Month: August 2016

Oh hello makeup drawer, it’s so nice to see you again! I woke up this morning, actually just GOT up this morning feeling ok.  I didn’t really sleep due to the previous nights shenanigans- understandable right?  I was way too terrified to take any pills before bed, fearing I would again wind up on the floor.  I was feeling so blah this morning, that I decided I needed to “put my face on” so they say.

It has been over a week since I have “done myself up” and I just needed it.  For me, for the kids and Zack, for the new nanny!  She started today, more on that later.  Anyway, I felt somewhat normal that I took the kids to meet my mom and Grandma for lunch.  I have absolutely NO taste right now, so I ordered the absofuckinglutely spicest pasta known to man.  I am still tasting it!  Progress! It was good to get out of the house, but now I am resting up until our play date comes over.

I said it before, but this has been the strangest chemo recovery ever.  I don’t know if I am seriously lucky, but I haven’t had to take a pill since Sunday for my nausea.  My mom said she saw them give me the drugs, but I really don’t believe it.  I am not complaining!

Anyway, Isabel started today and Asher has taken to her like a moth to a flame.  He has been following her around showing her everything, and it is rather cute.  It doesn’t hurt that she gave him watermelon and drives a RED car (he loves anything red)!  Lets hope the love affair keeps up.  I think i’m having a harder time than the kids!!

Hope you’re having a wonderful day, I am schvitzing.

xo,

Jessie

Wait till you hear this one.  So I tried to get a good night sleep last night like I did the night before, but that didn’t happen.  It is very normal to have side effects creep up in the middle of the night and keep you awake.  Genius me, I tried to make sure that didn’t happen.

Lets just say, that by 12:30am I found myself on the bathroom floor with no fucking idea how I got there.  I was convinced that I was in my bed, but couldn’t understand why I was so cold and the bed was hard.  Yea, idiot I was on the tile!  The whole thing must have lasted a minute, but I was convinced I was lost in Beetlejuice land of a sandworm or something.  Maybe I learned my lesson than to take too much medication before bed.  Whoopsie.

Otherwise, this chemo coma isn’t as bad as the others.  I have really had minimal nausea this time around which is totally tripping me out.  I have only had to take one Zofran and nothing else.  Constantine came this morning to give me my final hydration of this round.  Boy I will miss him and his starched Dockers for a few weeks.

To say everything is status quo is about right, my taste is gone and the anxiety is heightened from not being able to eat.  I am on the up and up!  I feel decent, so I might even venture with my mom and Asher to his swim class today.  It is the hottest day of the year I hear, so why not?

Today is our nanny’s last day, and I am in denial.  I haven’t acknowledged it because I am so sad.  I will miss her terribly.  Maybe she will come back one day, who knows!

On to the housewives from last night…

xo,

Jessie

I really have no idea what day it is to be honest.  I have been in a haze of recovery, and I ain’t complaining.  The kids went to my parents yesterday and had a blast.  They covered the Long Beach Aquarium like pros and everyone left with a prize and an ice cream cone.  Sad I missed out on that.  Asher’s swirly cone looked epic.

I slept the majority of the day away, even missing Zack’s delivery of a 12 ft. Ficus tree to block the neighbors view of our yard.  Yea, we are dicks like that.  I fell asleep yesterday after dozing all day at 5:45p and woke up again at 10:30p, that was interesting.  I managed to pass back out and woke up at 6:30a.  Thank you to my friends Ativan, pot and Reglan.  Keep up the good work folks.

Now I sit with my hydration going in my arm and Constantine sitting by my side.  It is quite awkward, but I am so used to it that it doesn’t bother me anymore.  The things you learn to get used to with cancer, strange Ukrainian men sitting next to you and watching television.  Hmm..

I just played the most epic game of “Would you rather” with my friend, we both decided that being 10 months pregnant with constant pelvic pressure is way better than day 3 of a chemo coma.  Also, a 24 hour stomach flu is better as well.  So if you were curious, there you have it.

So now I sit and relax and wait for this phase to be over, hopefully I get some energy back later today.  Usually by Sunday evening I am feeling slightly better.  Heres to hoping!

Have a great Sunday, put your hair up and go swimming!

xo,
Jessie

I survived day one and had my hydration this morning.  I was back on the right side of the infusion center, I felt much more at ease there today!  I hate change, what can I say.  My dad took me this morning, it was a nice little bonding.  Then I passed out and he went to get breakfast.

We made progress by convincing and having everyone agree to let me take the PICC out next week after I go for a bandage swap.  Thursday should end the time that any wire, needle or foreign object is in my body- until my surgery that is.  I will take it.  So I will have my last and FINAL infusion by IV!  They will then give me a new IV for my hydration the following day and keep that needle in until I finish my final hydration that Monday the 5th.  YAY!

The kids are off to my parents tomorrow, I am so looking forward to some quiet and recovering in some peace.  Hopefully I just sleep until sunday and then feel better by Monday.  Poor Dylan has a cold, I hope that he wakes up feeling better tomorrow.  If not, maybe I will pack some Ativan for my parents too!  The big question is who they will send for hydration.  Will it be Constantine, Beanna, Laura or someone new?  Who ever it is, they better scrub the shit out of their hands.  I am NOT getting another infection.  Fuck that.

Hopefully you have a lovely and relaxing weekend, do something fun and hug those you love.  The cornbread is in the oven.

xo,

Jessie

Today, August 11, marks my 5th chemo treatment.  What a milestone to reach, although I will be so much happier in 3 weeks when I finish my 6th and final! I will continue Herceptin for a year, but that is easy and can be done in an hour with no cold cap treatment.

It was a good day, Christy and Amy came to visit me along with Zack, my Dad and Sister.  Of course mom was there too.  I don’t remember every convo that I had, but I know that were there.

I say it was a good day, but in reality I had a mild panic attack who we got there.  They placed me on the East side today, meaning I was totally out of my element and my OCD/superstition kicked in.  I have sat in the same spot for the first 4 treatments and now I was thrown for a loop. I am now thoroughly convinced that I will be sick for the entire week and not be able to move.  I am slightly insane, but this we know.

The PICC line was ok, but I am working hard to get it out next week.  I would love nothing more than to do my last chemo through my veins and not a line.  Dylan has already tried to grab it through my bandage, which freaks me out.  We will see next week when I go for a bandage change.  Say your prayers now.  Hi Paige.

Lastly, I took video of my cold cap placement. I know I have shown you pictures, but Christy was my videographer today and recorded Gavin doing cap #4 this morning.  We actually did a total of 15 today, it was a long start.  Enjoy the video, think freezing thoughts for me while you watch!

21 days people, 21 days!

xo,

Jessie

That is how I feel today, along with being emotionally drained.  I had my PICC line placed today, and that was not fun.  It didn’t hurt, but it was a little more work than I was told.

When I made the appointment last week, the nurse told me that it would take 5 minutes.  Ok maybe the actual placement takes 5 minutes, but the entire procedure is about 45 minutes.  So of course I was late to get Asher, who was sitting next to the door waiting for me when I got there.  Insert sad music.

Anyway, I am depressed today for so many reasons.  Mainly because I go in for my 5th chemo tomorrow, and now that I can’t shower normally for another month or so.  Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get a break for a few days before my surgery, where I can wash my hair normally and not have Glad Press N Seal over my arm.  A gal can dream, right?

So now I have tubing hanging out of my arm, and I am terrified that if I move weird or a kid grabs it, that it will fall out.  Oh, the nurses warned me this could happen.  Their advice was to not push it back in, DUH.  I have cancer but I am not stupid.  It’s like I am starting a new gang with a constant bandage on my arm, I’m so cool.  I’ll call myself the Bandageitos.

I have a confirmed surgery date of September 28th at 6am.  We are on the books with my surgeons, so relieved and scared.  The good thing is that I know it will suck for a few weeks, but then I know it will be better from there.  It is a strange way of thinking but it is what gets me through.  They wanted to do my pre-op on the 21st, but I said no. Why?  Because I am DETERMINED to take Asher to Disneyland for his birthday!

Lastly, I just tried to drop off all of the baby carriers to send to South Africa.  Of course there was a hiccup there.  The store that I went to was a UPS only store, and I need a Fed-Ex.  I didn’t have time to go to a different place, so another week of waiting to send.  Why would anything go right today?

Hope your day is better than mine!

xo,
Jessie

 

That is my life lately.  Doctors at least twice a week.  I get lucky this week and get to go to doctor’s offices not once or twice, but FOUR times!  Today I went to my plastic surgeon (more on that later), Wednesday I get to go get my PICC line, Thursday is chemo #5 and Friday is hydration.  Admit you’re a bit jealous.

Today was a good meeting with my doctor though, I was very anxious to see him and felt much better afterwards.  I can’t say that I am excited, but I am ever so slightly excited in a twisted way.  I am not sure if it is the new boobs, a vacation from my life, or a guarantee that cancer will be out of my body.  I think it is an honest mix of all three.  I am always honest, right?

My mastectomy and reconstruction are scheduled for September 30th right now, assuming that my white counts go back to normal after my 6th and final chemo.  Up until now, all of my counts have been great with no problems.  Let’s all hope that everything stays the same for the rest of my treatments.

The timeline is pretty straightforward assuming that I don’t need radiation.  What is totally fucked up, is that we won’t know for certain if I need radiation until after the final pathology comes back 3-5 days after surgery.  Lets all say a huge prayer now and nightly until surgery so I don’t need radiation.  Not only will it just suck and delay everything, but I will have a red hardened boob for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to pay X amount of dollars for imperfection and this shit ain’t cheap.  Again, honesty.  On the other hand, I just want to live so there’s that too.

Radiation totally fucks up my timeline, and I will tell you why.  First surgery is the end of September.  The second surgery (permanent implant) would go in 4-6 weeks later.  Well if I need radiation, I can’t have that for 6-8 weeks post surgery, and that lasts about 5 weeks.  With radiation, everything swells and gets red so that would need to go down before the implant goes in.  Annoying, and that would be about 6 months later!!!  Ugh, again I choose life over vanity but still wanna look good!

All in all it was a great meeting, and I will be shitting my pants about going in for surgery.  It is the boob job I always wanted but was too scared to get.  There, I said it.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting.  Along with doomsday prep, the new nanny is coming to work with Marlyn and meet the kids.  But better than that, is that I get to go to TARGET!  ALONE!!!  Wish me luck…

xo,

Jessie

Well the weekend is done and I am fucking exhausted.  We had a blast!  Friday night we had a great dinner at Odys & Penelope, I can’t stop talking about it because it was THAT good.  It is unusual to go to a restaurant and like every single thing that was ordered, but we did!  It was awesome to sit with Court and just chat while sitting next to each other.  I can’t complain!

We loved our visit so much and it was so wonderful to see her with Asher after so long, and to squeeze Dylan in the flesh! Ahh, so much time and distance, I can’t wait until I can travel and go visit her soon!

Otherwise our weekend was great, and we enjoyed it as much as we can before next weekend comes.  I can’t believe that in a week I will be coming out of my 5th chemo coma.  Just two more, yet it feels like so many more to deal with.  There are just 25 days left until #6, but for some reason it feels like an eternity.  I guess it just the way it works, right?

I noticed a funny thing keeps happening, and don’t think of me as being conceited by saying this.  People keep saying to me that I look wonderful lately.  It is really odd to me, because I think that I look like shit.  Are people just being kind or do they really think that?  I took a look at myself today and said, hey I don’t look half bad for a chick with cancer.  I am so not the type to think I am GORGEOUS ever, but today I think I looked pretty.  It was a nice little boost for my ego because I have been feeling so ugly.  I keep saying, maybe its the 10 pounds I have lost- the best diet you never want to be on right?  Anyway, my skin is clear for the time being and I am dealing with my eyebrows.  I have learned to pencil them quite nicely.  You work with what you have, right?

As the weekend ends, and a new chemo week begins I take it (life) as it is. We batten down the hatches and brace for the storm.  Guess it is time to buy more Vitamin Water and cornbread.

xo,
Jessie

OMG, I hugged my bestie for the first time in almost 2.5 years!  I cannot even begin to tell you the tears that came when I opened my front door at 11am this morning.  Courtney flew across the country to see me, and I am speechless.  We haven’t seen each other since April 2014 when she moved back home.

I swear that I didn’t want to let her go the minute that she walked in the door!  You never realize how much a person means to you until they move away or are gone.  Courtney is my person who I love like a sister and is always there.  There are no words and you know that I always have something to say!

Sadly I had to cut our morning visit short, because I had to go back to the doctor to check on my port wound.  I could only get into the doc at 1:30 today, and had to take it before the weekend.  I knew I would be a nervous wreck thinking something was wrong and end up in the ER.  Thankfully all is good and I am healing nicely.  The shitty part is that because of the chemo, everything takes 10x longer to heal.  A stupid hang nail takes 2 weeks as opposed to 3 days.  It is really fucking annoying.

I go BACK to the doctor on Monday, but to see my reconstruction doctor.  I am kinda excited to see him, this is my final appointment before pre-op in a few months.  No, I am not choosing DDD’s.  We have a lot of questions, and I am starting to get nervous about recovery, but it is what it is.

On that note, I am going out to dinner- an ADULT dinner- for the first time in a hell of a long time.  Can’t wait to catch up more with my bestie, what a great weekend!!!

xo,

Jessie

Sorry for not writing yesterday, I just had a busy day!  First I had breakfast with my cancer buddy, then Zack finally got home from his business trip, and then I had a dinner with 10 of my high school and college friends!  Talk about a busy social calendar for a day.  That is more activity than I have had in months.  I’m exhausted.

It was so good to have my catchup with Marissa.  She is my savior and guiding light throughout this Breast Cancer journey.  I have said it before and will say it again, I couldn’t get through this without her.  It sucks we met (again) this way, but it was meant to be I suppose! Anyway, we talked about everything as usual and it was fabulous.  And Joan’s makes a kick ass breakfast sandwich if you are curious.

I didn’t write about Zack being on a business trip, but man was it hard to take care of two kids (even with a nanny) for three days!  These munchkins certainly have a lot of energy, especially at bedtime.  But they were really good while daddy was gone so I cannot complain!  It was so great to have the family back together!

Last night dinner was great, we do these reunion dinners every few years and it is so nice to catch up.  I have known some of these girls since I was 12 years old! Everyone knows what is going on obviously, but to talk about it was nice and answer any questions people had.  The girls asked when they should get a mammogram, and the answer is NOW!  Remember, my lump wasn’t detected in a breast exam back in January.  Even if it isn’t covered by insurance be your own health advocate and get checked out!  Anyway, it was great to reminisce about high school shenanigans and laugh, it really is the best medicine.

Today I am having lunch with my soul sister from another mister.  I have never met anyone aside from my sister who likes the same ridiculous movies as me.  I’m talking Maid to Order, Beetlejuice and Overboard.  She is fucking awesome and super swisty like me.  And she likes Tender Greens.  Love this bitch.

Hope you have a great Thursday, countdown to chemo #5 next week.  But first I have a huge weekend with my bestie coming to town!!!!

xo,

Jessie