Well, I almost feel 75% better today.  I would say that I do feel 75% better but I am just not there yet.  My nausea is coming and going still, but I think that’s just because I need another Zofran stat.  I probably waited too long to take it again but oh well.

My in-laws came today, Dad Dad and KK all the way from New York to visit.  This was the week we were supposed to be visiting out East, so it’s so nice to have them here.  They just scooped up Asher and whisked him away to his favorite place: the arcade.  I just got a video, kid has no skills but is he adorable trying to bowl.  He should stick to pinball!  They will be broke by the end of the day.  I spent $50 last week.

I was so glad that yesterday finally ended.  I know that pictures are just pictures and aren’t always what they seem, but I was so glad to see the holiday end.  I did end up being able to enjoy myself a bit and indulge in the BBQ, but still had some raw emotions raging through me.  There was a lot of “why me” going on yesterday and a slight pity party.

When I was washing up for bed, I could hear the fireworks and got all sad again.  I don’t know what it is about the 4th of July, but I get all emotional.  Maybe I am really happy to be an American?!  Well I opened my window to the bathroom and watched a pretty awesome fireworks show for 10 minutes.  To end the day that way, I guess you could say it went out with a bang.

To feeling even better tomorrow.

xo,
Jessie

 

Happy 4th of July! Ha!  Yea so happy over here.  I hate today and am depressed.  I figure not many people will read this today because you are out having fun, so I can say that.  I wish I were out having fun instead of having to hide from my kids while I get hydrated.  Sidenote- Beanna can stay, she sets up and leaves for about an hour.

It has been a rough weekend of symptoms, but mostly I just cured them with Zofran and pot.  Not a bad combo.  This cycle is definitely BETTER than last, but different also.  I just wish it were over and I can’t honestly see myself going through another 3 rounds of this shit.  But I have to and I will, right?

I see all of you having a blast with your friends and families this weekend, and I won’t lie, it breaks my heart.  I wish I were splashing in a pool, in New York, eating hotdogs, having fun.  Instead I am in bed wishing for my nausea to go away and my life to go back to normal.  Sorry for being Debbie Downer, but it’s true.

I wish that it was cold and rainy and it was December.  December is when I will most likely be done with my big surgeries and who doesn’t like Christmastime? Instead of being Christmas, I will just watch Elf on TV, because it keeps playing.  It’s the 4th of July, yet Christmas movies are on.  Go figure.

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is to sing loud for all to hear!”

-Buddy the Elf

xo,

Jessie

Yea I won’t lie, I am in a bad mood today.  I have fucking cancer I am entitled to it.  To top it off, Constantine didn’t show up, because he had a problem with another patient.  So I have Beanna today.  I like her, she set me up and went to run and errand.  No awkward small talk.

My parents took the kids for a few hours today so I can do my hydration without freaking them out, and Zack could use a few hours of solitude I am sure.  I LOVE my children but shit they are tiring after chemo!

I looked at my calendar today, and I have 60 days left of the first part of my treatment.  In 60 days, if all goes according to plan, I will have my last chemotherapy.  60 days.  That is just two months.  That’s fucking nuts.  Three more infusions to go, three more recoveries and then a month of recuperation then right into surgery.

The good news is that I haven’t had to take any of my meds yet for nausea or pain.  This time three weeks ago I was a walking disaster, actually a laying down disaster unable to keep my head up.  To say this is an improvement is an understatement.

Well here is to feeling ok for the rest of the day and or weekend.  I hope I will be somewhat coherent for the 4th.  I love the 4th of July! oh well, there is always next year.

Thanks for listening to me bitch as always.

xo,

Jessie

Well, we made it through my 3rd infusion as well as my 3rd hydration. Mazel tov! Break out the Manischewitz!  So far so good, no ill effects hitting just yet which is good.  I am just very tired as usual.  It blows that Monday will be a full-blown shit storm just in time for the 4th.

We were supposed to leave for New York tomorrow, that makes me so sad.  We usually go for the 4th and have a whole family bbq out east and see the cousins.  We couldn’t go last year either, but that’s because I was cooking Dylan and was way too pregnant to move let alone fly.  Next year we will go for sure, along with Israel and Italy.

In other news, Zack found my hat.  I bought a cancer hat for the days that my hair is just too gross to do anything with, you know because there is just so much for me to do with it now. He swore that he didn’t throw it out, I even found my way digging through TWO garbage cans and every room of this house.  I eventually gave up and found an identical black version at Target this week.  Well guess what, he found it today!   Where it was I just didn’t believe.  It was in the GARAGE REFRIGERATOR.  Do you have any idea how many times he’s been in there since? Oye fucking vey.  As long as I have it back that’s what matters! I am still giggling about it, better than being so pissed!

So I am doing home hydration this weekend, starting tomorrow through Monday. I am a little nervous because I don’t know if Constantine is going to show  up, does he work on the weekend!?!?!  Does he work on Holidays???  Who will I watch Grace and Frankie with?  This is the shit that will keep me up at night and no amount of Atavan will help me through.  I will totally let you know what happens.

I think I will take a siesta and get my siesta party started for the weekend. Let’s hope for an easy recovery this time and that Constantine comes here to visit.

xo,
Jessie

 

Well well well, lookie who if finished their 3rd chemo today?   This bitch did! I’m still sitting here with my cold caps on while waiting for the last four hours of cap to freeze my follicles.

It’s been overall a good day here and gone by rather fast. I’ve dozed on and off and had a SLEW of visitors today which made me smile! My crazy Frank’s came and surprised me with a major hat party! They were all jealous of my cute frozen head, so they wanted in! Love those girls.

And btw, Rod fucked up! When we got here I was told they weren’t cold enough! Fucking Rod.  Don’t worry, Gavin ordered extra ice and saved the day. My head is a frozen block of ice but my hair will look good in two months.  I think it’s actually getting thicker.  We also froze my eyebrows during my taxotere therapy today, we will see if we can save me from that awful 90’s look.

I’m halfway done people, HALFWAY! I can’t believe it but I will get through it. Crazy that in two months I’ll be done with this part of my life. Surreal to say the least.

Before we go, I have a bag of Doritos with my name on them….

xo,

Jessie

Tomorrow is the day, infusion #3. I am nervous, and I don’t really know why.  I know exactly what to expect and when it will all happen.  I am more dreading the next 5 days of feeling like absolute shit.  On the positive side, Constantine will be visiting me next week.  Hands off ladies!

I am spending my last “free” day for a week or so just enjoying myself and taking Asher to the arcave (arcade) and bowling today.  I also got a manicure, a nice dark color because I felt slightly depressed.  For dinner we are going to Benihana, or as Asher calls it “cook on table.”  We should all smell lovely tonight.

I don’t want to go tomorrow! Don’t make me!  The tumors are shrinking, the doctor said so!  But I have to go, so I will put on my armor and go.  I would wear my awesome new WARRIOR sweatshirt tomorrow, but I don’t want to cut a hole in the arm where my port is.  It’s too cute to destroy!  I am also throwing away anything that I ever wore to chemo to rid the memories, so theres that.

Today I had to start my steroids again, I have to take them twice a day before and after infusion.  In case you wanted to see how many prescriptions I have right now, I took a picture.  I think I forgot a few and didn’t show you my major weed stash.  Kidding, I don’t have a stash.  Take a look.  It really isn’t that many when you think about it and I don’t have to take them all every day.

 

So I will enjoy my last day of freedom for a while, hoping and praying tomorrow goes smoothly and easy.  I really do hope fucking Rod put my caps in the freezer, I didn’t call him.  He better not fuck up, because my hair is doing so well and I swear it is thicker than ever.  The eyebrows, well perhaps I should have kept them on the bushier trend this year.  Poor things are thinning and I look like a chick stuck in the 90’s.  Hello eyebrow pencils, ugh.

Ok, he is calling me to go bowling.  When a minion summons you, you don’t ignore.  Until tomorrow, when I am in the tundra of Tower.

xo,

Jessie

I saw my therapist yesterday, who reminded me that I am “sick.”  I know, that’s quite a depressing way to start this blog off.  But I am, and I keep forgetting that when I feel back to 90% like I do this week.  It is a weird thing when your mind is working fine (well that’s to be debated with me) but knowing that you are in fact sick.  Sick, I don’t really like that term.  I have a disease, no that just sounds like I have something that can’t be cured.  I think it is best to say that I have cancer and its fucked up.  There’s an f-bomb for you mom.

I bring this all up, because this morning I went and saw my breast surgeon.  No, not the one who will make them all pretty but the one who will make sure the cancer is gone.  She’s fabulous and I trust her with my life.  No, seriously my life will be in her hands.  She has to make sure she gets all my cancer out!

I needed to meet with her again between my 2nd and 3rd chemo, which is on Thursday to see my progress.  Well needless to say, I am doing fantastic according to her.  From the feel of my breast exam, she can tell that my tumors (ew) have shrunk significantly! She also examined me with the ultrasound and could literally SEE the tumors have gotten smaller.  That means that after just two rounds of chemo, my body is really responding well and I should be in a great position after my 6th infusion.  That also means that I shouldn’t need any radiation after surgery.  Even better news.

We started to discuss my surgeries, and I will definitely have my first one by the beginning of October assuming all goes well with the rest of my treatments.  So we are planning on that as a start date, with the second planned before the end of the year.  Gotta get that in before the new deductibles start in January- and I am so serious.

It was a great start to a VERY early morning.  Aside from an 8:45 appointment in West Hollywood, Dylan woke me up at 5:45. Kid learn to sleep a little later would ya?  To say I am fucking exhausted and it is only 11am is an understatement.

I think I will find a little nook and nap while I can…

xo,
Jessie

Today I am starting my day at the dermatologist office. When you have cancer, you need to be extra vigilant about your skin and all that fun stuff.  I’ve always been good about yearly exams,  but today I’m a little worried.

A few days ago I had what appeared to be a scratch, but it won’t go away.  I’m thinking its skin cancer obviously. Let’s hope not!  When I had to do my patient history, it was a little crazy. For the first time I had to check the Breast Cancer box and specify the many, many medicines that I take daily.  I threw in chemo for fun, I like to keep people on their toes.

So I’m waiting, and waiting.  Those who know Dr. Hartman know you always WAIT.  My mom told me to pull the cancer card, but I’m not that annoyed. Yet.  Finally I get into the room…and wait more.  A nurse came in to take my history which was already on the paper, why not check before coming in?  I had to tell her about the cancer.  She did the usual head cock to the side and said “Oh I am so sorry, that is sad.” I was like no pity here, I will be fine.  I HATE PITY.

When he finally comes in he does his check of my moles.  All clear and documented with a picture  What I thought was a cancer was just blood vessels at the surface. I guess being on the blood thinner is making it take extra long for it to heal.

So I am ok, yay! Still have cancer of the boobs though.  I have been running like a nut today, which is so fabulous in this 100+ heat.  Off to take Asher to swim lessons…. Super Cancer Mom, it never stops.  Now where is my cape?

xo,
Jessie

 

 

Well, the weekend is over and tomorrow is another week.  Another week of chemo.  This thursday I will go in for my 3rd chemotherapy.  My third! After thursday I will be halfway done, how fucking crazy is that?  How crazy is it still that I have Breast Cancer?  Yea, apparently it still hasn’t hit me yet either.  Perhaps it will one day…

We had a great weekend, especially the fact that the kids went to my parents for the night yesterday.  I love them and all, but a night away every few weeks is just what we need.  We totally just napped and watched tv, ok I did while Zack was outside but it was still so relaxing.  We had dinner with a few new friends, again some nuts like us which is so refreshing.  They liked our cancer jokes, that makes them friends for life!  Too bad we didn’t go to Maradentro…

Yesterday Zack stumbled upon an old blog of another Breast Cancer (now) survivor.  Funny enough, her blog was titled “Pass me a cupcake.” I guess cancer and cupcakes have a good ring to it, or we are just all fat fucks at heart with a sweet tooth.  Either way, it was so refreshing to read her blog, I felt so connected to her even though she’s 3+ years out, but she wrote like me and her attitude was like me.  She said nothing is going to get her down, laughter is the best medicine and this is annoying.  IT IS ANNOYING!

I’ve decided that having cancer is so annoying.  I’m not mad at it, I am annoyed at it.  Why choose me?  Why bother me?  I wasn’t doing anything bad to piss off my genes at this time of my life, and this is just fucking up my life plans for my 35th year.  Ugh, annoying.  So yes, it was so good to read another person is annoyed by cancer.  At least I will have good boobs…

Knowing what is coming up this week is giving me an edge, and honestly I am a little bitchy.  It is not right, but I am a little stressed.  I need to make sure that I am really prepared this weekend, with all my supplies.  It’s like going to battle, with my body.

So with that I will sign off, I have a hectic few days coming up but that’s cool with me.  I am going to watch some trashtastic tv tonight and eat some ice cream.  No excuses necessary.

xo,

Jessie

Well I feel fanfuckingtastic.  My second chemo infusion was two weeks ago, and I finally feel back to normal.  Hallelujah!  Guess what, it’s fleeting because I go back in Thursday, waaaah waaaah.  Oh well I better live it up while I can before my next Chemo Coma- that’s what I call it.

The last few days have been great, hence why I haven’t written anything.  I don’t like to bore you with daily nonsense, if I don’t feel it, I am not writing it.  I have been keeping VERY busy this week, probably too much.  I have tried to squeeze in a lot of stuff before I am out for a few weeks again.  I even got to meet Mr. T at the Mercedes dealership!  I made him say “I Pity the Fool.”

Today I had breakfast with an old friend, and I am so glad that we reconnected so many years later! When we were in school together, I always thought she was the coolest senior on campus.  I was a wee little seventh grader and she was always the kindest and sweetest person.  I can honestly say that she still is!  I am thankful that this stupid cancer brought her back into my life, if only it brought that awesome Celica back too…..

This weekend the kids are going to my parents house so Zack and I can enjoy a kid free night before D-Day.  I love them beyond words, but to have them go to my parents every few weeks for a night is better than a spa day.  Well not really but almost.  They are EXHAUSTING, cancer or not.

I do find myself snuggling up to them even more now at random times, because I know what is to come.  I also find myself holding Dylan a little longer after he falls asleep at night because it is just the most delicious thing to hold a sleeping baby in your arms.  I love that boy so much and he is growing up so damn fast! I also know that in a few months I won’t be able to hold him for a really long time, so I am getting my extra snuggles in now and filing them in my brain.

Well that is all for now, we have a nice weekend planned and I plan on enjoying it all from beginning to the end.  I hope that you have a great one too!

xo,

Jessie