I survived day one and had my hydration this morning.  I was back on the right side of the infusion center, I felt much more at ease there today!  I hate change, what can I say.  My dad took me this morning, it was a nice little bonding.  Then I passed out and he went to get breakfast.

We made progress by convincing and having everyone agree to let me take the PICC out next week after I go for a bandage swap.  Thursday should end the time that any wire, needle or foreign object is in my body- until my surgery that is.  I will take it.  So I will have my last and FINAL infusion by IV!  They will then give me a new IV for my hydration the following day and keep that needle in until I finish my final hydration that Monday the 5th.  YAY!

The kids are off to my parents tomorrow, I am so looking forward to some quiet and recovering in some peace.  Hopefully I just sleep until sunday and then feel better by Monday.  Poor Dylan has a cold, I hope that he wakes up feeling better tomorrow.  If not, maybe I will pack some Ativan for my parents too!  The big question is who they will send for hydration.  Will it be Constantine, Beanna, Laura or someone new?  Who ever it is, they better scrub the shit out of their hands.  I am NOT getting another infection.  Fuck that.

Hopefully you have a lovely and relaxing weekend, do something fun and hug those you love.  The cornbread is in the oven.

xo,

Jessie

Today, August 11, marks my 5th chemo treatment.  What a milestone to reach, although I will be so much happier in 3 weeks when I finish my 6th and final! I will continue Herceptin for a year, but that is easy and can be done in an hour with no cold cap treatment.

It was a good day, Christy and Amy came to visit me along with Zack, my Dad and Sister.  Of course mom was there too.  I don’t remember every convo that I had, but I know that were there.

I say it was a good day, but in reality I had a mild panic attack who we got there.  They placed me on the East side today, meaning I was totally out of my element and my OCD/superstition kicked in.  I have sat in the same spot for the first 4 treatments and now I was thrown for a loop. I am now thoroughly convinced that I will be sick for the entire week and not be able to move.  I am slightly insane, but this we know.

The PICC line was ok, but I am working hard to get it out next week.  I would love nothing more than to do my last chemo through my veins and not a line.  Dylan has already tried to grab it through my bandage, which freaks me out.  We will see next week when I go for a bandage change.  Say your prayers now.  Hi Paige.

Lastly, I took video of my cold cap placement. I know I have shown you pictures, but Christy was my videographer today and recorded Gavin doing cap #4 this morning.  We actually did a total of 15 today, it was a long start.  Enjoy the video, think freezing thoughts for me while you watch!

21 days people, 21 days!

xo,

Jessie

That is how I feel today, along with being emotionally drained.  I had my PICC line placed today, and that was not fun.  It didn’t hurt, but it was a little more work than I was told.

When I made the appointment last week, the nurse told me that it would take 5 minutes.  Ok maybe the actual placement takes 5 minutes, but the entire procedure is about 45 minutes.  So of course I was late to get Asher, who was sitting next to the door waiting for me when I got there.  Insert sad music.

Anyway, I am depressed today for so many reasons.  Mainly because I go in for my 5th chemo tomorrow, and now that I can’t shower normally for another month or so.  Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get a break for a few days before my surgery, where I can wash my hair normally and not have Glad Press N Seal over my arm.  A gal can dream, right?

So now I have tubing hanging out of my arm, and I am terrified that if I move weird or a kid grabs it, that it will fall out.  Oh, the nurses warned me this could happen.  Their advice was to not push it back in, DUH.  I have cancer but I am not stupid.  It’s like I am starting a new gang with a constant bandage on my arm, I’m so cool.  I’ll call myself the Bandageitos.

I have a confirmed surgery date of September 28th at 6am.  We are on the books with my surgeons, so relieved and scared.  The good thing is that I know it will suck for a few weeks, but then I know it will be better from there.  It is a strange way of thinking but it is what gets me through.  They wanted to do my pre-op on the 21st, but I said no. Why?  Because I am DETERMINED to take Asher to Disneyland for his birthday!

Lastly, I just tried to drop off all of the baby carriers to send to South Africa.  Of course there was a hiccup there.  The store that I went to was a UPS only store, and I need a Fed-Ex.  I didn’t have time to go to a different place, so another week of waiting to send.  Why would anything go right today?

Hope your day is better than mine!

xo,
Jessie

 

That is my life lately.  Doctors at least twice a week.  I get lucky this week and get to go to doctor’s offices not once or twice, but FOUR times!  Today I went to my plastic surgeon (more on that later), Wednesday I get to go get my PICC line, Thursday is chemo #5 and Friday is hydration.  Admit you’re a bit jealous.

Today was a good meeting with my doctor though, I was very anxious to see him and felt much better afterwards.  I can’t say that I am excited, but I am ever so slightly excited in a twisted way.  I am not sure if it is the new boobs, a vacation from my life, or a guarantee that cancer will be out of my body.  I think it is an honest mix of all three.  I am always honest, right?

My mastectomy and reconstruction are scheduled for September 30th right now, assuming that my white counts go back to normal after my 6th and final chemo.  Up until now, all of my counts have been great with no problems.  Let’s all hope that everything stays the same for the rest of my treatments.

The timeline is pretty straightforward assuming that I don’t need radiation.  What is totally fucked up, is that we won’t know for certain if I need radiation until after the final pathology comes back 3-5 days after surgery.  Lets all say a huge prayer now and nightly until surgery so I don’t need radiation.  Not only will it just suck and delay everything, but I will have a red hardened boob for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to pay X amount of dollars for imperfection and this shit ain’t cheap.  Again, honesty.  On the other hand, I just want to live so there’s that too.

Radiation totally fucks up my timeline, and I will tell you why.  First surgery is the end of September.  The second surgery (permanent implant) would go in 4-6 weeks later.  Well if I need radiation, I can’t have that for 6-8 weeks post surgery, and that lasts about 5 weeks.  With radiation, everything swells and gets red so that would need to go down before the implant goes in.  Annoying, and that would be about 6 months later!!!  Ugh, again I choose life over vanity but still wanna look good!

All in all it was a great meeting, and I will be shitting my pants about going in for surgery.  It is the boob job I always wanted but was too scared to get.  There, I said it.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting.  Along with doomsday prep, the new nanny is coming to work with Marlyn and meet the kids.  But better than that, is that I get to go to TARGET!  ALONE!!!  Wish me luck…

xo,

Jessie

Well the weekend is done and I am fucking exhausted.  We had a blast!  Friday night we had a great dinner at Odys & Penelope, I can’t stop talking about it because it was THAT good.  It is unusual to go to a restaurant and like every single thing that was ordered, but we did!  It was awesome to sit with Court and just chat while sitting next to each other.  I can’t complain!

We loved our visit so much and it was so wonderful to see her with Asher after so long, and to squeeze Dylan in the flesh! Ahh, so much time and distance, I can’t wait until I can travel and go visit her soon!

Otherwise our weekend was great, and we enjoyed it as much as we can before next weekend comes.  I can’t believe that in a week I will be coming out of my 5th chemo coma.  Just two more, yet it feels like so many more to deal with.  There are just 25 days left until #6, but for some reason it feels like an eternity.  I guess it just the way it works, right?

I noticed a funny thing keeps happening, and don’t think of me as being conceited by saying this.  People keep saying to me that I look wonderful lately.  It is really odd to me, because I think that I look like shit.  Are people just being kind or do they really think that?  I took a look at myself today and said, hey I don’t look half bad for a chick with cancer.  I am so not the type to think I am GORGEOUS ever, but today I think I looked pretty.  It was a nice little boost for my ego because I have been feeling so ugly.  I keep saying, maybe its the 10 pounds I have lost- the best diet you never want to be on right?  Anyway, my skin is clear for the time being and I am dealing with my eyebrows.  I have learned to pencil them quite nicely.  You work with what you have, right?

As the weekend ends, and a new chemo week begins I take it (life) as it is. We batten down the hatches and brace for the storm.  Guess it is time to buy more Vitamin Water and cornbread.

xo,
Jessie

OMG, I hugged my bestie for the first time in almost 2.5 years!  I cannot even begin to tell you the tears that came when I opened my front door at 11am this morning.  Courtney flew across the country to see me, and I am speechless.  We haven’t seen each other since April 2014 when she moved back home.

I swear that I didn’t want to let her go the minute that she walked in the door!  You never realize how much a person means to you until they move away or are gone.  Courtney is my person who I love like a sister and is always there.  There are no words and you know that I always have something to say!

Sadly I had to cut our morning visit short, because I had to go back to the doctor to check on my port wound.  I could only get into the doc at 1:30 today, and had to take it before the weekend.  I knew I would be a nervous wreck thinking something was wrong and end up in the ER.  Thankfully all is good and I am healing nicely.  The shitty part is that because of the chemo, everything takes 10x longer to heal.  A stupid hang nail takes 2 weeks as opposed to 3 days.  It is really fucking annoying.

I go BACK to the doctor on Monday, but to see my reconstruction doctor.  I am kinda excited to see him, this is my final appointment before pre-op in a few months.  No, I am not choosing DDD’s.  We have a lot of questions, and I am starting to get nervous about recovery, but it is what it is.

On that note, I am going out to dinner- an ADULT dinner- for the first time in a hell of a long time.  Can’t wait to catch up more with my bestie, what a great weekend!!!

xo,

Jessie

Sorry for not writing yesterday, I just had a busy day!  First I had breakfast with my cancer buddy, then Zack finally got home from his business trip, and then I had a dinner with 10 of my high school and college friends!  Talk about a busy social calendar for a day.  That is more activity than I have had in months.  I’m exhausted.

It was so good to have my catchup with Marissa.  She is my savior and guiding light throughout this Breast Cancer journey.  I have said it before and will say it again, I couldn’t get through this without her.  It sucks we met (again) this way, but it was meant to be I suppose! Anyway, we talked about everything as usual and it was fabulous.  And Joan’s makes a kick ass breakfast sandwich if you are curious.

I didn’t write about Zack being on a business trip, but man was it hard to take care of two kids (even with a nanny) for three days!  These munchkins certainly have a lot of energy, especially at bedtime.  But they were really good while daddy was gone so I cannot complain!  It was so great to have the family back together!

Last night dinner was great, we do these reunion dinners every few years and it is so nice to catch up.  I have known some of these girls since I was 12 years old! Everyone knows what is going on obviously, but to talk about it was nice and answer any questions people had.  The girls asked when they should get a mammogram, and the answer is NOW!  Remember, my lump wasn’t detected in a breast exam back in January.  Even if it isn’t covered by insurance be your own health advocate and get checked out!  Anyway, it was great to reminisce about high school shenanigans and laugh, it really is the best medicine.

Today I am having lunch with my soul sister from another mister.  I have never met anyone aside from my sister who likes the same ridiculous movies as me.  I’m talking Maid to Order, Beetlejuice and Overboard.  She is fucking awesome and super swisty like me.  And she likes Tender Greens.  Love this bitch.

Hope you have a great Thursday, countdown to chemo #5 next week.  But first I have a huge weekend with my bestie coming to town!!!!

xo,

Jessie

 

Well sometimes I do get lucky. I went for the chest port consult today, and after I told her what has been going on, she said absolutely no port!  I went through the whole story of how the port incision never healed and I went on antibiotics, and then it got hot and infected again last week.  After hearing that it was removed, that was all she needed to hear.  She said that because I only have two more infusions, a PICC line would be just fine.

She looked into the Cedars system- pretty cool that all of my doctors are connected and can see my entire history and appointments on any computer- and saw the results from the port cultures.  Turns out that I had a pretty gnarly infection with some rare bacteria.  Only me right?  There would be no way that I could even have had a procedure like this because you are risking even more infection by putting another foreign object inside your body.  Bacteria LOVE foreign objects and just flock to it. BTW, infections are common with ports.  They are accessed so often that they are at risk for infection, so it isn’t entirely uncommon.

While talking with us, my surgeon who I just love came in also.  She also agreed to no port. Love when they all agree with me. So a PICC line it is, and that can stay in for up to 3 months.  It is risky for infection also, but I just have to be extra cautious and tell all nurses to wash their hands very well and use purell.  I am so close to the finish, I don’t need a third infection to take me down!

I go in next Wednesday to get it, the day before #5.  To say that I am relieved is a total understatement.  I feel awesome that I finally got something right and can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  After next week I will have 3 weeks left, surreal to say the least.

Lastly, I found a nanny so that can be crossed off too!  Ahh, things are finally coming together.  It is such a change to have so much good in such a short time!  I could get used to this.

xo,
Jessie

Battles that is.  I fought to not have a chest port, but I have lost my battle. Once I hear that the good doctor said it is a go, there is not much more I can do.  Especially when said good doctor is out of town and I can’t talk to her.

So shit, tomorrow I have to go to the Breast Center (yes it really is called some jewish name Breast Center) and have a CONSULTATION before they schedule.  I guess no one gives a good goddamn that I have chemo next week and need a scheduled surgery date for this damn port.  Where is the damn damn tour???  No seriously, some nasty old broad over at the office of the doctor called me this morning to schedule, and she and I did not gel.  That is putting it nicely.  I basically told her she needed to be nice to people with cancer because we are sensitive.  Her response?  I am, I had cancer when I was 40.  Guess what bitch, I win because I am 35!  Suck it!

Ok sorry, I got excited.  Tomorrow we go and discuss the procedure. I get to be put out and lord knows what else goes on.  I guess they is why they want me to come tomorrow.  I hope to be scheduled by Thursday because we have a big weekend coming up.

I had my bandage changed today at the outpatient procedure center, while waiting I heard them talk about two patients that died after visiting.  Um, talk quieter?  Anyway, they said I have to keep this bandage on for another 8 days.  I swear at this point I will never shower without some form of plastic covering me.  Between this arm bandage and whatever I will get from my chest port, I might as well be covered in garbage bags.  It is so messed up.  Remember, I can’t even wash my hair right!  I am so over it- but I can’t be.  UGH.

OK enough of my bitching, today has been long enough and I am tired.  More crap TV on for me tonight, yay!

xo,

Jessie

Guess what!  One month from tomorrow, August 1st, I will have my last fucking chemotherapy!  I have had a calendar that I told you about in my medicine cabinet and I tick those dates off like a motherfucker every night (enough fucks for you?).  It has become my nightly routine to stare at the calendar and cross of the day.  I have this weird thrill as soon as it is over.

This isn’t to say that the cancer party stops September 1st though.  I will still have to endure 2 weeks of side effects and recovery, but I will be thismuchcloser to washing my hair normally and surgery.  I better be OK to celebrate Asher’s birthday at Disneyland!

Surgery, ahh you nasty little bitch you.  It has finally hit me.  Cancer and surgery.  What a twisted little world I have been living in.  Maybe it’s not a world but an alternate universe.  Yes, that is it!  I have been living on the 1/2 floor in John Malkovich’s brain (movie reference people).  There is no up and there is no down, there is just stuck.  Stuck going through the motions without breathing it in.  So that means surgery is real and all of this is real too.  Even the cancer.  Wow.

Are you sick of hearing about me having cancer yet?  I am.  Zack is.  We are so over it.  The problem is that you can’t be over it when you are IN it. I have this habit of not finishing things that I start.  I know, bad quality good thing I’m taken.  Anyway, the point is that I will finish what I started.  I will finish my treatment.  I will make sure to get all 6 of these terrible chemo’s in, whether it’s in a port or my veins.  I will go through with my surgery (really no choice here) and radiation if needed.  I might even stay at Cedars a few extra nights as a vacation.  Semi serious on that one.

I know this is a rambling post, but I just feel like getting my thoughts out there.  That is why I have this blog, I know YOU like it, but it is really for me.  It is a diary that I am keeping and hope one day to look back and say “Damn, I was a strong woman.”  I hope that I am never in a situation again where I am challenged this way, but at least I know I can do it and get through whatever comes my way.  Except a triathlon.  Although you never know.

That is all for now.  Hope you’re all having a nice weekend.  I am feeling good minus a numbish tongue!

xo,

Jessie