The party was a success, and I am now completely exhausted.  Everyone had a great time, including the adults.  The food was awesome, the entertainment was a success and the weather was even better!   The cakes weren’t perfect, but no one knew except for me and Zack.  Oh well, at least  they tasted really good!

After the party Asher tore through all of his gifts, and Dylan’s in equal time.  Poor kid didn’t even get a chance to enjoy his presents because of big brother.  Just wait until he can really kick the shit out of him.  It will happen.  I wanted to literally collapse after everyone left, but didn’t get a chance to nap at all.  We then had a brilliant idea to take the kids to dinner last night.  I passed out at 7:30 in my bed- then woke up for more cake at 8:45.

The thing about chemo, is that it really wears you out after a while.  It is cumulative as they say, and if I am doing too much it really wears me down.  This is something that I really keep forgetting.  On top of everything, I started to develop muscle fatigue which is becoming bothersome.  I really need to rest this week before I go in for my last chemo on Thursday.

Even though I am having my LAST AND FINAL FUCKING CHEMO on Thursday, did you know that I will need to continue with an infusion for a year?  I will need to go back every three weeks for Herceptin until the end of May.  It is not a big deal and there are really no side effects except for runny nose, brittle nails and heart problems.  No seriously.  I have to get an echo every three months until it is complete.  So when I say I am done with chemo, I still have to go through this infusion, but I am not in the least concerned about it.  The biggest issue is Coldwater traffic there and back.

Tomorrow we start the FINAL countdown.  We are literally DAYS away from chemo 6.  Here is to a healthy and fast week until Thursday.  I literally feel like it’s Christmas and I am going to have the biggest present waiting for me under the tree!!!

xo,
Jessie

This morning I have been feeling a bit emotional, but I couldn’t figure out that was what was bothering me.  My friend asked me at camp pickup if I was ok, and I said yea. I guess I was giving off body language that proved otherwise, and she was right to pick up on it.  Love you.

I didn’t realize that I was sad today, I just shrugged it off as being tired because I didn’t sleep well last night. I never sleep well when Zack goes away, there is always part of me that stays awake and then passes out at 3am really hard.  A big fat thank you to my kids for sleeping until 7 today! After I realized I was a bit sad, I realized that I needed a bit of family time to feel better.  naturally that meant lunch with mom, dad and Jana.  Food is ALWAYS the answer with me, especially when it is recovery week!

Being around family and not being alone (or with two kids and a nanny) always seems to cheer me up.  I do love my family, and we have bonded even more these last few months of hell.  Without them and of course Zack, I wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other day after day. Having family so close is a blessing, and one that I certainly won’t take for granted ever again.

On the way home from lunch I began to sink down again, and it wasn’t because of the traffic.  Just then, “Fight Song” came on the radio and I realized that once again I have a lot of fight left in me.  I am not done, this is taking the strength out of me but I will build myself back up step by step.  I am not done and will never be done.  I will forever be a fighter.

This afternoon I get to take Dylan for his 1 year checkup.  Does anyone want to place bets on how much he weighs???

xo,
Jessie

Today was the second meeting of the Triple C Club.  We had a great time, and it’s always so good to see my new friends.  It’s a sad reminder that we all have cancer, but we are all in such good spirits that it is easy to forget all over again!  We got to Coral Tree at rush hour for lunch, and emptied out the joint by the time we left!  We know how to party us cancer girls, let me tell you.

We talked about everything from our doctors, to treatment and surgery, to our kids.  Boy our kids are giving us all headaches.  They are all around the same age, and personally I think that Asher is starting to be affected by the cancer and all of the changes around here.  It is hard to not be affected whether you are 4 or 34 honestly.  Cancer sucks and there’s no way around it.

Otherwise this week has been status quo.  I am feeling pretty normal again, except for the sheer and utter exhaustion that hits me daily at 2:30.  Like clockwork I feel my body sinking and my eyes rolling to the back of my head.  Apparently it is totally normal, how awesome is that?  What I do forget, is that all of this is cumulative.  The chemo that is.  I’ve always said, I’ll be ok and it won’t happen to me but it does.  I am tired.  Really really tired!  Next week I have my LAST chemo and I cannot WAIT!!!  I just wish the time would speed up and I would be in “the chair” already.  As crazy as it sounds, I am really excited to get chemo.  It might burn through my veins, but at least I will remember it.  I like to go out with a bang.  Or, burn.

I have a lot to keep me busy until next week.  We have the kid’s birthday party this weekend.  Remind me why I decided to do that again?  Next week is also filled with a few doctors appointments and other stuff.  I will be running around while I can and enjoy it.

I’ll leave you with this picture that I have been sending around all day.  I can’t help but giggle and hope you do to.

xo,

Jessie

Hives are gone!  Yay!  I feel good, yay!  Aside from those bastard hives, we had a great weekend.  Ok, Sunday was great.  We had no yelling from the kids, everyone ate well, and we went to the Farmers Market.  The highlight was seeing Dylan on his first ride, the swings!  The night ended early with Zack and I promptly passed out on the couch.

Today has been a great day too.  I really can’t complain!  Ash is going to a new camp down the street for a week and had a blast today.  Thank GOD for that mini camp this week.  The poor kid was going stir crazy being in the house for a week.  Dylan is being an angel, and I am happy.  I even felt well enough to take both kids to lunch.  ALONE.  No one cried, not even me!  They even both ate.  Miracles.

I know this post isn’t really cancer related, but it has been a great day.  I received word that our donated baby carriers arrived in South Africa and we were sent pictures of them being used.  It really brought tears to my eyes to see these beautiful babies being worn and loved.  I am already gearing up to organize another drive, possibly in Haiti.

Through all the bad I am going through, this has been such a blessing to me.  I want to help people, not just those affected by cancer but those who are in need.  When you are affected by something, in my case it’s cancer I want to help.  I have been bitten by the bug of helping.  I want to give to those who are less fortunate.  Whether it is for babies or those who cannot receive the top health care that I am receiving, I am going to give back.  If you would like to help and join me I would love it.  Stay tuned for what is next.

Thank you to everyone who helped gather baby carriers the first time around.  You are a blessing to me and those you helped!

xo,

Jessie

Well this has been a whirlwind of a few days, there are good reasons that I’ve been dead silent.  First of all, I have been crabby and didn’t feel like writing.  Secondly, I woke up yesterday to HIVES!!!  Just what I needed now, right?

I had hives a few years ago due to a reaction to a medication, but I didn’t take anything new so we were all confused why they decided to rear their ugly head.  I of course got very nervous, so I immediately called the oncologists office.  The doc on call told me to take Benadryl, so I did.  Nothing happened.  So I called back and she told me to take two.  Oye.  By 9:30a, I crawled back into bed.  I passed out so hard from the pills I woke up at 11:30!  Fucking hives were still there.  Anyway, long story short I was in a Benadryl coma all day yesterday.  I felt awful and groggy.

Today I woke up and they are still here but smaller.  I assume they will go away by themselves in a few days.  I swear, once I start feeling better something else comes and fucks with me.

I was actually feeling good yesterday minus the hives, and Friday I even went out for a few hours with Zack’s dad, step mom and sister.  Last night I couldn’t even make it to Mr. Chow for dinner because I felt like such shit.  It’s a good thing Zack brought me leftovers so I can still enjoy the food!

Today I feel better (slightly itchy) but good enough to get out of the house.  I felt like I was in a chemo coma again this weekend!  I have been inside my house so long for the past few weeks I have memorized tile patterns.  Otherwise my spirits are back up, taste has returned (dull but I’ll take it) and yesterday was hair washing day.  Basically it is a good recipe for a good family day. I’ll take it.

xo,

Jessie

There is so much good to celebrate today!  First of all, it is Baby Dylan’s 1st birthday!  We made it a year as parents of two!  Holy crap how did that happen?  What a beautiful gift that little boy is, wild man, but a gift.  He is already pulling his weight (literally) around here to be seen and heard to keep up with big brother.

One year old, wow how fast time flies.  It literally seems like yesterday that I was crying in my kitchen trying to figure out how to feed Asher and keep Dylan from crying during his witching hour.  Then of course that figured itself out, but my god was that a hysterically bad few weeks.  I almost feel like I haven’t had the chance to enjoy my baby because I have been immersed in doctors for the past few months.  He knows I love him and he loves me.  We are all bonded as a family and that’s what matters. But man, slow down this time!  With the second kid it really is true that it just a blur of months.  Good blur, but a blur nonetheless.

Secondly we are celebrating the freedom of my arm!  Today I got my PICC line removed!!!!!!  For the first time since May, I am foreign object free from something in my arms.  I am beyond over the moon.  I got to the infusion center this morning all excited and basically just shoved my arm in anyones face for them to see.  I just wanted it out!  Yes, I will have my last chemo through my veins and my IV will stay in for 3 days for hydration.  I don’t care.  I want arm freedom from any and all infections!  YAY!  I literally feel like celebrating or dancing.  Good thing we are celebrating Dylan tonight, because I am celebrating too!

Ahh, so excited I just want to shout from the rooftops.  If you hear me, don’t think I’m crazy, I am just celebrating my little bit of freedom!

Needless to say, today is a better day than yesterday.  Thank you to everyone who called or texted.  It always means so much to me!!

xo,

Jessie

I just had a dose of reality slapped in my face via email.  It was bad enough staring at my bald face after HAIR WASHING DAY this morning, and then this shit.  Are you curious now?

I got my pre op instructions from my breast surgeon.  To say I freaked the fuck out was an understatement.  I am already having a bad enough morning using Zack as my mental punching bag, and being ridiculously done with parenting- then this.  My heart is still racing a mile a minute.

Do you know what really scared me?  Not the fact that I will be having a MASSIVE surgery on September 28, but that the map showed me in one building for surgery and another for recovery.  These buildings are across the campus of Cedars.  That place is big.  Am I going to be unconscious for my first ambulance ride?  How does this happen?  I am serious too.  I wanna know.

All semi kidding aside, it makes this real.  It makes this really real.  I have cancer if you forgot or are living under a rock.  I wish I could join you under your rock of denial or cluelessness.  I cannot.  I am living with cancer and this week is really hard for me.  I don’t like this week, I don’t like much right now.  You know me, I am raw and real.  This fucking blows.  The amount of FUCKS I can say will never make this better.  Even if it does make me feel better for a few seconds.  Then I feel like shit again.

Nothing lately makes me feel better, even shopping!  I can’t even find shit to buy!  I spend time with my kids, they are my life you know.  But with cancer your patience is VERRRRYYYYY thin, especially when said 4-year-old is on an extra long break from school.  Thanks TBH.  To say I am in a funk is putting it mildly.  I wish I could get out of it, but I am allowed.  I hate these days when I make family the enemy.

Sorry for the raw, pathetic and sad post.  It’s just how I feel.  At least I spared you my selfie with the bald spots on my eyebrows.  Talk about real.

xo,

Jessie

 

Oh hello makeup drawer, it’s so nice to see you again! I woke up this morning, actually just GOT up this morning feeling ok.  I didn’t really sleep due to the previous nights shenanigans- understandable right?  I was way too terrified to take any pills before bed, fearing I would again wind up on the floor.  I was feeling so blah this morning, that I decided I needed to “put my face on” so they say.

It has been over a week since I have “done myself up” and I just needed it.  For me, for the kids and Zack, for the new nanny!  She started today, more on that later.  Anyway, I felt somewhat normal that I took the kids to meet my mom and Grandma for lunch.  I have absolutely NO taste right now, so I ordered the absofuckinglutely spicest pasta known to man.  I am still tasting it!  Progress! It was good to get out of the house, but now I am resting up until our play date comes over.

I said it before, but this has been the strangest chemo recovery ever.  I don’t know if I am seriously lucky, but I haven’t had to take a pill since Sunday for my nausea.  My mom said she saw them give me the drugs, but I really don’t believe it.  I am not complaining!

Anyway, Isabel started today and Asher has taken to her like a moth to a flame.  He has been following her around showing her everything, and it is rather cute.  It doesn’t hurt that she gave him watermelon and drives a RED car (he loves anything red)!  Lets hope the love affair keeps up.  I think i’m having a harder time than the kids!!

Hope you’re having a wonderful day, I am schvitzing.

xo,

Jessie

Wait till you hear this one.  So I tried to get a good night sleep last night like I did the night before, but that didn’t happen.  It is very normal to have side effects creep up in the middle of the night and keep you awake.  Genius me, I tried to make sure that didn’t happen.

Lets just say, that by 12:30am I found myself on the bathroom floor with no fucking idea how I got there.  I was convinced that I was in my bed, but couldn’t understand why I was so cold and the bed was hard.  Yea, idiot I was on the tile!  The whole thing must have lasted a minute, but I was convinced I was lost in Beetlejuice land of a sandworm or something.  Maybe I learned my lesson than to take too much medication before bed.  Whoopsie.

Otherwise, this chemo coma isn’t as bad as the others.  I have really had minimal nausea this time around which is totally tripping me out.  I have only had to take one Zofran and nothing else.  Constantine came this morning to give me my final hydration of this round.  Boy I will miss him and his starched Dockers for a few weeks.

To say everything is status quo is about right, my taste is gone and the anxiety is heightened from not being able to eat.  I am on the up and up!  I feel decent, so I might even venture with my mom and Asher to his swim class today.  It is the hottest day of the year I hear, so why not?

Today is our nanny’s last day, and I am in denial.  I haven’t acknowledged it because I am so sad.  I will miss her terribly.  Maybe she will come back one day, who knows!

On to the housewives from last night…

xo,

Jessie

I really have no idea what day it is to be honest.  I have been in a haze of recovery, and I ain’t complaining.  The kids went to my parents yesterday and had a blast.  They covered the Long Beach Aquarium like pros and everyone left with a prize and an ice cream cone.  Sad I missed out on that.  Asher’s swirly cone looked epic.

I slept the majority of the day away, even missing Zack’s delivery of a 12 ft. Ficus tree to block the neighbors view of our yard.  Yea, we are dicks like that.  I fell asleep yesterday after dozing all day at 5:45p and woke up again at 10:30p, that was interesting.  I managed to pass back out and woke up at 6:30a.  Thank you to my friends Ativan, pot and Reglan.  Keep up the good work folks.

Now I sit with my hydration going in my arm and Constantine sitting by my side.  It is quite awkward, but I am so used to it that it doesn’t bother me anymore.  The things you learn to get used to with cancer, strange Ukrainian men sitting next to you and watching television.  Hmm..

I just played the most epic game of “Would you rather” with my friend, we both decided that being 10 months pregnant with constant pelvic pressure is way better than day 3 of a chemo coma.  Also, a 24 hour stomach flu is better as well.  So if you were curious, there you have it.

So now I sit and relax and wait for this phase to be over, hopefully I get some energy back later today.  Usually by Sunday evening I am feeling slightly better.  Heres to hoping!

Have a great Sunday, put your hair up and go swimming!

xo,
Jessie