Oranges

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I can taste! My sense of taste kind of came back last night, and this morning I totally tasted my delicious Jasmine Dragon Shrek Euphajamima Doubtfire Green Tea from Coffee Bean!  I even tasted ever so slightly the blueberry muffin as well.  I think they are just gross that is why it sucked last week.  Anyway, WHOOO HOOO!  I just ate an orange, and it tasted pretty damn good as well.  I couldn’t handle another week of not eating, that got old.

Today has been a busy day, but a good one at that.  We decided to postpone a little procedure for Asher until the end of the year, with everything that’s going on it is just too much.  I decided that I need to be selfish for once and put myself ahead, and the doctor said it won’t make much  difference so in the end, better.  I hired a new nanny today, now I have to fire the old one which is never fun.  You could cut the tension with a knife around this house, not something we need right now.

I had a great lunch with a dear friend today whom I don’t get to see very often.  We have tried over the past few months, but you know- life.  It’s always great to catch up with people who you know care and check in.

Lastly, I am starting the post surgery shopping.  I know that there is a laundry list of items that I am going to need, so I am heading to Target this week to stock up and obviously for fun. From other friends who have had this procedure, even a new toothpaste is a necessity.  So I am off to buy some button down pjs, new toothpaste and more button down flannel print shirts than I owned in the early 90’s.  If you have any suggestions on things you think I might also need please let me know.  I am open and writing a list!

Hope your Monday is going great, it is Monday Night Football after all.  And remember, the Giants won yesterday so we are undefeated!

xo,

Jessie

131

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That is how many days it has been since my diagnosis.  I tell you that, because I am finally close to feeling normal again.   We have gone over the amount of procedures and the number of chemo’s I have had so we don’t need to do that again, but it’s a shit ton.  All in 131 days.  One day I am going to a Guns N Roses show, the next I am on a biopsy table.

It goes to show you how fast time goes, and how fast things can change in a blink of an eye.  This weekend, 2 friends that I know walked in the AVON Breast Cancer walk, and one did so honoring me.  Thank you Jenn!  It was so touching to see her note and supporting me and the countless number of people affected by this stupid disease.  Stand Up To Cancer aired this weekend also, I said on my Facebook how crazy it was to be on the other side this year.  I cried like a little bitch during the opening scene, and we made donations.  My new sweatshirt should be here next week.

So I don’t really have much to say this weekend except how nice it was to spend together as a family unit, especially while I am feeling well again.  We have a new cancer in this house, it’s called football but at least it leaves in February. HA!  It was actually pretty cute to have Asher screaming all weekend that the Giants play the Cowboys this weekend and begging to watch the game already.  We have a young football fan on our hands.  Dylan, he just smiles.  The family dynamic really has changed with his walking abilities.  Crazy how in a day he can occupy himself with a drawer, empty it and walk away immediately.  Such skills these kids have. Oh, and I was able to finally eat a little today, that’s good!

Now we are on another countdown, for surgery.  In 17 days it’s my turn.  I am terrified but ready.  I just want to get those pathology results and be told NO RADIATION!  Whatever it is will be, but damn that would be nice.  Say a prayer, won’t you?

Tomorrow we go into another week, enjoy it.  Grab your pumpkin lattes by the balls and do what makes you happy.

xo,

Jessie

Well I’ve had a shit few days

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Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth.  This has been a much longer recovery than the 5 treatments before, and I’m over it.  I know I’ve bitched and moaned over the week but it’s really true.

Yesterday sucked so badly, that I knew I would actually sleep last night and I did.  With the help of my friend medication of course.  Lets see, it started with me waking up feeling like shit, the nanny calling in sick, realizing I had to watch both kids alone all day, my parents moving offices so no one to help me, and taking both kids to the doctor in the afternoon.  Awesome.  Well thankfully I managed to bring our old nanny back to watch Dylan for the afternoon so I could fly solo on that.  Then there was a turn.

I got into a car accident in the parking lot of Rite Aid with Dylan.  We are both fine and the car is too.  So Zack came to help me with that because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I might have actually HAD one in the parking lot but don’t really remember.  So with him there, he was able to come to the doctor with me and help with them for the rest of the day. Ah relief.  I was so tired and out of yesterday I couldn’t even function by 6pm.

If you are wondering what it FEELS like when I say I feel like shit, all I can say is having the worst flu aches of your life and walking and sitting literally HURTS.  Most of what I am experiencing these days is severe fatigue and leg pains.  This isn’t the worst but still very painful.  I still can’t each much aside from ice cream and cereal, but at least it is something.  I have spoken to many survivors in my breast cancer group on  Facebook and this is sadly so normal.  Usually by day 10 I have my taste back, but I don’t think that will be this time around.  Someone told me that it will be a year before I taste normally again!  The horror!

Anyway, today I am going to make it a ME day for a few hours.  Its been a while since I just relaxed.  It has been a really stressful week.  I think I will just take some time alone and get a manicure.  That makes everything better, right?

P.S. just got a blueberry muffin and it sucked.  Again.  Grr..

Have a wonderful weekend with your family and friends.  And now that football is officially back, GO GIANTS!!!

xo,

Jessie

Rounding 3rd

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Well, we seem to be rounding third base today.  Not totally, but I think I can see the light.  Last night was especially rough, and not one that I would like to relive any time soon.

Nothing specifically BAD happened, but I was just so uncomfortable and hungry that I was in a bad spot.  Yesterday was the pinnacle of chemo mouth, and any food I looked at literally made my stomach turn.  I basically gagged on a baked potato to get food into my belly.  I tried to drug myself to sleep, but couldn’t even do that so I gagged down a quesadilla to quiet my stomach down.  I think that I finally fell asleep at 1:30am.

Today has been ehh.  I had an appointment with my psychologist which was desperately needed.  I don’t usually go see her during recovery week, but I was so depressed I needed to get out and go.  It definitely helped and I kinda love her.  She basically told me that my depression is completely normal and expected.  It is kind of like going on a great vacation or sleep away camp, you are so UP UP and then crash down because it’s over.  It’s so true.  Thank GOD that this chemo nightmare is finally over, and now I have to come to grips with it.  Believe me, I am more than OK being done with that nightmare.  So I now recover and wait to feel better.  I can do that and then it is surgery time!

I also had a lovely visit with a girlfriend today, who immediately cheered me up.  Sitting with her for an hour or so was just what the doctor ordered.  No talking about the big C, just the kids, life, friends etc.  It’s honestly been a long time since I have been able to talk to someone like her, a real meaningful conversation with no strings attached.  I tell you, people come into your life and damn are you grateful for them.  She even brought me ice cream AND cookies.  A keeper I tell you.

I am going to rest for the remainder of the day now, even though I haven’t really done much, I am still exhausted.  A little TV and writing not bad, right?

Tomorrow will be even better.

xo,

Jessie

Blueberry muffins

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Today is not a good day, this recovery has been much harder than the last in terms of my energy level.  I have none.  The good news in this whole debacle, is that this is the last time GOD WILLING that I will ever feel this way again.  I can honestly say being in pain from surgery sounds more appealing than dealing with a chemo coma.

Anyway, today is day 5 from my last and it’s the first time that I left the house.  I took Asher to school and then hid in my bedroom for the remainder of the morning.  The world was scary and dark to me today, mostly because I am kinda depressed.  OK not kinda, really depressed.  It is all par for the course really, I have chemo, sleep a few days, wake up depressed and lose my appetite. So predictable.

Speaking of appetite, we have a new constant in my life.  Blueberry muffins.  Since the beginning of treatment, well my life really, I have loved me a blueberry muffin.  For some reason or another, every week I have a few (shhh) because that is what tastes good to me.  It must be the abundantly sweet sugary flavor of the muffin that actually lets me taste it, but its pretty much all that sounds good.  I wish I could live in a muffin.  I don’t discriminate though, I will take a good chocolate muffin, pumpkin muffin, really anything saturated with carbs and sugar.

But since my day was going so shitty, I figured I would shower (it is hair washing day after all) and go to Coffee Bean.  They have been my staple lately.  A small tropical tea and a muffin.  Well I was SO excited to taste my muffin and guess what, it was gross.  Like a bad batch or something.  Figures, why would anything be ok today?

So here I am waiting for my mom to come over and cheer me up and get me out of my funk.  Mommy time is always good.  Perhaps we take Asher to Menchies for yogurt.  Why not put more sugar on my sugared veins?

P.S. Don’t send me muffins!!!!

xo,
Jessie

Well hello again

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Good afternoon?  Good evening?  Good September?  I’ll be straight with you, I have no fucking idea what day or time it is.  The good thing is that I haven’t found myself on my bathroom floor….yet.  Compared to Chemo 5, this is a much harder recovery.  I’m not quite sure why, but I knew someone was going to get me in the end.  Why let me off without any fun, right?

The kids went to my parents house yesterday, and they had an excursion up to Oxanard as Asher calls it.  Thank god for my parents, without them these kids wouldn’t see outside the walls of Longridge this summer.  Well, we thank god for them anyway because without their help and my sister’s this summer, Zack would be stuck doing this all alone and I would try to be serious superwoman.  Chemo + Superpowers = bullshit.

Anyway, I finally have the will to write a bit and get all sappy.  This is the depression part of my recovery.  Like clockwork, I get very depressed on Sunday after chemo.  I haven’t been able to sleep much this weekend, so I have just been thinking about my life, summer and the past few months.

This whole ordeal began In the beginning of May, and I found myself sitting in an infusion chair by May 19.  I spent basically every holiday weekend this summer recuperating and getting back on my feet.  As Zack said jokingly, couldn’t we plan better?  No shit, I agree.  I surely missed out on my fair share of good burgers.

As we sit here on the last Sunday of summer, I really can’t help but reflect about all that has gone on over the past few months.  Bear with me as I go down the list: Diagnosed at the age of 35 with breast cancer, numerous tests to make sure it is not spreading, port placements, port removals, 4 chemo through a port, 2 chemo through a vein, my baby turned 1, we had a birthday party, Dylan started walking and I graduated from chemo.  That is a lot to do in 18 short weeks.

18 weeks, that’s all that this was in the scope of life.  These last 18 weeks will last with me through the end of time.  They will stick with me and my family for the rest of my life as a reminder of what I, no WE can handle together.  I have never felt such love for family and friends in my life.  People from all over have come to make sure that I am ok.  Sent things, we have a lot of cornbread and its fabulous.  We have flowers, we have gifts for the kids, we have support.  Just knowing that people care is all we need.  We love each and every one of you and appreciate you.

So as I go back into my hovel of recovery, I just popped up to say hi and that we know you’re there.  Love to everyone, and onto the next chapter that begins September 28.

xo,
Jessie

I made it to the end of chemo!

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Chemo is officially done, I completed six rounds of Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin and Perjeta.  I am continuing with Herceptin until May, but thankfully there are no terrible side effects with that, and it is a 30 minute infusion once every three weeks.

This has been a long road, starting May 19th on my first until today September 1st my last.  There were times that I wanted to quit, there were times I laughed and certainly times that I cried.  It is an emotional roller coaster and one I hope that none of you ever have to endure in your lifetime.  I certainly don’t want to go through this again!

I had the most amazing surprises today, starting from my nurses decorating my chair and walls, to so many friends coming to visit.  What a special way to conclude my journey up until this point.  I even got cupcakes baked with the word TIT on them, how amazing is that.

It was sad to say goodbye to Gavin, my Cold Cap fitter but I am not sad to see them go at all!  He kept my hair, and for him I will forever be grateful! This process would have been ten times harder without hair. I’m forever grateful for him!  I had a Rod sighting today, but we didn’t exchange pleasantries.  How sad.

We had a meeting with my oncologist today, and it went just as well if not better than yesterday.  She confirmed that there are no new masses or anything even visible.  She is definitely on the verge of calling this a complete response.  That is exactly what I wanted to hear!  She said that if my pathology comes back from surgery really well, there is a good chance that I won’t need radiation.  Of course nothing is set in stone right now, but that is exactly what I am praying for!

To conclude for now, I am going to hunker down and prepare for my recovery weekend.  I have my final hydration at Tower tomorrow followed by Constantine my love Saturday-Monday.  Then, no more hydration!  This is my last chemo recovery weekend and I am thrilled beyond believe. I should only have it as easy as #5, where by Monday I felt ok.  Here is to hoping!

Thanks for your love and support!!!!  Don’t worry, this is NOT the end of Cupcakes and Chemo.  There is a lot more to come!  Enjoy some pictures of today, and my celebrations!

IMG_8162 With my graduation cap, tit cupcakes, Stephanie and Cat my nurses and of course Gavin

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All of my visitors!

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My decorated infusion area and poster my mom made me!

xo,

Jessie

Well we made it!

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Tomorrow is the day, my LAST chemo!!!  It has been a long ass 18 weeks, but we did it.  Well, mostly me that is.  I couldn’t have done it without all of you and your support, my cheerleaders and Frank squad.  I love you all.

Through this journey that I have been on since May, I have made new friends, reconnected with old friends, lost a few friends and became closer with our family.  It is truly an eye-opening experience to be on a journey and kicking cancer’s ass.  I have learned so much over the past few months, that I could probably write a book.  Maybe I will, you never know.

I am so beyond excited to be done with chemo tomorrow that I just might not sleep tonight. Strike that, I will just take an Ativan and be done with it.  I also get to say goodbye to Gavin, and my cold caps.  While I will miss my new British friend, I will not miss his amazing caps!  I also get to say peace out to Rod.  Ahh, bye Rod!

On top of today being my last day before chemo, we received some AMAZING news this afternoon. I had an appointment with my breast surgeon, and we didn’t really know what we were seeing her for but she didn’t want me to cancel.  She did an exam and didn’t feel any new masses, that was the first amazing news.  I had to go get imaging which I was hoping to get before surgery, so I was sent for a mammogram and ultrasound.

I had my mammo first, and let me tell you, childbirth hurts worse like I’ve said before.  I also asked the tech what happens if the machine doesn’t want to let go of your boob after you’re done.  You’ll be happy to know that there’s an emergency release button.  You’re welcome.  She was very happy to tell me (although wasn’t supposed to) that there were no new masses found and my original ones were basically gone.  They could only tell where they were by the titanium markers that were placed after my biopsy.  Amazing.

Then I had my ultrasound.  Even better news was that she could not see anything on my left breast.  There were NO VISIBLE MASSES FOUND.  It was even printed on a report.  Do you have any idea what that was like to hear those words?  I felt like the heavens opened up and I was poured fairy dust all over my body.  Or unicorn farts.  Either one.

All in all it was a fabulous meeting and I really felt like this chemo did it’s job and tomorrow is just the topper.  I know that I still have a long road ahead with surgery and Herceptin, then medicine for 5-10 years, I can do it.  I can pretty much take whatever you throw at me.  Cancer or pie, I like pie better.  Pumpkin….soon.

On the ride home from the doctor, my mom and I heard “Fight Song.” It couldn’t have been a more memorable time to hear that, and it was a new slower version. I literally bawled like a baby, because I did it.  I made it to the end.  I looked at my mom and she was crying too.  What a bunch of pussies we are.  I love it.

I am a fighter, I did it.  You did it with me.  Many thanks and love.  Followed by unicorn farts.

xo,

Jessie

 

We are getting there

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Well fucking Rod, he was dodging my calls.  Do you think the caps are in the freezer? I have called Iris also, she said she left a message for him.  I just called again, Mr. Happy Face was just SOOOO pleased to hear from me.  “They are always in the freezer Jessica.”  OOOOKKKKK, just checking.  I certainly don’t want my LAST chemo to be the one to make me lose my hair, right?  I have cancer, I have the right to be pushy.  Oh Rod.

Now that is all straightened out, I feel better.  Physically I do also today.  My left foot isn’t as tingly today, but it did keep me up last night.  I think that I was really nervous also, so that contributed to my sleepless night among other things.  My cold is ever so slightly better today also, I am taking a lot of Zicam to keep it at bay, hopefully it will work.

Asher went back to school today.  Can all parents please let out a collective scream of happiness?  He was so tired after his first day that he almost passed out in the car.  I call that a successful first day in the books!

Another day down, and another day closer.  Tomorrow I have two doctors appointments, one for an echocardiogram and another followup with my surgeon.  Should be a long ass day but I am ready for it. You know me, I am ready for anything these days!

Almost time to check off another day on the calendar!

xo,
Jessie

It is THE week

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We have made it to the LAST week of chemo, officially.  I am officially on a countdown to the LAST time I will hopefully ever have to have chemotherapy enter my veins.  Here is to the final countdown of days.

I have never in my life wanted the days, hours or minutes to go so fast in my life.  As my dad said tonight, he has never wanted a summer to be over more in his life.  I can’t agree more.  I have wanted the summer to be done before it even started, as sad as that is.  I have been waiting for September 1st since May 17th!  You know that I have been crossing off the days on my bathroom calendar for the past few months, to see that there are only 3 days left feels amazing!  I can’t wait to tick off today- then there will be only 2 days!

In other news, I have developed neuropathy in my feet.  I am not 100% sure, but am pretty sure that’s what it is.  My legs started to hurt on Friday, but since the party on Saturday it has been worse.  I wasn’t sure if I should chalk it up to standing for 4 hours, or just the fucking neuropathy.  I have been totally forgetful the past few weeks about taking my glutamine, so I am really kicking myself for that.  We have to take glutamine because it is supposed to prevent neuropathy.  Oops.  Anyway, today the tingly sensation got a bit worse in my left foot.  I am praying that it doesn’t get worse.  The good news is that it does go away apparently.  Here’s to hoping!

More complaints from me.  I feel like I am getting a cold.  My nose is runny and I feel post nasal coming on.  This is the last thing that I need right now.  I need to be healthy for Thursday and so can’t afford to get to Tower and have my blood checked to be told my white cells are too low.  I will strangle somebody and it might be Rod.  Don’t worry- I call that fucker for the last time tomorrow, just to fuck with him.

So I leave you with the countdown of 3 days!  (I am too lazy to count the exact time.)

xo,
Jessie