It has been over 3 weeks since I have slept through the night, and last night I broke my streak.  I slept for 8 solid hours! I feel great today, and amazingly refreshed! It wasn’t even the cancer that was keeping me up, it was this stupid cold that I have that just won’t go away.  I think I finally kicked it out with a little Z-Pack last night.

Enough about me, thanks for all the kind words about yesterday’s post.  It is really crazy how the world works and brings you to places and meet people who you never thought you would.  That extends to each of you, you know who you are that mean so much to me.  Theres a special place in my heart for my Frank’s.

Germaphobia has taken over my life, meaning little Dylan doesn’t get to go to MyGym today.  Apparently ’tis the season for Hand, Foot and Mouth and that is the LAST thing the Brown’s need right now.  Instead, he will be socialized at the mall.  My mecca, he should be well-adjusted there anyway.  The doctor said I should walk around, she didn’t specify WHERE those walks should be…..

On another note, I found my spirit animal.  Her name is Calysta Bevier and she was on Americas Got Talent singing “Fight Song.” This girl is 16 years old and beat stage three Ovarian Cancer.  She is absofuckinglutely amazing and I want to be her when I grow up.  As she says, “No matter what you’ve gone through, keep chasing your dreams.” Well Said Calysta.  You are my fucking spirit animal and I wish you health and happiness for the rest of your life!  Fuck cancer!

xo,
Jessie

You know how everyone says it’s such a small world? Well it really is!  I have mentioned in the past that my oncologist “set me up” with another patient going through exactly what I am going through.  She is close to my age and they figured we would get along.  You know, two Jewish girls.  I made the first move and emailed her, and the rest is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  But there’s more.

We have been chatting, we started off on email and moved up to texting.  We have a lot to say!  It is so awesome to go through this with someone who can totally relate to you.  To have someone who you can talk about side effects, symptoms, emotions, irritations and more! We decided to meet up today, and had a great time.  Coffee for over 2 hours!  And neither of us drank coffee.  Ha.

Well we did the usual Jewish Geography, starting off with where we went to high school.  Funny, she went to Brentwood and I went to Montclair.  Then I mentioned I had a lot of friends who went to Brentwood, and she knew the first girl I said.  She went to elementary school with her.  Hmm…so did I.

It turns out that we went to elementary school together!  How fucking weird is that!  We knew each other when we were kids!  It is a small world after all.  Now not only am I going through chemo and have someone to relate to, it is someone who I can really relate to! It is so funny how the world will lead you to places that you never expected and to meet people that you never expected to meet, or meet again.  Life is full of unexpected gifts, and this is a gift that I have a feeling I will treasure for a lifetime.  A true friendship.

xo,
Jessie

P.S. we decided that we got cancer because of Martin Duberstein.  It is all his fault. 🙂 Shoutout to all the Castlemont alumni.  Reunion will take place at the Taiwanese retirement center on Reseda and Burbank- where the original campus was.

Holy shit it’s really hot today, but I am sure you are well aware of that.  Seriously, can someone turn down this heat a little because I am SCHVITZING.  I never thought I would want this, but I am begging for a Cold Cap! I wish I could just call up Gavin and be like “Hey, I am hot. Can you come over and freeze my head?” Being -32 sounds pretty awesome right about now.  You know you want one too.

We had a pretty good weekend, and I am feeling much better from my chemo haze.  Now I am just suffering from head cold phlegm haze.  Father’s Day was fantastic on so many levels, and then some shitty ones.  My Father in Law visited us for the weekend which is always so fun, and extra special for Zack to celebrate the day with his dad.  I love watching those two together, its like frick and frack.

My parents, sister and grandma also came over yesterday and Zack manned the grill as he does so well.  Being 1000 degrees what a stupid day for me to choose to wash my hair, dummy.

Here’s where my shitty part came in.  After lunch everyone hopped into the pool.  Except me.  And Grandma, that would be weird.  Oh and my mom.  So not that weird.  But I got all sad that I couldn’t go in the water and get wet and play.  It was Dylan’s first time in our pool, so of course I was mad I missed that milestone.  I could have gone in and not gotten wet, but I was too sad and didn’t feel like struggling.  I can’t even really put my hair up in a pony tail, so it wasn’t worth it.  Sometimes I think it would have been easier to lose my hair, then I realize it wouldn’t have been better.  So I took a nap and had a pity party.  I woke up feeling better but still sad, probably just the lingering obviousness of the CANCER.

I saw my shrink this morning and I asked her a question.  I asked her if I am doing this cancer thing “right.” By right, I mean not breaking down or processing it daily.  Will I ever hit bottom? Will I ever really crack?  I mean I am OK with my diagnosis and know that I will be fine, so is it OK that I don’t cry?  Her response, yes. Simple isn’t it? Yes I am doing it right because I am worried I am not.  Confusing I know, but that’s life.

Stay cool, and don’t be all like uncool.

xo,
Jessie

p.s. First comment who knows what that last line is from gets a cupcake from me.

I am starting to think that I look “cancer-y,” and by that I mean like a cancer patient.  My hair is gnarly, and my skin is pimply and my weight is dropping.  I had a flash yesterday as being known as “Cancer Girl” around town, like when I run into people and they whisper about the cancer like I don’t know.  No that hasn’t happened to me- that I’m aware of yet.

It’s not like the whole world or San Fernando Valley and Long Island doesn’t know that I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, so it’s not a secret.  I do have a blog for fucks sake.  So if you see me around, I know I look like a wackadoo cause my hair is a disaster and whatnot, but act normal. Ask me what my kids did this morning to annoy me.  I will have many answers for you.

Back to the idea of Cancer Girl.  I’d like to be Cancer Girl, but instead of a cancer patient she’s a superhero who saves the lives of those in need.  I even have her all drawn up in my head, but I can’t draw for shit so she will be a figment of my imagination instead.

Blah Blah.  I feel better today also on the chemo side, but now of course I have a cold that is kicking my ass.  Apologies in advance if you have a birthday party for your kids and we aren’t there this summer.  Doctor says no parties for moi. I am crying over this, really I am.  I like cake.

This post is a total jumble of shit, so if you stopped reading I get it. I would much rather be watching OITNB than writing too.  Peace out yo.

xo,

Jessie

 

I really had nothing to write about today.  So here is a picture of a dog being utterly adorable. Have a good Friday.

 

xo,

Jessie

It has been 44 days since my world was turned upside down.  44.  That’s not that long.  In that time, I have had 3 mammograms, 1 needle biopsy, 1 breast MRI, 1 Brain MRI, 1 PET Scan, 1 port placement and 2 chemotherapy infusions.  That is a lot in 44 days.  44 days.

I just looked over my calendar from the time I went to see my OB until today.  A lot has transpired over this short amount of time, relating to me and my family.  Isn’t it crazy what can happen at the drop of a hat?

I’m not sleeping much at night, for some reason or another.  Perhaps its the cancer? Last night I was up (through a Benadryl mind you) and had a lot of time to think.  Honestly there isn’t much else to do at 3am when everyone is sleeping around you and its pitch black.

45 Days ago, I was carefree and slightly nervous but happy.  Not a care in the world except for Zack and the kids. Looking back at the months on my calendar here’s what I had going on: laser appointments, going to the gym, carpet cleaning, a dentist appointment and a trip to Vegas.  I thought I was so busy and didn’t have time to do anything.  Talk about taking everything for granted.  What would I do to go back and have to wait at home for the carpet people to show up, or the IT guy to come.  Nowadays I am waiting for my medicine to kick in and be ok to take Asher to school.

I know I am rambling, but the point of this post is to not wait, don’t dawdle in life.  Do something, Be someone, Enjoy yourself.  Make the most of your days because you don’t know what will come around the bend.  I don’t want you to think I am a worry wart or freak you out that it could be you next, but I want you to go out and LIVE.  I cannot wait to be me again.  I want to put my hair in a ponytail again, I want to just live normally.  I know I will never be totally normal again but that’s ok as we know.   I will be a newer me with a true zest for life.  Maybe I will actually go sky diving.  Ok not really, but I will live, love and be.  I will be me.

xo,

Jessie

My ideal day: waking up late, a nice hot, tasty cup of coffee, a stroll of Bloomingdale’s and a nap.  Of course ending with an episode of Real Housewives.

My reality: Up by 6:45, a lukewarm cup of decaf tea that I can’t taste (metallic taste has settled in for a week- fucker), MyGym and no nap. Of course ending with Real Housewives.  At least I have that. PS- did you see that Jule’s husband filed for divorce?! Not the Asian Jew!!!

Today I figured I would get back “into the world” and take Dylan to MyGym, with my mom’s help of course.  Shit that was exhausting, and I am not talking about chasing him around the gym. Of course he had to start crawling the week of chemo.  I’ll remind him of that when he is older.  I left my mom to chase him around anyway.  Just the mere act of getting dressed and actually looking human was more energy than running a 10k- not like I would know what that was like.  Boy I miss Barry’s.

Doesn’t a leisurely day ending with a nap sound awesome?  We all want to nap and take one when we can and should.  Today I didn’t nap and perhaps that was a good thing.  I haven’t slept much in the past few days, so maybe its my body’s way of saying I am coming ’round the bend again. Or maybe I am just so OVER TIRED that I couldn’t actually shut down.  Or maybe its the fact that Asher screamed for a solid 30 minutes when I was trying to nap because he didn’t like the Hot Wheels I bribed him with.  Potato Potatoe.

Not much else to report today, hopefully I get some good rest tonight.  I might get crazy and try some Benadryl before bed.  Look at me getting all c-uh-razy with cancer.  Today was pretty shitty in the depression department.  I don’t just say that for pity, I just want you to know that I am honest with you all.  I have good days and bad, but particularly today was shit.  It was the kind of “Look at me and I will have waterworks” kind of day.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day and one that allows me to get back in the “world” solo and maybe even put on some jeans.  FANCY!

I hear the kids shrieking, it must be dinner time and Stewie is trying to eat Dylan again….

xo,
Jessie

OH! P.S. Constantine and I watched two episodes of Grace and Frankie this morning.  I think we are going places…

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

– Rachel Platten “Fight Song”

So I have had a few shit days, and I still feel pretty shitty but that doesn’t mean I am not fighting.  I posted a picture on Facebook that said “Keep Calm and Fight On.” Well, I am fighting fuckers.

The in home hydration seemed to really help yesterday, but today I feel pretty queasy again although I am not so sure why.   Funny enough, my friend said the same thing happened to her (she is going through treatment also).  Last night I caved and vaped some pot.  Is that what the cool kids call it these days?  I didn’t smoke it, I didn’t eat it, I used a vaporizer for it.  BTW, I am legal and under doctors orders to smoke.  I have a certificate.  So lookie there, I had to get cancer to smoke pot finally.  Someone I know is very proud of me.

So the pot, I kinda liked it! I wasn’t feeling well this afternoon and took a few hits and passed out.  I am still queasy but I guess that’s normal.  I would rather smoke than be in a prescription bottle haze like I have been.  I am finally not so foggy that I was able to watch two shows.  That is progress.  They were Royal Pains and Devious Maids, so it’s not like I was being all intellectual.

I was able to make it to school with Marlyn to get Asher, that was a big step.  Mostly because my hair looks absolutely gross but also I hadn’t been out of the house since Friday.  It was important to me to get him today, I made my goal.

With that I bid you adieu, I sense some cookies (there are sooooo many here) and pot in my future.  I get it why people give cancer patients lots of sweets….. they know we get high!

xo,

Jessie

Cause that’s just not who I am.  I will be honest.  I feel like shit, fucking shit.  I honestly don’t know if this will make sense, but so be it.  I felt badly not writing yesterday, but not badly enough to struggle through a stupid post.  Thank you for all that checked in, and sorry for the short answers back.  My brain function is basically negative right now.

I am not sure why, but this chemo hit me like a lightening bolt this time.  I mentioned that I feel like I am in a total tunnel and fog, but sadly that’s not even half of it.  I am having a lot of anxiety, mostly because these side effects and feelings are completely out of my control.  I can take medicine, but when I do I feel even more fucked than normal.  I wish I was back to NORMAL.  I know it’s a few BAD days, then a few DECENT days until I am ME again, but I wish I could just crawl under the covers and ignore it.  But that would be called DEPRESSION.  And that isn’t welcome here- its natural but I don’t want that bitch over staying her welcome.  Sure I can throw myself a pity party every so often, I am only human.  But a daily one doesn’t work.  My momma told me this morning that I have to get my fighting spirit back.  It has been hidden for the past few days.

Today I am having so oh so chic in home hydration, basically a saline, glucose and other shit drip in my house so I can feel better and not have to go to Beverly Hills to get it.  I don’t know if it was the sight of my nurse Constantine, or just comfort that he was here that made me feel much better. For the first time in a day or so, I am more clear-headed and upright.

As I have said before, with the highs comes the lows, with the in’s comes the outs.  It is a shitty roll of the dice but I hope that I will get through this next week easier than the last few days and then get ready to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT on.

Thanks for your love, always.

xo,
Jessie

So today is day 2 from chemo #2. I will be honest and say that I feel like shit and my brain is like scrambled eggs today.  My apologies in advance for this sounding like gibberish.  I know understand how Yolanda felt from her Lyme disease…I guess?

This round of chemo seemed to hit me so much harder than the first, I know that everyone says the effects are cumulative but shit, I never expected to literally sleep the entire day away.  I wake from a nap and then 5 minutes later my left eye is literally stuck closed again.  Napping is exhausting.  I felt like I slept the entire day away, but the entire time “Love Actually” was playing.  Either that is the longest fucking movie or I didn’t really sleep as long as I thought.  Regardless, don’t need to watch that again in the near future.

Thanks to everyone for their movie suggestions, if I can actually concentrate long enough, I might watch “Soap Dish,” suggested to me by Judy.

That’s all for now, I feel my left eye starting to close.  Fuck chemo and Fuck Cancer.  Love to you all though!

xo,

Jessie