Month: May 2016

I hope that you sung the title of this blog to the tune of Ice Cube's song.  No there was no need for an AK, but I gotta say it was a good day.

This was a great weekend, probably one of the best in a really long time even before the cancer.  It was just GOOD.  The weather was great although I could have used a few more degrees of warmth. Since I can't be in the sun, fuck it.  We just really enjoyed our house, the backyard and the holiday.  Oh, and I had coffee for the first time in 15 days!  I couldn't taste it but it was fab.

As previously mentioned, we were invited to a BBQ this weekend and we graciously attended.  I of course had to be the typical asshole and ask if it was a cancer invite.  Being that these people were awesome, of course they said “DUH.”  My kind of demented folks.  It was really nice to be around people and just BE.  There was no focus on me, the cancer, my boobs, or how I discovered my lump bullshit.  It was about the company, the great food, the kids and more importantly new friendships.  I left last night feeling such gratitude that we have met such amazing people since having children and even more so since joining Asher's school.  We lucked out in that department!  I found people who are as demented as we are!

Today is Memorial Day, and we had my parents and sister over for an early BBQ (Auntie came with gifts for Asher, don't worry).  Asher wanted daddy to make ribs and just can't get behind my dad not eating them, it's hilarious (it's a kosher thing).  The kids played in the little pool splashing like animals, and then Dylan napped for 2 hours.  It doesn't really get better than that, but it did.  It was just nice to be around family and enjoy being outside for the entire day.  I guess it took having cancer to realize that every day is a blessing, and to enjoy the next 10 days before I feel like absolute shit for another 9.  It's a lovely little cycle I signed up for right?

The evening ended with a major dance party DJ'd by Zack and danced to by Asher.  He has always been our little dancer, and tonight was no exception.  It is moments like this that just make every moment count and memorable.  Yes, we got video that will play at his Bar Mitzvah.

Here's to another week, make it count!

xo,
Jessie

I feel like ME!  I woke up after an 8 hour nights rest, feeling like Jessie.  Wow, it was a welcome surprise. I feel refreshed and ready to take on Sunday.  I mean it's Sunday, not like I am going to battle or anything.

I spell it that way because I am kind of in a daze.  I almost feel back to myself but not quite there yet. It's like when you wake up from an awesome dream but aren't quite awake yet and don't want to surface.  Except this ain't no dream honey.

Current Saturday status is this: Asher is building a LEGO restaurant and having a “bearday party” as he calls it.  That's his word for Birthday.  Zack and Dylan are out doing an errand which results in getting us bagels.  See, when you have cancer you can eat carbs.  Again, silver lining folks.

I tell you about my plans for the day because it fills me with so much pride to see my big boy developing and turning into a full blown human right before my eyes.  He might only be 3.5 years old (don't you dare say he will be 4, the world ends), but in my eyes he's growing by the minute, and I want to slow time down.  Or stop it.  But I cannot stop time, I am not Evie from “Out of this World.” Sidenote- how amazing was that show?  Her dad lived in a glass pyramid!

In a swisty (remember sick and twisty my word) way, I am very thankful that the cancer was found when it was, when my children were as small as they are.  Yes there will be a few things here and there that I will miss out on, but it's not the big stuff in life.  I will be at their graduations, even from nursery school and then college!  I will be at most soccer classes, I will watch Dylan learn to walk.  I will be able to be at these things, just some days I might not be fully there.

So while I will “be” here and “see” things, it makes me feel so much better that THEY won't realize what was going on.  In a few years time, when I am healed and look like a 21 year old pinup, time will have moved on and we will too.  I'll be back on the PTA, back on the soccer field- probably wishing I was someplace else haha.

The point is that I am living in the now, enjoying the messes that Asher makes with his LEGOS, enjoying feeding Dylan his bottles and an all you can eat buffet for his meals, and just watching them interact like brothers.  There is nothing more heartwarming for me, than to watch these two beautiful souls that we created form a bond of brotherhood.   So even if I am on the sidelines for a week at a time over the next few months, I know that they will be OK.  And so will I.

Have a great holiday weekend.

xo,
Jessie

It's a funny thing when you reveal that you have cancer.  Not that the cancer is funny schmuck, but the things that happen.  I have told you how thankful I am for all of the well wishes that you have sent to me and I really am.  I am so grateful for that, please don't get me wrong and don't you dare stop them from coming!

What is funny though, are the people who you hear from.  And the people you don't.  I don't expect to hear from everyone I know, because that would ask a lot and make me super selfish.  But it does make you think about who your true friends are.  There were a few surprises there I will be honest, but I got bigger cancer to kill than stress this.

To make you laugh, a couple of weeks ago my all important Instagram feed started to get fewer likes. I was like, huh are my kids ugly now? And then you put up a pic after announcing cancer and BAM- back to a lot of likes.  I tried to explain to my mom, she doesn't get it.  I was like mom!  It's cancer likes!  Do they like my pic because of the “news?” Nah, probably bc I am in the forefront of your mind and yea my kid is cute. Now you have to like all my pics, suckers.

Back to the friends, it is times like these who you really realize who's got your back- or boobs.  From childhood, college, and now mommy friends I can say I am BLESSED.  These women are just as bad ass as me and won't leave me alone in a good way! I've got offers to drive Asher to school, take my kids from me (might not want them back), food showing up at my door!  Geez, you all make a girl feel special.

I was ultimately touched hearing from a few college friends who sent over food.  We haven't been in touch in years except stalking Facebook.  To hear from them just made my day, the pizza wasn't bad either! But yes, some people just don't know how to handle information like this or don't want to crowd.  I am sure some are just plain selfish or assholes.  That's ok too.  I am not the center of the world, I am not god.  I am just blessed and fortunate to have a few good friends who are there for me.  And I love them so much.

Food update, I ate oatmeal this morning!  It was disgusting but I ate it.

xo,
Jessie

Today wasn't good, today wasn't bad.  It was just a day.  I'll take it.  I had to go to my oncologist for a week check in.  My oncologist, how prestigious does that sound?  No just sounds weird to me!

I had a 10:30 appointment with Paige, the amazing Nurse Practitioner over at Tower.  Apparently I am very lucky that I get to work with her, and I admit she's amazing!!! We will be besties by the time this is over.  Hi Paige!

The point of today was just to see how I was doing 1 week post treatment.  I can't believe it has been 7 days already! Every day is a little better, thank god.  The good news is that I am textbook in my reactions, the bad news is well…you know.  Cancer.  But seriously, they were very happy how I took to treatment and should expect the same effects for the next 5 rounds.  That makes it less stressful to know exactly how I will feel.

Apparently there are A LOT of side effects from chemo that one would never expect.  Like my tongue feeling like I burnt it on hot coffee.  I haven't had coffee in a week.  I miss coffee.  I can drink it, but so don't want to.  I have zits, I can't sleep, the list goes on.  The worst is that I can't really eat.  For those of you that really know me, you know that food is basically my life aside from my family.  If push came to shove, I might save a sandwich before my dog.  This eating thing is freaking me out!  I can't eat!  I want food!  Food is so revolting to me that I seriously get anxious about it.  I mean I get anxious about food without cancer, so imagine what a big deal this is to me!!!

If you have been pregnant, the only way to explain is that first few months when you look at food and want to throw up.  Kinda like when you look at your husband during labor and saying fuck you for doing this to me.  Same feeling.  I am so mad at food!  Guess what I was able to eat today, French Fries.  Of course, right? So that's my new fight, with food.  I want greasy food, no can do because lord knows what will happen.  So here I am stuck in the land of cheese and carbs.  I should be French.

Don't be too worried about me, I will eat, I will overcome.  I always do.  This might be a bigger struggle, but I got this.  Ugh, nothing sounds good!

OK, perhaps its a mac and cheese night.  Now that sounds good!

xo,
Jessie

This morning I am feeling a bit sad.  I am entitled to that, I have cancer.  It has only been a mere 3.5 weeks since the shit hit the fan really.  In all honesty, I haven't even processed what is going on.  I have been on overdrive going from one appointment to the next, scans here, scans there and then chemo.  I haven't had it all settle. I haven't really wanted to.  Because that makes it real.  I don't want it to be real.  I want this to be a bad dream and I will wake up and say, PHEW JUST A DREAM.  It's not a dream.  It's my reality, albeit temporary, it's hard to see that.  

I think I'm demented.  Along with the cancer I am certifiably insane.  But this we knew already, yes? I say I am demented because who makes a song into a title for a blog….about a PORT?

Back to the point.  Today I got my port put into my arm.  Yea, they don't tell you that it will hurt like a motherfucker after the lidocaine wears off.  Im talking little bees stinging my incision, over and over again.  The reason for the port in my arm is simple- they don't want these toxic chemicals killing my veins every single time I get an infusion.  That means that for the next 5 chemo and the remaining herceptin, I will have a lovely little port that they can literally prick and inject me.  Cool huh?  No.  Not cool because I still have fucking cancer.  Breast Cancer.  CANCER.  FUCK YOU CANCER.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Excuse me while I have a pity party…. WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME?  I WAS THE GOODY TWO SHOES (KINDA), I NEVER DID DRUGS (LOOKING BACK, SHOULD HAVE), I NEVER EVEN LIKED DRINKING (UNTIL I MET THE LAHAINA LEMONADE AT THE FOUR SEASONS MAUI)! I DIDN'T STAY OUT TOO LATE, I NEVER LIED TO MY PARENTS…. OK so now I'm lying but you get the point.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  I am a good person!  Fuck cancer.  That's all I have to say.

Ok back to my port.  So its there in my right arm, not in my chest as they would normally do a port.  I'll spare the details, but it has to do with where the cancer is, the surgery blah blah.  Doesn't matter except that its PURPLE!  Yep, being I have the cancer of the color I hate (pink), its so nice to have something purple (again twisted).  So along with my port, I get a fancy new card in the chance I beep going through a metal detector.  Because you know, I plan on galavanting to the Greek Islands and St. Tropez this summer.  I am SO glad that I schlepped the kids through LAX to get our global entry.  Thanks cancer, now I can't go to New York! Fucker.

Again I find myself blabbering, but I like you and you're here so you're basically forced to listen to me.  Should I go on and on about the HELL that is Cedars Sinai and its parking?  Did the spawn of the devil create that campus and make you want to lose your mind while trying to find P4 for the South Tower?  Assholes I tell you, assholes.

Enough for now, thanks for reading.  Again I want to thank you for your kind words, not about the cancer but about my writing!  You know how to make a girl feel gooooood.

xo,
Jessie

All I can think of when I think about chemotherapy, is Susan Sarandon in “Stepmom.” Remember the scene when she tried to carry the laundry up the stairs and fell from exhaustion? For some reason that scene kept playing in my head when I found out I needed to have chemo.  Apparently I have gotten lucky because I haven't passed out or even thrown up from my medication.  Insert my praise for Zofran!  But the fatigue is another ball game.  I like my naps, but constant naps are even too much for this chickadee.

It is only 3:20p and I have already napped more than Dylan.  Winning.

I don't think I have told you about my medicines yet.  I am on a very common regime for Breast Cancer.  Honestly, it fucking sucks that there are so many people out there that need to be treated for this stupid fucked up cancer.  But here we go, I feel like being intellectual today with y'all.

As I mentioned, over the next 18 weeks I get 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  Funny enough (OK not funny at all), I will continue with one medication for another 8 months.  My cocktail is called TCHP. Lets break it down…

Taxotere
Carboplatin
Herceptin
Perjeta 

Knock your socks off and google them, I am too tired to write about it.

I have started and stopped this blog too many times today.  I am going to say bye for now because I am just too tired to continue and I have nothing else to say- could I be more blunt.  In all honestly, a cute little monkey named Asher climbed into my bed to tell me that it will be “OK MOMMY.” With that I think I'll just watch “Bob the Builder” and snuggle.  Perfection for a minute…

xo,
Jessie

So the news is out, YAY! What a relief for me that I don't have to keep this secret anymore.  On the other hand, maybe it was a better secret to be kept.  I have thanked you all for your outpouring of support and love, but now I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed and sad by this reaction.  Sad because I realize that this is my new normal for a while.  Just for a while, this isn't going to be me for the rest of my life.  I can't let it. Again, I don't have time for this shit.

I went to bed last night with a full heart and was overly emotional.  Messages kept pouring through my phone, computer and carrier pigeons.  I heard from people near and far, old and new friends it was incredible.  On top of my body being pumped full of toxins (FDA approved, duh), I am also being pumped full of emotions.  It wasn't really until last night after the kids were asleep, and we had a minute to come down that I realized I have been living in overdrive for the past few weeks.

If you look at the calendar, this all happened over a 3 week span.  I found the lump, went for scans, went to docs and shit found myself in a chemo chair.  I haven't let myself breathe and really absorb what's to come.  I really don't think I wanted to or had the wherewithal.

I never realized that I was a person always on the go.  Many people think that I am a lazy sloth, but in reality I have a lot to do and keep going.  Whether it's my kids, husband, dog, house, whatever.  I am always doing SOMETHING.  That's where my realization kicked in.  I can't keep GOING without coming down.  If  I constantly live UP, then there is going to be the inevitable FALL.  That's where last night came in and I kinda had a breakdown.  I think its rightfully deserved, yes?

The point of this post is to let you know that I am a fucking WARRIOR but I am also HUMAN.  I am going to have great days and I am going to have bad days.  So far I am feeling super fortunate to not have the effects of chemo that one might expect.  I don't have my head in a toilet or screaming out in pain.  Lets just hope that the rest of the treatments stay this way as well, because I could use a little break.

xo,
Jessie

So, the proverbial cat is out of the bag, and now y'all know I have cancer.  Thank you from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes for your love and well wishes.  I don't want any form of a pity party, but cupcakes are always welcome (don't tell my ass that though).