Month: July 2016

To say that I am in a bad mood today is a serious understatement.  I have the cancer blues today and nothing is getting me out of it.  I look like shit, feel like shit (mentally) and just literally want to sleep the day away so it is tomorrow.

Things have just gone all wrong today and I guess it is nobody’s fault but my own or maybe not.  I don’t even know anymore.  I feel like I am fighting with anyone who comes into my view, including my kids and family.  I hate this cancer thing, I really, really do.  I don’t want it, I didn’t ask for it and I am really not ok with it anymore.  Not like I ever really was.

On the plus side, I am feeling better physically but the other side effects have kicked in.  I am officially a metallic mouth and food is the enemy.  I am once again playing my game with eating and you know how much I hate that.

But back to my point, I hate cancer.  I really hate it and what it does to people.  It doesn’t just affect the one suffering, because it affects everyone involved.  Whether it is the patient, the husband, children or friends.  Everyone is susceptible to some sort of cancer aspect whether they like it or not.  I said this morning, I didn’t want to get cancer.  I don’t think anyone really does.  I just wish people could see it from my perspective and understand how it does feel.  It’s a lonely, lonely place and I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.  It really can only go up from here I suppose.

xo,

Jessie

Well, I almost feel 75% better today.  I would say that I do feel 75% better but I am just not there yet.  My nausea is coming and going still, but I think that’s just because I need another Zofran stat.  I probably waited too long to take it again but oh well.

My in-laws came today, Dad Dad and KK all the way from New York to visit.  This was the week we were supposed to be visiting out East, so it’s so nice to have them here.  They just scooped up Asher and whisked him away to his favorite place: the arcade.  I just got a video, kid has no skills but is he adorable trying to bowl.  He should stick to pinball!  They will be broke by the end of the day.  I spent $50 last week.

I was so glad that yesterday finally ended.  I know that pictures are just pictures and aren’t always what they seem, but I was so glad to see the holiday end.  I did end up being able to enjoy myself a bit and indulge in the BBQ, but still had some raw emotions raging through me.  There was a lot of “why me” going on yesterday and a slight pity party.

When I was washing up for bed, I could hear the fireworks and got all sad again.  I don’t know what it is about the 4th of July, but I get all emotional.  Maybe I am really happy to be an American?!  Well I opened my window to the bathroom and watched a pretty awesome fireworks show for 10 minutes.  To end the day that way, I guess you could say it went out with a bang.

To feeling even better tomorrow.

xo,
Jessie

 

Happy 4th of July! Ha!  Yea so happy over here.  I hate today and am depressed.  I figure not many people will read this today because you are out having fun, so I can say that.  I wish I were out having fun instead of having to hide from my kids while I get hydrated.  Sidenote- Beanna can stay, she sets up and leaves for about an hour.

It has been a rough weekend of symptoms, but mostly I just cured them with Zofran and pot.  Not a bad combo.  This cycle is definitely BETTER than last, but different also.  I just wish it were over and I can’t honestly see myself going through another 3 rounds of this shit.  But I have to and I will, right?

I see all of you having a blast with your friends and families this weekend, and I won’t lie, it breaks my heart.  I wish I were splashing in a pool, in New York, eating hotdogs, having fun.  Instead I am in bed wishing for my nausea to go away and my life to go back to normal.  Sorry for being Debbie Downer, but it’s true.

I wish that it was cold and rainy and it was December.  December is when I will most likely be done with my big surgeries and who doesn’t like Christmastime? Instead of being Christmas, I will just watch Elf on TV, because it keeps playing.  It’s the 4th of July, yet Christmas movies are on.  Go figure.

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is to sing loud for all to hear!”

-Buddy the Elf

xo,

Jessie

Yea I won’t lie, I am in a bad mood today.  I have fucking cancer I am entitled to it.  To top it off, Constantine didn’t show up, because he had a problem with another patient.  So I have Beanna today.  I like her, she set me up and went to run and errand.  No awkward small talk.

My parents took the kids for a few hours today so I can do my hydration without freaking them out, and Zack could use a few hours of solitude I am sure.  I LOVE my children but shit they are tiring after chemo!

I looked at my calendar today, and I have 60 days left of the first part of my treatment.  In 60 days, if all goes according to plan, I will have my last chemotherapy.  60 days.  That is just two months.  That’s fucking nuts.  Three more infusions to go, three more recoveries and then a month of recuperation then right into surgery.

The good news is that I haven’t had to take any of my meds yet for nausea or pain.  This time three weeks ago I was a walking disaster, actually a laying down disaster unable to keep my head up.  To say this is an improvement is an understatement.

Well here is to feeling ok for the rest of the day and or weekend.  I hope I will be somewhat coherent for the 4th.  I love the 4th of July! oh well, there is always next year.

Thanks for listening to me bitch as always.

xo,

Jessie

Well, we made it through my 3rd infusion as well as my 3rd hydration. Mazel tov! Break out the Manischewitz!  So far so good, no ill effects hitting just yet which is good.  I am just very tired as usual.  It blows that Monday will be a full-blown shit storm just in time for the 4th.

We were supposed to leave for New York tomorrow, that makes me so sad.  We usually go for the 4th and have a whole family bbq out east and see the cousins.  We couldn’t go last year either, but that’s because I was cooking Dylan and was way too pregnant to move let alone fly.  Next year we will go for sure, along with Israel and Italy.

In other news, Zack found my hat.  I bought a cancer hat for the days that my hair is just too gross to do anything with, you know because there is just so much for me to do with it now. He swore that he didn’t throw it out, I even found my way digging through TWO garbage cans and every room of this house.  I eventually gave up and found an identical black version at Target this week.  Well guess what, he found it today!   Where it was I just didn’t believe.  It was in the GARAGE REFRIGERATOR.  Do you have any idea how many times he’s been in there since? Oye fucking vey.  As long as I have it back that’s what matters! I am still giggling about it, better than being so pissed!

So I am doing home hydration this weekend, starting tomorrow through Monday. I am a little nervous because I don’t know if Constantine is going to show  up, does he work on the weekend!?!?!  Does he work on Holidays???  Who will I watch Grace and Frankie with?  This is the shit that will keep me up at night and no amount of Atavan will help me through.  I will totally let you know what happens.

I think I will take a siesta and get my siesta party started for the weekend. Let’s hope for an easy recovery this time and that Constantine comes here to visit.

xo,
Jessie