Month: June 2016

Well well well, lookie who if finished their 3rd chemo today?   This bitch did! I’m still sitting here with my cold caps on while waiting for the last four hours of cap to freeze my follicles.

It’s been overall a good day here and gone by rather fast. I’ve dozed on and off and had a SLEW of visitors today which made me smile! My crazy Frank’s came and surprised me with a major hat party! They were all jealous of my cute frozen head, so they wanted in! Love those girls.

And btw, Rod fucked up! When we got here I was told they weren’t cold enough! Fucking Rod.  Don’t worry, Gavin ordered extra ice and saved the day. My head is a frozen block of ice but my hair will look good in two months.  I think it’s actually getting thicker.  We also froze my eyebrows during my taxotere therapy today, we will see if we can save me from that awful 90’s look.

I’m halfway done people, HALFWAY! I can’t believe it but I will get through it. Crazy that in two months I’ll be done with this part of my life. Surreal to say the least.

Before we go, I have a bag of Doritos with my name on them….

xo,

Jessie

Tomorrow is the day, infusion #3. I am nervous, and I don’t really know why.  I know exactly what to expect and when it will all happen.  I am more dreading the next 5 days of feeling like absolute shit.  On the positive side, Constantine will be visiting me next week.  Hands off ladies!

I am spending my last “free” day for a week or so just enjoying myself and taking Asher to the arcave (arcade) and bowling today.  I also got a manicure, a nice dark color because I felt slightly depressed.  For dinner we are going to Benihana, or as Asher calls it “cook on table.”  We should all smell lovely tonight.

I don’t want to go tomorrow! Don’t make me!  The tumors are shrinking, the doctor said so!  But I have to go, so I will put on my armor and go.  I would wear my awesome new WARRIOR sweatshirt tomorrow, but I don’t want to cut a hole in the arm where my port is.  It’s too cute to destroy!  I am also throwing away anything that I ever wore to chemo to rid the memories, so theres that.

Today I had to start my steroids again, I have to take them twice a day before and after infusion.  In case you wanted to see how many prescriptions I have right now, I took a picture.  I think I forgot a few and didn’t show you my major weed stash.  Kidding, I don’t have a stash.  Take a look.  It really isn’t that many when you think about it and I don’t have to take them all every day.

 

So I will enjoy my last day of freedom for a while, hoping and praying tomorrow goes smoothly and easy.  I really do hope fucking Rod put my caps in the freezer, I didn’t call him.  He better not fuck up, because my hair is doing so well and I swear it is thicker than ever.  The eyebrows, well perhaps I should have kept them on the bushier trend this year.  Poor things are thinning and I look like a chick stuck in the 90’s.  Hello eyebrow pencils, ugh.

Ok, he is calling me to go bowling.  When a minion summons you, you don’t ignore.  Until tomorrow, when I am in the tundra of Tower.

xo,

Jessie

I saw my therapist yesterday, who reminded me that I am “sick.”  I know, that’s quite a depressing way to start this blog off.  But I am, and I keep forgetting that when I feel back to 90% like I do this week.  It is a weird thing when your mind is working fine (well that’s to be debated with me) but knowing that you are in fact sick.  Sick, I don’t really like that term.  I have a disease, no that just sounds like I have something that can’t be cured.  I think it is best to say that I have cancer and its fucked up.  There’s an f-bomb for you mom.

I bring this all up, because this morning I went and saw my breast surgeon.  No, not the one who will make them all pretty but the one who will make sure the cancer is gone.  She’s fabulous and I trust her with my life.  No, seriously my life will be in her hands.  She has to make sure she gets all my cancer out!

I needed to meet with her again between my 2nd and 3rd chemo, which is on Thursday to see my progress.  Well needless to say, I am doing fantastic according to her.  From the feel of my breast exam, she can tell that my tumors (ew) have shrunk significantly! She also examined me with the ultrasound and could literally SEE the tumors have gotten smaller.  That means that after just two rounds of chemo, my body is really responding well and I should be in a great position after my 6th infusion.  That also means that I shouldn’t need any radiation after surgery.  Even better news.

We started to discuss my surgeries, and I will definitely have my first one by the beginning of October assuming all goes well with the rest of my treatments.  So we are planning on that as a start date, with the second planned before the end of the year.  Gotta get that in before the new deductibles start in January- and I am so serious.

It was a great start to a VERY early morning.  Aside from an 8:45 appointment in West Hollywood, Dylan woke me up at 5:45. Kid learn to sleep a little later would ya?  To say I am fucking exhausted and it is only 11am is an understatement.

I think I will find a little nook and nap while I can…

xo,
Jessie

Today I am starting my day at the dermatologist office. When you have cancer, you need to be extra vigilant about your skin and all that fun stuff.  I’ve always been good about yearly exams,  but today I’m a little worried.

A few days ago I had what appeared to be a scratch, but it won’t go away.  I’m thinking its skin cancer obviously. Let’s hope not!  When I had to do my patient history, it was a little crazy. For the first time I had to check the Breast Cancer box and specify the many, many medicines that I take daily.  I threw in chemo for fun, I like to keep people on their toes.

So I’m waiting, and waiting.  Those who know Dr. Hartman know you always WAIT.  My mom told me to pull the cancer card, but I’m not that annoyed. Yet.  Finally I get into the room…and wait more.  A nurse came in to take my history which was already on the paper, why not check before coming in?  I had to tell her about the cancer.  She did the usual head cock to the side and said “Oh I am so sorry, that is sad.” I was like no pity here, I will be fine.  I HATE PITY.

When he finally comes in he does his check of my moles.  All clear and documented with a picture  What I thought was a cancer was just blood vessels at the surface. I guess being on the blood thinner is making it take extra long for it to heal.

So I am ok, yay! Still have cancer of the boobs though.  I have been running like a nut today, which is so fabulous in this 100+ heat.  Off to take Asher to swim lessons…. Super Cancer Mom, it never stops.  Now where is my cape?

xo,
Jessie

 

 

Well, the weekend is over and tomorrow is another week.  Another week of chemo.  This thursday I will go in for my 3rd chemotherapy.  My third! After thursday I will be halfway done, how fucking crazy is that?  How crazy is it still that I have Breast Cancer?  Yea, apparently it still hasn’t hit me yet either.  Perhaps it will one day…

We had a great weekend, especially the fact that the kids went to my parents for the night yesterday.  I love them and all, but a night away every few weeks is just what we need.  We totally just napped and watched tv, ok I did while Zack was outside but it was still so relaxing.  We had dinner with a few new friends, again some nuts like us which is so refreshing.  They liked our cancer jokes, that makes them friends for life!  Too bad we didn’t go to Maradentro…

Yesterday Zack stumbled upon an old blog of another Breast Cancer (now) survivor.  Funny enough, her blog was titled “Pass me a cupcake.” I guess cancer and cupcakes have a good ring to it, or we are just all fat fucks at heart with a sweet tooth.  Either way, it was so refreshing to read her blog, I felt so connected to her even though she’s 3+ years out, but she wrote like me and her attitude was like me.  She said nothing is going to get her down, laughter is the best medicine and this is annoying.  IT IS ANNOYING!

I’ve decided that having cancer is so annoying.  I’m not mad at it, I am annoyed at it.  Why choose me?  Why bother me?  I wasn’t doing anything bad to piss off my genes at this time of my life, and this is just fucking up my life plans for my 35th year.  Ugh, annoying.  So yes, it was so good to read another person is annoyed by cancer.  At least I will have good boobs…

Knowing what is coming up this week is giving me an edge, and honestly I am a little bitchy.  It is not right, but I am a little stressed.  I need to make sure that I am really prepared this weekend, with all my supplies.  It’s like going to battle, with my body.

So with that I will sign off, I have a hectic few days coming up but that’s cool with me.  I am going to watch some trashtastic tv tonight and eat some ice cream.  No excuses necessary.

xo,

Jessie

Well I feel fanfuckingtastic.  My second chemo infusion was two weeks ago, and I finally feel back to normal.  Hallelujah!  Guess what, it’s fleeting because I go back in Thursday, waaaah waaaah.  Oh well I better live it up while I can before my next Chemo Coma- that’s what I call it.

The last few days have been great, hence why I haven’t written anything.  I don’t like to bore you with daily nonsense, if I don’t feel it, I am not writing it.  I have been keeping VERY busy this week, probably too much.  I have tried to squeeze in a lot of stuff before I am out for a few weeks again.  I even got to meet Mr. T at the Mercedes dealership!  I made him say “I Pity the Fool.”

Today I had breakfast with an old friend, and I am so glad that we reconnected so many years later! When we were in school together, I always thought she was the coolest senior on campus.  I was a wee little seventh grader and she was always the kindest and sweetest person.  I can honestly say that she still is!  I am thankful that this stupid cancer brought her back into my life, if only it brought that awesome Celica back too…..

This weekend the kids are going to my parents house so Zack and I can enjoy a kid free night before D-Day.  I love them beyond words, but to have them go to my parents every few weeks for a night is better than a spa day.  Well not really but almost.  They are EXHAUSTING, cancer or not.

I do find myself snuggling up to them even more now at random times, because I know what is to come.  I also find myself holding Dylan a little longer after he falls asleep at night because it is just the most delicious thing to hold a sleeping baby in your arms.  I love that boy so much and he is growing up so damn fast! I also know that in a few months I won’t be able to hold him for a really long time, so I am getting my extra snuggles in now and filing them in my brain.

Well that is all for now, we have a nice weekend planned and I plan on enjoying it all from beginning to the end.  I hope that you have a great one too!

xo,

Jessie

It has been over 3 weeks since I have slept through the night, and last night I broke my streak.  I slept for 8 solid hours! I feel great today, and amazingly refreshed! It wasn’t even the cancer that was keeping me up, it was this stupid cold that I have that just won’t go away.  I think I finally kicked it out with a little Z-Pack last night.

Enough about me, thanks for all the kind words about yesterday’s post.  It is really crazy how the world works and brings you to places and meet people who you never thought you would.  That extends to each of you, you know who you are that mean so much to me.  Theres a special place in my heart for my Frank’s.

Germaphobia has taken over my life, meaning little Dylan doesn’t get to go to MyGym today.  Apparently ’tis the season for Hand, Foot and Mouth and that is the LAST thing the Brown’s need right now.  Instead, he will be socialized at the mall.  My mecca, he should be well-adjusted there anyway.  The doctor said I should walk around, she didn’t specify WHERE those walks should be…..

On another note, I found my spirit animal.  Her name is Calysta Bevier and she was on Americas Got Talent singing “Fight Song.” This girl is 16 years old and beat stage three Ovarian Cancer.  She is absofuckinglutely amazing and I want to be her when I grow up.  As she says, “No matter what you’ve gone through, keep chasing your dreams.” Well Said Calysta.  You are my fucking spirit animal and I wish you health and happiness for the rest of your life!  Fuck cancer!

xo,
Jessie

You know how everyone says it’s such a small world? Well it really is!  I have mentioned in the past that my oncologist “set me up” with another patient going through exactly what I am going through.  She is close to my age and they figured we would get along.  You know, two Jewish girls.  I made the first move and emailed her, and the rest is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  But there’s more.

We have been chatting, we started off on email and moved up to texting.  We have a lot to say!  It is so awesome to go through this with someone who can totally relate to you.  To have someone who you can talk about side effects, symptoms, emotions, irritations and more! We decided to meet up today, and had a great time.  Coffee for over 2 hours!  And neither of us drank coffee.  Ha.

Well we did the usual Jewish Geography, starting off with where we went to high school.  Funny, she went to Brentwood and I went to Montclair.  Then I mentioned I had a lot of friends who went to Brentwood, and she knew the first girl I said.  She went to elementary school with her.  Hmm…so did I.

It turns out that we went to elementary school together!  How fucking weird is that!  We knew each other when we were kids!  It is a small world after all.  Now not only am I going through chemo and have someone to relate to, it is someone who I can really relate to! It is so funny how the world will lead you to places that you never expected and to meet people that you never expected to meet, or meet again.  Life is full of unexpected gifts, and this is a gift that I have a feeling I will treasure for a lifetime.  A true friendship.

xo,
Jessie

P.S. we decided that we got cancer because of Martin Duberstein.  It is all his fault. 🙂 Shoutout to all the Castlemont alumni.  Reunion will take place at the Taiwanese retirement center on Reseda and Burbank- where the original campus was.

Holy shit it’s really hot today, but I am sure you are well aware of that.  Seriously, can someone turn down this heat a little because I am SCHVITZING.  I never thought I would want this, but I am begging for a Cold Cap! I wish I could just call up Gavin and be like “Hey, I am hot. Can you come over and freeze my head?” Being -32 sounds pretty awesome right about now.  You know you want one too.

We had a pretty good weekend, and I am feeling much better from my chemo haze.  Now I am just suffering from head cold phlegm haze.  Father’s Day was fantastic on so many levels, and then some shitty ones.  My Father in Law visited us for the weekend which is always so fun, and extra special for Zack to celebrate the day with his dad.  I love watching those two together, its like frick and frack.

My parents, sister and grandma also came over yesterday and Zack manned the grill as he does so well.  Being 1000 degrees what a stupid day for me to choose to wash my hair, dummy.

Here’s where my shitty part came in.  After lunch everyone hopped into the pool.  Except me.  And Grandma, that would be weird.  Oh and my mom.  So not that weird.  But I got all sad that I couldn’t go in the water and get wet and play.  It was Dylan’s first time in our pool, so of course I was mad I missed that milestone.  I could have gone in and not gotten wet, but I was too sad and didn’t feel like struggling.  I can’t even really put my hair up in a pony tail, so it wasn’t worth it.  Sometimes I think it would have been easier to lose my hair, then I realize it wouldn’t have been better.  So I took a nap and had a pity party.  I woke up feeling better but still sad, probably just the lingering obviousness of the CANCER.

I saw my shrink this morning and I asked her a question.  I asked her if I am doing this cancer thing “right.” By right, I mean not breaking down or processing it daily.  Will I ever hit bottom? Will I ever really crack?  I mean I am OK with my diagnosis and know that I will be fine, so is it OK that I don’t cry?  Her response, yes. Simple isn’t it? Yes I am doing it right because I am worried I am not.  Confusing I know, but that’s life.

Stay cool, and don’t be all like uncool.

xo,
Jessie

p.s. First comment who knows what that last line is from gets a cupcake from me.

I am starting to think that I look “cancer-y,” and by that I mean like a cancer patient.  My hair is gnarly, and my skin is pimply and my weight is dropping.  I had a flash yesterday as being known as “Cancer Girl” around town, like when I run into people and they whisper about the cancer like I don’t know.  No that hasn’t happened to me- that I’m aware of yet.

It’s not like the whole world or San Fernando Valley and Long Island doesn’t know that I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, so it’s not a secret.  I do have a blog for fucks sake.  So if you see me around, I know I look like a wackadoo cause my hair is a disaster and whatnot, but act normal. Ask me what my kids did this morning to annoy me.  I will have many answers for you.

Back to the idea of Cancer Girl.  I’d like to be Cancer Girl, but instead of a cancer patient she’s a superhero who saves the lives of those in need.  I even have her all drawn up in my head, but I can’t draw for shit so she will be a figment of my imagination instead.

Blah Blah.  I feel better today also on the chemo side, but now of course I have a cold that is kicking my ass.  Apologies in advance if you have a birthday party for your kids and we aren’t there this summer.  Doctor says no parties for moi. I am crying over this, really I am.  I like cake.

This post is a total jumble of shit, so if you stopped reading I get it. I would much rather be watching OITNB than writing too.  Peace out yo.

xo,

Jessie