Month: July 2016

T-2 Days until the chemo party!  Whoo hoo!!! Who has their party hats, blowers and Zofran ready!? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But guess what, I only have 44 more days until my last infusion!! Not that I am counting every day or anything. I am really excited to put this chapter behind me, but on a twisted note I am looking forward to SLEEPING this weekend.  The kids are going to my parents, ring the bells!  Sorry mom and dad, but Dylan doesn’t sleep past 5:30.  Insert evil laugh here.

I ran around like a loon today, got my necessary mani and pedi before treatment.  I think she cut my cuticles today, I wasn’t paying attention.  Oops.  Then I went and got paint samples for our house.  It was so much fun, not.  Then I took a nap.  I love my naps. Then Jana came over, love those times Asher doesn’t know she’s coming and he squeals with glee.  She brought him rainbow pasta, how fun is that!  And he ate it, awesome.

In my car today I got sad. I found a rubber band for my hair in my cup holder.  It must have been there for a solid year, but I never really noticed it until today.  I am seriously in withdrawal from pony tails.  You must think I am obsessing about my hair. It is the little things like that which make this so damn hard, aside from the whole cancer thing.  I know that I will be able to put my hair up sooner than I think, but I really miss it.  By the time I am done with chemo and ready to really scrub my hair, I will have had surgery.  Meaning I won’t be able to wash my own hair.  Today my mom said she will take me to Dry Bar when it is time, thank god it is down the street.  I will frequent it often!!

So tomorrow is my last day of freedom.  I am supposed to take Asher to see his very first movie.  I have a feeling we will end up at the arcade again.  I will keep you posted on the outcome.

OH! I almost forgot that I confirmed the caps are frozen.  I found a better person to talk to than Rod, and boy did he get annoyed.  Iris called and said Rod placed them yesterday in the freezer.  Yay Rod.  He said to her, “what she doesn’t trust me?”  No Rod, I don’t.  They weren’t cold enough last time and Gavin had to put them on ice!  Fucking ROD!  Your name is a pole!!!!!  Anyway, thanks Iris!

xo,

Jessie

The beauty of time is that it goes by, but the sad thing is that it goes by so fast.  Today Dylan is 11 months old.  I cannot even believe that he is this old already.  I feel that the past few months have gone by in an instant, which is both awesome and shitty.  Awesome because it means that I am almost done with chemo (ok halfway there), and shitty because I haven’t been able to really enjoy my babies for the past few months.  I feel like I am almost a weekend parent who enjoys the kids for a few days and then I am gone.

I try to enjoy the days that I am ok to the fullest because I know soon I will be down for a week at a time.  By the end of the days I am so exhausted from playing with them that I cannot wait to go to bed.  It is a good thing that I can still get on the floor and play!

Soon this will come to a temporary end, when I have surgery.  That is my latest worry, that I won’t be able to be the best mommy that I can be while I am recuperating.  It is a long recovery, and one that won’t allow me to pick them up for close to two months.  Two months!  That is a really long time.  Just today, Asher asked me to carry him inside from school.  He hasn’t asked for that in a long time, because he is a big boy as he says.  It dawned on me that in a few months time, I won’t be able to do that so I gladly obliged and carried him.  Damn he is heavy now.

So as I enter my 4th chemo week, I go with a heavy and light heart.  After Thursday I will be close to the finish line, but closer to surgery.  It is bittersweet to say the least, but as I always do, I will prevail.

xo,
Jessie

Whew! What a weekend we had!  I feel like we barely sat down all weekend  but in reality I had two naps yesterday.  It’s always a good one when you’re thoroughly exhausted at the end and can’t wait for school in the morning.  Parents, can I get an amiright or amiright?

I guess you can say that kids really say the darndest things.  After this weekend we realized that Asher really does hear everything we say around the house.  We aren’t shy about using the word cancer, and surprisingly he hasn’t asked what that means.  Yesterday he really did take us by surprise though.  When he asked Zack if he could throw a water balloon at me, Zack said no. No because duh it’s wrong and secondly mommy can’t get her hair wet.  Do you know what Asher’s response was?  Is it hair washing day?  I guess he really picked up on the hair.

The good news is that he isn’t really acting out because of me being sick, just because he’s almost four.  Fucking fours.  They haven’t even started yet and they are so fun.

The weekend was good, date night was a success and Dylan slept until 7 yesterday.  We capped off the weekend with a lovely dinner and play date at a friend’s house.  Asher swam so much this weekend that he’s now a legit fish.  Those Water Whisperer lessons, and daddy lessons have finally paid off!  Let’s hope we keep up the goodness as we head into this week of infusion number four.  FOUR!  I guess that number is a theme of this post!  Fucking four, then there will be two and then one!  Ahhhh! So close yet so far away right.  I hope I remember to call Rod tomorrow and make sure those caps are extra frozen for Thursday!

Go watch some crappy reality tv now, that’s my plan!

xo,
Jessie

I woke up this morning feeling so sick, I had to cancel my breakfast plans.  I hate to cancel plans, and especially hate when I have been trying to see people for so long!  Goddamn cancer is seriously getting in the way of my social life.  Ugh, we had to reschedule for after my next infusion.

My next infusion is creeping up on me, big #4. For some reason I am getting nervous, but I always seem to a few days before.  I am trying to relax and enjoy the next few days because I really have nothing to be nervous about.  I know exactly what to expect and when to expect it.  I’m an expert on chemo at this point.  Sad, isn’t it?  Who would have ever thought that I would be an expert on chemotherapy and it’s side effects.

Speaking of side effects, one of the most fucked up ones is the healing process.  To say that is an understatement really.  Everything takes so much longer to heal when these toxic drugs are pulsing through your veins.  Not to be gross, but my port still hasn’t healed from May.  I already had to take antibiotics for it a month ago, and I think I might need another round.  My two other friends had their ports heal within a week, me on the other hand still has a scab on mine.  It is frustrating and making me think my arm will be amputated.  Looking back, maybe I should have waited the full 10 days to take my bandage off and not be a wise ass at 9.

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but everything has a side effect with chemo.  I can’t say that I am over it, because that means that I’ve given up.  I haven’t don’t worry.  I can’t give up my fight because you all NEED me!  I just heard from another friend today that she had a breast exam because of me.  Do you know how good that makes me feel to know people are getting checked?   My mission of good has worked!  I am proud to be making a difference, shitty that I have to go through this to make one, but happy I can.  Once my shitshow is over, I do plan on making a change in some way or another.  Whether it is a foundation or joining a committee, this is my calling and I will see it through.

We have a nice weekend planned, not sure if we will have time for Bed Bath and Beyond but we will see.  Tomorrow is a doubly good day, it is hair washing day and date night!  Who hoo!  Cancer ain’t keeping this broad inside all weekend.  Have a good one people.

xo,
Jessie

Cancer. Coffee. Club.  That is what Triple C’s means.  What does that exactly mean you ask?  Let me tell you.  It’s my girl squad, my cancer girl squad!  Guess what, you can’t sit with us.  Why?  Because you don’t have cancer.  You lucky bitch you.

Who is in this super-duper fancy club?  My new friends.  My new friends who unfortunately have cancer also.  We are ok- NO PITY ALLOWED!  I have told you about my friend who has cancer, the one I so weirdly went to elementary school with.  Now get this, our new friend who is also being treated by the same oncologist lives in the house behind my other friend!  This shit is getting creepy by how small this world is.  It is an insane little coincidence and we couldn’t be happier that we were all introduced.

I have mentioned before how amazing it is to have other women to speak to regarding chemotherapy, side effects, cancer sucking and general life.  It is even more special to really LIKE the people who you are introduced to! One of them is onto treatment 5 next week, I am on 4 and the other is going into 3.  By October we will all have had our surgery and be done!

I really feel fortunate to have met these women, I guess cancer really works in mysterious ways!

In other news, I decided to take on a new project today.  I am so brilliant.  I have decided to donate my  baby carriers to an orphanage in South Africa.  So along with dealing with cancer, chemo side effects and more, I am now gathering baby carriers from all over the country.  I am so brilliant.  If you have one to donate, let me know and I will include it in the box.

Here is a pic of me and the gals today!

xo,

Jessie

Today is Wednesday, it is just a day.  My day hasn’t been bad at all, and it hasn’t been fantastic.  It has been good.  Good is good, yes?  Wait I lied to you.  Today has been fanfuckingtastic!  IT WAS HAIR WASHING DAY!!!!!  I love me some clean locks.  I even took a picture of me looking like Shirley Temple for you to giggle at.

Anyway, I met my mom and grandma for lunch today with Dylan.  He got out of the house, yay!  This kid is so funny, he is already enamored with trucks.  We went to a restaurant that we have gone to since I was 2, and we know the owners very well.  The weirdest thing happened, I was so nervous to go!  My mom told me that she had told them about my cancer, and for some reason that worried me that they knew.  Was I going to feel ambushed?  Embarrassed?  Would they doubt it because I have my hair?

Of course there was nothing but love when we walked in, and sure my hair was touched but that didn’t bother me.  I think I realized that I would have preferred the anonymity instead of being a focal point.  Is that weird?  I guess I just prefer to float along and not have the attention put on me unless asked for.  Sure, I am writing a blog and am VERY open about having cancer but in my day-to-day I want to just be Jessie.  I know that it sounds like I had to dredge up cancer the entire meal but it really wasn’t talked about.  I think I made it a bigger deal in my head and really everyone was too busy fawning over Dylan and his love for food!

That’s all for today, I am just going to relax for the rest of the day because I am pretty tired today.  Hope everyone is having a great Wednesday!

xo,

Jessie

 

Oh my God am I grateful to have hair.  Oh my God am I sick of treating it like a baby.  Oh my God what would I do to put it in a pony tail.  But again, I am really thankful that I have my hair.  This process is just really annoying to me, because I just want to wash, rinse, brush and repeat.  Numerous times a day.

With my Cold Caps, I can only wash it twice a week or less.  I literally have a calendar in my bathroom for my medicine and hair washing.  Again, grateful to have hair!  I have to wash it with tepid water on a very light shower head.  Long gone are the days to sit and waste water in the shower.  I get in and out in literally 4 minutes these days.  Governor Brown would be really appreciative of my conservation habits.  The caps are obviously working, I have barely lost any hair at this point.  I think I am maybe down 10%?  Maybe less, maybe a little more.  Just grateful it’s there.

What I have learned over the last few months, is that we really treat our hair like shit.  I used to wash my hair twice a day and brush the hell out of it.  After these fucking toxins are done flowing through my veins, I kinda think that my hair will be better off than before!  I mean, I haven’t had color put in for almost 7 months so there’s that aspect too of it being healthy!

Also, I realized that I don’t need to brush my hair every day.  So I might go for the half rats nest look some days, but at least I know that I can rock curly hair!

Tomorrow is hair washing day, I feel like I should celebrate!!

xo,

Jessie

What a weekend!  I finally felt human and could almost taste my food, for me I say that is fantastic!!  We were so busy being a family this weekend that I almost forgot about cancer, almost.

It is such a treat these days to feel good that you forget to slow down.  I have packed this week so full because next week I go back for an infusion, and need to remind myself to chill.  It actually isn’t that hard to remind myself because I fall asleep sitting up around 3pm.  Anyway, it was a great weekend all around.  We rested, I actually went in the pool, Zack relaxed and we saw some friends.  Goodness all around.

On another note, I was introduced to Brene Brown today by my therapist.  She is awesome (so is my therapist).  See, when you have cancer, it is REALLY important to see one.  There is a LOT to talk about.  But anyway, she showed me this video that I am including today.  It talks about EMPATHY vs. SYMPATHY.  If you know me and read this often, you know that I HATE sympathy.  I don’t want your pity either.  There is such truth to the difference between the two, and I have never resonated more with anything.

When people found out about my cancer, people reacted differently as expected.  With the exception of the few that I expected, and the few that surprised me, most of you have shown me empathy.  Thanks for that!!

Please watch this video below, it is really eye-opening and inspiring.

xo,

Jessie

Having Breast Cancer initiates you into a club that you never wanted to be a part of, but are very special one to be in.  Sounds weird, right?  It’s like a sisterhood, but different from any family or sorority that you know of.  It is a COMMUNITY.  The love that one emits from one warrior to another is astounding.  It is an all-embracing love blanket that you accept from friends and strangers alike.

When I found out I had cancer, I immediately turned to a friend who had had cancer also.  She was the only one, aside from a distant relative that I personally knew that had battled and won.  The sisterhood with her was immediate.  She had undergone treatment, although different from mine, and a double mastectomy.  I knew she would be a good sounding board to lean on.  I also have a friend who gave me an awesome gift a few weeks back, who had a prophylactic mastectomy, again love pours out of her and into me.  Although we had different situations, there is a connection there.

I find myself so open in groups on Facebook or talking to people who have gone through this.  I have always been a social media geek, but I want to speak and be heard on the forums now.  I want to share my feelings and experiences.  When I get an invite to join a group for Breast Cancer patients, I am PROUD to be a part of it.  I got one today from a girl who I don’t even know, but we have friends in common and I accepted.  She took it out of the kindness of her heart to include me.  We have now formed a friendship online, another sisterhood.

Then there is my friend from my oncologist. The sisterhood and bond that we have formed over these few short weeks is something that cannot be unbroken.  We literally text each other all day long about everything and anything we can think of.  I’ve said it before, but I am so lucky to have her in my life.  I think she is stuck with me forever.

I say all of this because I was kind of hit with a realization that some “friends” aren’t really friends.  I understand that people have their own lives and are free to do whatever they want but they don’t show up.  Basically some people are all talk but no walk.  When they heard about my diagnosis, it was all “I’m here for you, here for the kids! Anything you want!” I know totally that it is so hard for some to deal with this information, but again it is not hard to pick up your phone and send a text.  Phones are basically attached to our bodies at this point.  I have heard from Facebook acquaintances more than certain friends from my past.

I thought that I could count on a few certain people, but nope.  And you know what?  That is OK with me.  I know who loves me and is there for me, and who isn’t.  I am sure they won’t read this or any of my other blogs, and again fine with me.  I am writing this as a type of closure for myself.  It might sound mean, but I needed to get it out on here.

To those close, those near and far, the new friends I have made and old, the strangers reading this and following, thank you.  Thank you for being there for me whether it is physically in person or leaving a comment.  I read every single one you leave (Hi Glo!) and appreciate all of the Facebook and text messages.  I am a tough bitch and will keep on kicking ass and taking names.   Don’t worry, I won’t report you to Santa for being selfish and going on the naughty list.

xo,

Jessie

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who reached out to me yesterday.  I think I scared a few of you with how depressed I sounded.  I was pretty upset yesterday, and just could not shake my funk.  Thankfully today is MUCH better like I knew it would be.

Yesterday actually got better the second our nanny left early and I had to “watch” the kids.  I haven’t really been a hands on parent for the past couple of months due to my “situation” but it was nice to get back into that role.  We just played in the playroom for a few hours and had a nice time.  Asher even let me share his Magnatiles- Dylan tried to eat them.  I felt more human and less cancer-y for the first time in weeks and I needed that.

Today is also a good day, I went out and got a manicure and pedicure, had lunch with my family and feel ok.  Aside from this whole no taste thing, things are looking up.  I hope to have everything back in working order by this weekend.  It would be so awesome if I could press reset and be 100%, maybe I will work on that in my free time.

In the meantime, I am going to take a nice nap.  Dylan is waking up so damn early again and I am exhausted (sorry Zack!). If you have tips on how to keep a baby sleeping until at least 6:30 please leave them in the comments.

Until tomorrow my friends….

xo,

Jessie