Month: June 2016

I have officially launched my new website, “Cupcakes and Chemo.”  Please continue to follow along with me on my journey here.  There are a few people who I would like to thank to make this happen.

(Steps up on the podium and adjusts the mic so I can reach it)

First, my dad for securing this website and any other .edu, .org, .gov etc.  Audrey Berkley for creating the badass Cupcakes and Chemo logo!  Love it and love you!  Joel Bess for being so amazing and working on this for me.  Thank you so much Joel! Daniel Bidwell for totally making my vision of cupcakes and ribbons float a reality.  Andrew Esparza for putting this together so quickly. Lastly, Zack for just being my badass sidekick.  Love you so much.

Here we go!  Also, feel free to sign up to receive the latest post emailed to you.

xo,
Jessie

No, not really but sadly I am shedding some hair.  Thankfully my hair is not falling out in clumps as it normally would three weeks after chemo, but I am shedding.  I can only wash my hair max two times a week right now and brush it on those days because of my curly hair.  When I brushed it it looked like a lot came out, but I think it was just the buildup of not brushing it every day.  That, or I am convincing myself that’s what it is.

Because of the cold caps, I am preserving my hair and am SO thankful for that.  I never realized how vain I was until I was faced with the prospect of losing my hair. I am still kicking myself in the ass for not making an earlier hair appointment a few months back and then canceling when I had one!  Jeremy if you are reading this, we so have a date this Fall with an all natural, vegan hair dye!

I am actually freaking out that my caps won’t make it into the freezer tomorrow.  They need to be frozen for 48 hours or they won’t work.  I emailed my Nurse Practitioner today asking about them making it into the freezer- along with the cold that I have, awesome- and she assured me that Rod (whoever that is) will make sure they are frozen.  So basically my hair and fate is in the hands of this Rod character, whoever the fuck he is.  Here’s hoping Rod doesn’t call in sick tomorrow.

On another note, I met with my Rabbi today.  She’s pretty awesome and makes me very happy that we decided on the temple that we did.  What an amazing community we have found, in religion and friends.  I feel blessed on so many levels, and thankful every day.  We had a wonderful talk today and I am pretty certain that I solidified my craziness with her.  Not many people can make cancer jokes, let alone to their rabbi.  But guess who did???  ME!  Are you surprised?

So that’s all for today.  I am gearing up for Thursday mentally and physically.  Making sure that all my ducks are in a row and everyone has their shit in order.  Along with all of that, Dylan started crawling today.  I think this will officially put me over the edge before cancer does.  He’s a fast little chunkster!

xo,

Jessie

I caved today and took the bandage for my port off two days early. After having the tegaderm on for 12 days, I just couldn’t take it any longer. I miss my skin and showering with Saran Wrap covering it along with a plastic sleeve got old. Fast. BTW, it got wet under anyway so the doctors need to up their showering suggestions.

It took me a minute, but I realized that this port gave me my first scar. My first of many scars on this journey. It wasn’t until I was on that table last week that I realized I was actually having surgery, talk about denial. It ain’t just a river in Egypt folks. But scars, I will have many. Many, many scars. And you know what? As of now, I think that I am ok with it. I don’t know if I will feel the same when I am on the surgery table in October, but right now I am ok.

Scars show a fight, show a path and a journey. This was not a journey I wanted to go on, I would much rather be on a beach in Maui- forever. But alas, as I have learned we do not choose our destiny, it chooses us for some odd reason. If I had chosen my path, I would have ended up at UCSB (and I would have gotten in), I would have probably had an entirely different major and would not be where I am now in my life- cancer aside. That means that I wouldn’t have my two beautiful sons and wonderful husband. Or Stewie the crazy dog.

I have always lived by the Yiddish word of B’shert, what’s meant to be, or your destiny. I don’t know WHY I was given the BRCA2 gene, or WHY it decided to turn me into a mutant, but I DO know that I will turn this into something good. I will make this my mission for the rest of my life to support my journey, and others along the way. I have always said that I needed to find something for ME to do, and for ME to participate in. Unfortunately I had to get CANCER to have it smack me in the face. Prior to this turn of events I decided that I was going to be the next top Real Estate agent in Sherman Oaks.

I want to make a difference in the world and show my scars. I want to help others who need help or are suffering with this cancer or other types. I want to show people to not be afraid and share their journey’s too. I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I am scared as hell but my cancer is curable thank GOD, but it is a scary fucking place to be.

So I will show my scars, I will wear them with pride. I might not even care if they poke out of my bathing suit next summer. I am a fucking warrior and will do whatever the hell I have to do. Scars and all.

xo,
Jessie

I did nothing, I am doing nothing! It is fabulous. The kids are at my parents being spoiled. My dad set up a little pool so they can stay cool today. Asher will be a total prune by the end of the day. The kid loves the water just not a big pool. Water Whisperer down the fucking drain. Dylan is either teething or has a cold. I sent along Motrin, enjoy the night mom and dad. HAHAHAHA.

Zack made me a cute little cabana in the shade (i.e. he put a great umbrella over me) because I cannot be in the sun for long. I sat outside and started a book that wasn’t about cancer but about a stalker, it is so good! Now I am inside about to watch a shitty romcom. Does it get better than that? No, no it doesn’t.

Tonight I am going on a date with Zack, checking out a newish restaurant. Thankfully taste has somewhat returned or that would be a waste of money. I am a cheap date these days anyway now that I can’t drink.

My next infusion is Thursday, so we figure live it up today and tonight and relax while we can. A little bit of normalcy is good every now and then to remind ourselves that this is all temporary. The calm, the quiet and the cancer. It is all temporary….

Have a beautiful Saturday.

xo,
Jessie

I am totally like part of the X-Men now, but not. I’ve always said that Wolverine had something going for him, but I suppose I was just attracted to the muscles. But seriously, I would say I am more like a cross between Magneto and Dr. Xavier. Have I lost you yet?

No seriously, I say I am a mutant because I had my meeting with the genetic counselor today. He confirmed the BRCA2 diagnosis and was also able to tell me that I have tested negative for many other genetic disorders- mainly other cancers. That’s not to say that down the line when I am like 80 I won’t develop something, but as of now he cannot foresee this in my future. It does mean that I have the gene that somewhere along the line mutated into cancer. Unfortunately science isn’t far enough to figure out why or when it mutated but it did. The good thing to know is that it is not because of the oral contraceptives that I took for 20 years, that was a huge worry for me.

What I did find out, was that with BRCA2, I am at a higher risk as we know of developing Ovarian Cancer. The good thing is that there is a very LOW risk of it, nearly around .02% that I would get it by age 40. It does go up to a 23% chance by age 80 though, meaning that there is an ever so slight chance of it developing.

This is where I have to make the tough choices. Do I go ahead and have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed in the next 5 years? Do I wait and just get proactive twice yearly screenings? The scary part is that screening for Ovarian Cancer is not reliable, that is why so many women find out too late. There is a blood test and a transvaginal ultrasound (ladies we had these when we were newly pregnant), the latter is not super comfortable but if it saves a life its worth the pain, right? There are risks to remove my ovaries and tubes of course, one being going into surgical menopause. Sounds great, but it does bring increased issues such as a risk for cardiac problems and osteoporosis. The perk? No period. Being 35 I clearly have time to make these decisions, but then again I don’t have much time.

Another Cancer flag that was raised was my risk of Melanoma. I had no idea that BRCA2 is associated with that. It is a risk for my skin as well as Ocular (eye) cancer. Being that I am vigilant in my skin and eye exams, I shouldn’t have to worry about this for a long time if at all.

Sorry for being totally scientific and unfunny today, it is a bit of a heavy subject. Many of you had questions so I hope this answers some. It is a lot to digest and I am pretty on edge today because of it. It was an emotional day regardless, and I have to remember that those around me LOVE me and are here for support. I need to not take everything out on those close, as none of this is their fault. It is now apparent that it is all Dr. Charles Xavier, or just my fucking fucked up genes.

xo,
Jessie

When I say doors, I mean BRCA1 or BRCA2.  I didn’t choose BRCA2, but it chose me.  I found out today that I am BRCA2 positive.  I am sure you have all heard about the BRCA gene, but have no idea what it really means.  I didn’t either until a few weeks ago when my world changed forever.

To get all scientific, I will attribute a paragraph from cancer.gov: BRCA1 and BRCA2 are human genes that produce tumor suppressor proteins. These proteins help repair damaged DNA and, therefore, play a role in ensuring the stability of the cell’s genetic material. When either of these genes is mutated, or altered, such that its protein product either is not made or does not function correctly, DNA damage may not be repaired properly. As a result, cells are more likely to develop additional genetic alterations that can lead to cancer.

As a result of having the BRCA2 gene, I am now at risk of developing other types of cancer such as Ovarian.  That’s not fucked at all, is it?  But there is a good side to this.  If you could choose which BRCA gene to get, I kinda won the jackpot.  With BRCA2, the chances of getting Ovarian Cancer drops to 11-17% whereas BRCA1 is closer to 39%.  See I got something good out of my shitshow, right?  BTW, the risk of getting Breast Cancer with BRCA2 is 45%.  To that, I say a big fat DUH.

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow with my genius geneticist over at Cedars in the scary cancer building to talk about the results.  I am quite relieved to know that I have this fucked up gene, but it’s still rather fucked up.  When I met with him the first time you know what I told him?  That he was a bad fortune teller.  I was right.

At this rate, I have a glimpse of my future and can control my fate.  My fate will probably result in a hysterectomy, but that’s cool with me.  I have my two kids already and not getting a period ever again? Sign me up (TMI? We are all friends here, suck it up).  It’s not a path that I would choose had I not tested positive, but if it saves me from having to go through this emotional roller coaster, stress, pain and chemo I will do whatever needs to be done.

So aside from that glorious bit of news, my day was otherwise good.  My kids destroyed my parents house in a matter of 5 minutes, I polished off some Thai food and could taste it.  Now Asher just woke up the baby so now I suppose I should go check in on him….

xo,
Jessie

I didn't exactly make her cry, but I did shock the hell out of her.  I have to remember that not everyone has my sense of humor or whatnot, to take my “drop the mic” attitude in saying that I have cancer.  When I told her to please not cut my cuticles and make sure that everything was extra clean, she asked if I was OK.  My response was just this, “oh yeah, I have cancer now.”  Um WHAT? They could have gone off in Vietnamese but no, her eyes just were like WTF.  Kinda like you when you probably found out.

The point is that I think I need to remember that just because I am OK with my cancer diagnosis, not everyone will take the news as calmly.  It's not like she started bawling or anything, but it does take a minute to digest this information.  It isn't the same as hearing that I am moving neighborhoods or schools.  Once we did, she pushed back my cuticles nicely and told me that we shouldn't be cutting them anyway because it makes them look ragged in a few days.  So it took me getting fucking cancer to know that I shouldn't have my cuticles cut?  No one could tell me this otherwise?

Otherwise today is just a day, a good day I suppose.  I am very tired today, but not for reasons related to the cancer.  No, actually it is probably that but whatever.  I took the little one to MyGym this morning, he sat there like a lump.  I am so glad that we sat in traffic for him to sit and smile.  At least he got out of the house today.  My poor little house baby.

After school I took Ash to Rite Aid.  It could be his Disneyland.  The mecca opened up when I asked him he wanted some ice cream.  The child has officially been entered into the Thrifty ice cream club, that shit is good.  We could have had a better choice in flavor, but you all know how much I enjoy hearing him say “Bearday.”  His flavor of choice was Birthday Cake.

Oh and he got a new car.  I have cancer, so you get mad at me for spoiling my kid.

xo,
Jessie

Yes, this is true- although there were no actual tears shed. And no, I wasn't mean if you are wondering.  I took Dylan for his 9 month check and saw our pediatrician.  He had found out about the cancer and was just as flabbergasted as everyone else.  I should add that we have a very good relationship, he dealt with me day and night when Asher was a baby.  I was a little nuts as a first time mom.  From then on, we solidified a fantastic relationship.  He still thinks I am insane.

So once again I had to dredge up the subject of cancer, which I don't really mind at this point.  It's more the repeating of the story.  I think I will just refer everyone to the first entry here, it's what my mom does.  What was very interesting, is what he said to me.  “It's happening too much.” He's right, Breast Cancer is happening too often in people under 40.  That's not the interesting part though.  He said that he sees more women diagnosed with Breast Cancer than children with AUTISM!  People are worried about the drugs that are causing Autism, but what about Breast Cancers and others?  Coming from a physician, that really blew my mind.  I don't know the stats and I am not here to sway you to believe what I believe, but I'll be blunt.  This is some fucked up shit right there.

Anyway, Dylan is fine.  He is massive and like 80th percentile in weight.  Asher has never seen more than 50 percentile in his life so the Jewish mother in me is kvelling.  I gave him extra potato with dinner.

On a completely unrelated note, I received a call this morning from a friend who I see every now and then around the Valley.  We have known each other since high school or college and have a billion friends in common.  She is really the first person to actually pick up the phone and call me instead of texting or messaging me.  Of course I cried like a baby listening to her message, and I promise I will call you tomorrow! She told me that she called her OB to make an appointment for a mammogram.  She is under 40- and we all know that the age required is 40 (ridiculous).  That made me so happy that I cried even more.

The entire reason I wanted to write this blog and document my experience was to save a life.  Even if it is one person or 20 who get a mammogram, I have done my work.  It's all about early detection and I thank you for being so proactive.  I urge you to please make an appointment or call to speak to your doctor.  It will probably cost you because insurance sucks but you can skip a latte or pressed juice for a few weeks.  Saving that cash could save your life.  

xo,
Jessie