  Also, feel free to sign up to receive the latest post emailed to you.

xo,
Jessie

Hair today, gone tomorrow

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No, not really but sadly I am shedding some hair.  Thankfully my hair is not falling out in clumps as it normally would three weeks after chemo, but I am shedding.  I can only wash my hair max two times a week right now and brush it on those days because of my curly hair.  When I brushed it it looked like a lot came out, but I think it was just the buildup of not brushing it every day.  That, or I am convincing myself that’s what it is.

Because of the cold caps, I am preserving my hair and am SO thankful for that.  I never realized how vain I was until I was faced with the prospect of losing my hair. I am still kicking myself in the ass for not making an earlier hair appointment a few months back and then canceling when I had one!  Jeremy if you are reading this, we so have a date this Fall with an all natural, vegan hair dye!

I am actually freaking out that my caps won’t make it into the freezer tomorrow.  They need to be frozen for 48 hours or they won’t work.  I emailed my Nurse Practitioner today asking about them making it into the freezer- along with the cold that I have, awesome- and she assured me that Rod (whoever that is) will make sure they are frozen.  So basically my hair and fate is in the hands of this Rod character, whoever the fuck he is.  Here’s hoping Rod doesn’t call in sick tomorrow.

On another note, I met with my Rabbi today.  She’s pretty awesome and makes me very happy that we decided on the temple that we did.  What an amazing community we have found, in religion and friends.  I feel blessed on so many levels, and thankful every day.  We had a wonderful talk today and I am pretty certain that I solidified my craziness with her.  Not many people can make cancer jokes, let alone to their rabbi.  But guess who did???  ME!  Are you surprised?

So that’s all for today.  I am gearing up for Thursday mentally and physically.  Making sure that all my ducks are in a row and everyone has their shit in order.  Along with all of that, Dylan started crawling today.  I think this will officially put me over the edge before cancer does.  He’s a fast little chunkster!

xo,

Jessie

Scars, yeah I got one

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I caved today and took the bandage for my port off two days early. After having the tegaderm on for 12 days, I just couldn’t take it any longer. I miss my skin and showering with Saran Wrap covering it along with a plastic sleeve got old. Fast. BTW, it got wet under anyway so the doctors need to up their showering suggestions.

It took me a minute, but I realized that this port gave me my first scar. My first of many scars on this journey. It wasn’t until I was on that table last week that I realized I was actually having surgery, talk about denial. It ain’t just a river in Egypt folks. But scars, I will have many. Many, many scars. And you know what? As of now, I think that I am ok with it. I don’t know if I will feel the same when I am on the surgery table in October, but right now I am ok.

Scars show a fight, show a path and a journey. This was not a journey I wanted to go on, I would much rather be on a beach in Maui- forever. But alas, as I have learned we do not choose our destiny, it chooses us for some odd reason. If I had chosen my path, I would have ended up at UCSB (and I would have gotten in), I would have probably had an entirely different major and would not be where I am now in my life- cancer aside. That means that I wouldn’t have my two beautiful sons and wonderful husband. Or Stewie the crazy dog.

I have always lived by the Yiddish word of B’shert, what’s meant to be, or your destiny. I don’t know WHY I was given the BRCA2 gene, or WHY it decided to turn me into a mutant, but I DO know that I will turn this into something good. I will make this my mission for the rest of my life to support my journey, and others along the way. I have always said that I needed to find something for ME to do, and for ME to participate in. Unfortunately I had to get CANCER to have it smack me in the face. Prior to this turn of events I decided that I was going to be the next top Real Estate agent in Sherman Oaks.

I want to make a difference in the world and show my scars. I want to help others who need help or are suffering with this cancer or other types. I want to show people to not be afraid and share their journey’s too. I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I am scared as hell but my cancer is curable thank GOD, but it is a scary fucking place to be.

So I will show my scars, I will wear them with pride. I might not even care if they poke out of my bathing suit next summer. I am a fucking warrior and will do whatever the hell I have to do. Scars and all.

xo,
Jessie

Today!

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I did nothing, I am doing nothing! It is fabulous. The kids are at my parents being spoiled. My dad set up a little pool so they can stay cool today. Asher will be a total prune by the end of the day. The kid loves the water just not a big pool. Water Whisperer down the fucking drain. Dylan is either teething or has a cold. I sent along Motrin, enjoy the night mom and dad. HAHAHAHA.

Zack made me a cute little cabana in the shade (i.e. he put a great umbrella over me) because I cannot be in the sun for long. I sat outside and started a book that wasn’t about cancer but about a stalker, it is so good! Now I am inside about to watch a shitty romcom. Does it get better than that? No, no it doesn’t.

Tonight I am going on a date with Zack, checking out a newish restaurant. Thankfully taste has somewhat returned or that would be a waste of money. I am a cheap date these days anyway now that I can’t drink.

My next infusion is Thursday, so we figure live it up today and tonight and relax while we can. A little bit of normalcy is good every now and then to remind ourselves that this is all temporary. The calm, the quiet and the cancer. It is all temporary….

Have a beautiful Saturday.

xo,
Jessie

I am officially a mutant

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I am totally like part of the X-Men now, but not. I’ve always said that Wolverine had something going for him, but I suppose I was just attracted to the muscles. But seriously, I would say I am more like a cross between Magneto and Dr. Xavier. Have I lost you yet?

No seriously, I say I am a mutant because I had my meeting with the genetic counselor today. He confirmed the BRCA2 diagnosis and was also able to tell me that I have tested negative for many other genetic disorders- mainly other cancers. That’s not to say that down the line when I am like 80 I won’t develop something, but as of now he cannot foresee this in my future. It does mean that I have the gene that somewhere along the line mutated into cancer. Unfortunately science isn’t far enough to figure out why or when it mutated but it did. The good thing to know is that it is not because of the oral contraceptives that I took for 20 years, that was a huge worry for me.

What I did find out, was that with BRCA2, I am at a higher risk as we know of developing Ovarian Cancer. The good thing is that there is a very LOW risk of it, nearly around .02% that I would get it by age 40. It does go up to a 23% chance by age 80 though, meaning that there is an ever so slight chance of it developing.

This is where I have to make the tough choices. Do I go ahead and have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed in the next 5 years? Do I wait and just get proactive twice yearly screenings? The scary part is that screening for Ovarian Cancer is not reliable, that is why so many women find out too late. There is a blood test and a transvaginal ultrasound (ladies we had these when we were newly pregnant), the latter is not super comfortable but if it saves a life its worth the pain, right? There are risks to remove my ovaries and tubes of course, one being going into surgical menopause. Sounds great, but it does bring increased issues such as a risk for cardiac problems and osteoporosis. The perk? No period. Being 35 I clearly have time to make these decisions, but then again I don’t have much time.

Another Cancer flag that was raised was my risk of Melanoma. I had no idea that BRCA2 is associated with that. It is a risk for my skin as well as Ocular (eye) cancer. Being that I am vigilant in my skin and eye exams, I shouldn’t have to worry about this for a long time if at all.

Sorry for being totally scientific and unfunny today, it is a bit of a heavy subject. Many of you had questions so I hope this answers some. It is a lot to digest and I am pretty on edge today because of it. It was an emotional day regardless, and I have to remember that those around me LOVE me and are here for support. I need to not take everything out on those close, as none of this is their fault. It is now apparent that it is all Dr. Charles Xavier, or just my fucking fucked up genes.

xo,
Jessie

Door number one or door number two

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When I say doors, I mean BRCA1 or BRCA2.  I didn’t choose BRCA2, but it chose me.  I found out today that I am BRCA2 positive.  I am sure you have all heard about the BRCA gene, but have no idea what it really means.  I didn’t either until a few weeks ago when my world changed forever.

To get all scientific, I will attribute a paragraph from cancer.govBRCA1 and BRCA2 are human genes that produce tumor suppressor proteins. These proteins help repair damaged DNA and, therefore, play a role in ensuring the stability of the cell’s genetic material. When either of these genes is mutated, or altered, such that its protein product either is not made or does not function correctly, DNA damage may not be repaired properly. As a result, cells are more likely to develop additional genetic alterations that can lead to cancer.

As a result of having the BRCA2 gene, I am now at risk of developing other types of cancer such as Ovarian.  That’s not fucked at all, is it?  But there is a good side to this.  If you could choose which BRCA gene to get, I kinda won the jackpot.  With BRCA2, the chances of getting Ovarian Cancer drops to 11-17% whereas BRCA1 is closer to 39%.  See I got something good out of my shitshow, right?  BTW, the risk of getting Breast Cancer with BRCA2 is 45%.  To that, I say a big fat DUH.

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow with my genius geneticist over at Cedars in the scary cancer building to talk about the results.  I am quite relieved to know that I have this fucked up gene, but it’s still rather fucked up.  When I met with him the first time you know what I told him?  That he was a bad fortune teller.  I was right.

At this rate, I have a glimpse of my future and can control my fate.  My fate will probably result in a hysterectomy, but that’s cool with me.  I have my two kids already and not getting a period ever again? Sign me up (TMI? We are all friends here, suck it up).  It’s not a path that I would choose had I not tested positive, but if it saves me from having to go through this emotional roller coaster, stress, pain and chemo I will do whatever needs to be done.

So aside from that glorious bit of news, my day was otherwise good.  My kids destroyed my parents house in a matter of 5 minutes, I polished off some Thai food and could taste it.  Now Asher just woke up the baby so now I suppose I should go check in on him….

xo,
Jessie